Birthday gift friend 40 y old - only cash requested

[Maria1979]

I need some help/guidelines. A good friend of mine is having a birthday party (40) and she has requested cash only... well I have no idea how much to give. No children allowed, Her husband has booked a big house (10 bedrooms) with swimming pool and will provide beverages and food. They just asked me to bring a big salad. 10 couples will come, some from far away so they will stay for the night.
I thought we should gift her with 100£ while my husband thinks it's too much, he's suggesting 60, max 80£. I have no idea what the others are giving since I dont know them well but she is putting 2500£ on renting the house for 3 days (the children are invited the day after the party) and I think 100£ is the minimum to give. This does represent a big sum for us but then again we dont go out much and almost never without the children so we can manage it. But is 100£ enough or do you think we ought to give her more? I will be the one deciding since it's my friend...

I wonder if your friend knows her dh has arranged this or asked guests to contribute towards the airbnb? Imagine turning up your own party, thinking your db has done a wonderful thing, only to find out her gifts from friends go to her dh to pay for the party. I'd be fairly upset tbh,

Do the owners of this holiday let know about the party (parties-it sounds like they are having one for the son as well?)

Really tacky to ask friends for cash as an adult. ESO when going OTT with a fancy rental.

I like the 40 for a 40th suggestion, and maybe some flowers?

Do you think she knows that her husband has told everyone to just do cash? Is that his way of clawing back some of the cost? She may be gutted thinking she will get thoughtful gifts or clubbed together larger gift ? She will have nothing to open .

I went to a similar type of 40th a few months ago at a venue which included 2 nights accommodation that they offered to some of the family or guests like me who came from further away and obviously food and drink was provided for all guests . People just brought gifts or a bottle of wine or a card even, as my friend would never dream of asking for money!

My gift cost about £30-40. If it was cash I’d bring about £50 in your situation. If she’s inviting 20 guests for example, if they all bring £50 that’s £1000 towards her holiday - not bad at all. So fifty is plenty.

She didn’t ask for a contribution towards the hire of the venue /accommodation, so ignore that completely and don’t factor it in to the amount you decide on, especially as you’re not staying overnight.

£50 is a decent amount. Your DH said £60 I would go with that. I usually take my own alcohol too as I only like certain wines and spirits.

OK I’ve just realised it’s ten couples. As opposed to 20 individual guests. My friendship group is a mix of couples and singles and even the ones in couples often attend events themselves so I wasn’t thinking if it like that.

So my calculations are a bit off, as a joint gift would be given by each couple so it’s more like 10 x 50 but still £500 towards her holiday is great and some people who have more will no doubt gift her closer to £100 so she may end up with a bit more.

But £50 or £60 is acceptable IMO. Maybe just go for £60 if that’s the most your husband was happy with.

She said to bring the salad, does that mean that they've asked everyone to bring different food? If so, they aren't providing food and drink either, just the venue, that would sway my decision too

Asking for money in any ‘celebratory’ circumstances (ie. not for helping a sick child etc access life saving treatment in America) is incredibly crass.

Asking for one’s 40th birthday is horrific. I’d be sending a bottle of champagne and staying home.

They provide food and drinks but I asked if there wasnt something I could bring and they said a salad..Im not a party person (had too much of it in my twenties) so I would really like to stay home and send a gift but I know this would make my friend sad because she is so much looking forward to having all her friends around. And she wouldnt mind if someone doesnt give her anything, obviously Im overthinking this 🤯 but I want to "get it right". Maybe 50 plus a gift as someone suggested?

Friend of mine sent out engagement party invites (this was years ago) and put on the bottom ‘Thomas Cook vouchers only please’. Can’t tell you how much that annoyed me. I bought them a bottle of champagne.

They didn’t have two brass farthings to rub together and certainly couldn’t afford the party. a few month later there were pictures of them sunning themselves on a foreign beach…….

OP do your own thing. If she’s a real friend she won’t care what you do or don’t bring.

See I don't get this. You're happy to spend what £25-30 on a bottle of champagne, so why not just buy a TC voucher instead if that's what they want ?
To be fair it is kind of tacky expecting engagement presents full stop.

What a shitty predicament to give your friends , if they want to rent a mansion and invite friends and family that's great but don't then put pressure on everyone to pay cash in lieu of gifts to pay for the thing .

If she asked for money only I’d stick to that and keep it to £60 or £80 if you were already thinking of gift + £50. It can feel a tricky situation but I’d say if you do want to attend just stick to what they said and don’t bring a non-cash gift. £80 is also about in the middle of what you and your husband wanted isn’t it ?

I gave £75 as a wedding gift to my friend, I think they had gifts as well as cash amounts you could give to on their registry, but since I was unable to afford to attend their (destination) wedding I went for the highest denomination on the gift list thing which was £75 (and quite a lot for me back then as someone in my 20s living alone in London!)

If your normal limit is about £30, and you are prepared to give cash instead of a gift, I would go for your normal budget

Normally I would spend around 30 on a friend's birthday: flowers, fancy chocolate or a book depending on what the person likes

That’s what I would contribute then, whatever you would usually spend. It’s not within your remit to finance a venue they have chosen to hire for her and her son’s party.

Buy this person a monopoly board with a book suggestion title of hiw to keep things simple and real in a world that just isn't

£100

In my experience, it's got to be either 40 (40 for a 40th), 50 or 100.

If you don't use a rounded number like 50, 100 or 150, you can tell you've thought about it too much, and it looks petty.

Also FWIW I think asking for cash gifts is rude. Also at weddings unless the couple obviously needs the money to buy basic furniture and plates, glasses etc.

If you and DH are not staying overnight I'd go with £80 as your DH will agree with that too. Why make an argument with DH over this?

Who asks for presents for their 40th? Let alone cash?! Gross.

as this thread is almost 2 months old I hope the birthday has happened @Maria1979

She sounds daft.

I would contribute to the costs of hiring the house if it had been a collective decision. Otherwise I’d be assuming she was hosting, which seems to be the case.

I would give a cash gift if she asked, but I’d judge her for it! £100 for a very close friend, £40-50 for a less close friend. That reflects what I’d spend on a gift and I can afford that. If you can afford less, give less.

I wish my mother could read this thread!

She demands money for every occasion, birthday, Xmas and Mother's Day. Tells us "Only money is acceptable" and throws tantrums if she doesn't get it.

Not the thread to go into it all, but I used to be terrified of her and give in. Not any more!

Op, I would give your friend £40, but also, as others have advised, get her something small that's more personal, although at times I've only been able to give friends cards.