Birthday gift friend 40 y old - only cash requested

[Maria1979]

I need some help/guidelines. A good friend of mine is having a birthday party (40) and she has requested cash only... well I have no idea how much to give. No children allowed, Her husband has booked a big house (10 bedrooms) with swimming pool and will provide beverages and food. They just asked me to bring a big salad. 10 couples will come, some from far away so they will stay for the night.
I thought we should gift her with 100£ while my husband thinks it's too much, he's suggesting 60, max 80£. I have no idea what the others are giving since I dont know them well but she is putting 2500£ on renting the house for 3 days (the children are invited the day after the party) and I think 100£ is the minimum to give. This does represent a big sum for us but then again we dont go out much and almost never without the children so we can manage it. But is 100£ enough or do you think we ought to give her more? I will be the one deciding since it's my friend...

I think it's bloody rude to ask for cash . It's more like a business transaction and it's so awkward for people as you've found out .

Also people often like to choose and present a gift not just go to the cashpoint .

Terrible .

So the birthday did happen. We gave 60 in an envelope with a beautiful card. I also brought a dish and helped out with the table, dishes etc. We left before she opened her "presents" so I wasn't there to see it but clearly she was not satisfied because no thank you when I called to say thank you for the party the day after😄.. She talked about it being expensive hiring a mansion for several days and next time we should all go together and hire one to party.. hinting we had not participated enough I think. But I honestly couldnt care less. I will definately not hire a mansion with her and her friends. Just the thought of it makes me exhausted and I rather spend the little money we have on family outings than booze parties although she did say we should all go with children. Which I suppose makes it even worse since alcohol, big pool and drunk parents don't go together in my book. A sincere thank you to all MN mums who replied to my posting. We stay friends but something has changed since her birthday. I think we are both disappointed with one another but for different reasons.

What a shame.

( and I guess you now regret giving so much as i would have been a £40 for a 49th person )

and no I wouldn't be renting a property for future birthdays besides she isn't going to be 41 again !

She sounds horribly ungrateful. Would never expect my friends to pay for me to host my own party!

Goodness. I would usually spend about £35.00 on a gift. So would give £35.

I am also turning 40 this year and spending on a big party. I have also asked for money as I want to buy myself a ring after my birthday , as something that is timeless and I can pass down to my daughter, and actually avoid getting lots of gifts and people in my eyes spending more money. We did money for our wedding for the same reason and it was pooled together to buy our kitchen table.

I have done money for my birthday , which is being co-ordinated by a friend, so I don’t see what people are gifting individually as I don’t want them to feel any pressure of how much they gift. The party and event isn’t about the gifts, so if someone wants to gift £10 to the pot they can. I know people won’t come without a gift so pooling money, means they don’t need to try and think about something to get me, and risk an unwanted gift as I am not materialistic , live a minimal life and not anything I want, I get asked every Christmas what do I want and even my husband struggles.

so for me I would not get worrried about what they are spending on the party, that is the choice of the birthday person , and I for one do not expect the ask of money for a present to be reflective of the party cost. I have invited people to come and join me to make my birthday special and get all my friends and family together.

I agree £100 for a friend is a lot. I wouldn’t expect that. My family on average gave £40/£50 . So for friends I would expect less, and happy with £10. The gift is not the focus it’s the party to bring people together, people shouldn’t feel a pressure. And my party isn’t a cheap occasion , we are spending around £5k with catering, band, marquee and alcohol.

If the cash request didn't come from her and she didn't ask for a gift, but you want to get her something then buy her something you know she'd like.

Personally I prefer the cash option. It's easier, less hassle and it'll go towards something they want, instead of something that's re gifted or thrown out.

Maybe a really nice bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine or something she loves.

Maybe they'd already saved the money for the rental and now they are planning a holiday or he meant for holiday spends. Men aren't really that logical in their thinking are they and might not see how it comes across.

She wants to spend her birthday time with her friends and celebrate with you all, this has come from the husband and she's no idea about it but it's making her look bad. I'd be mortified if I was her.

Do what you want, gift or cash or even a gift card for somewhere she likes to shop... the other thing to think about is, what would she do for you in this situation. Would she bang 10quid in a card, would she show up and make a huge fuss of you. I think thay also changes what I'd do. X