Birthday gift friend 40 y old - only cash requested

[Maria1979]

I need some help/guidelines. A good friend of mine is having a birthday party (40) and she has requested cash only... well I have no idea how much to give. No children allowed, Her husband has booked a big house (10 bedrooms) with swimming pool and will provide beverages and food. They just asked me to bring a big salad. 10 couples will come, some from far away so they will stay for the night.
I thought we should gift her with 100£ while my husband thinks it's too much, he's suggesting 60, max 80£. I have no idea what the others are giving since I dont know them well but she is putting 2500£ on renting the house for 3 days (the children are invited the day after the party) and I think 100£ is the minimum to give. This does represent a big sum for us but then again we dont go out much and almost never without the children so we can manage it. But is 100£ enough or do you think we ought to give her more? I will be the one deciding since it's my friend...

but...that is her choice / decision to spend that money on a rental.

if £30 would be your usual average on a gift - then £100 would be excessive - even if you can ' manage ' it.

I gave £40 for my friend's 40th but if it had been my DH attending too I would have made it £60-80.

I think a book on manners would be a more helpful gift.

If the money isn't intended to go towards the rental I'd just give her however much you'd normally spend on a gift. That's my rule of thumb when people request money instead of gifts for birthdays/Christmas.

Not sure why it's being seen as cheeky or "uncouth" though, loads of people just don't want more tat or shitty Bayliss and Harding gift sets cluttering up their house so ask for money instead. Generally the expectation is that you'll just give them in cash whatever you would have spent on a gift, surely?

Otherwise, give the £30 that you would usually spend.

I think you should just give the amount you would normally spend on a birthday present and can afford. You shouldn't feel you have to contribute more just because you were invited to stay at an expensive rental with them.

At first glance I also thought asking for money was a bit off, but it depends how it was done. It is a friend's big birthday soon and we are going to a small party at theirs. Their partner messaged us saying 1) that we really shouldn't feel we need give anything at all or 2) a small donation to charity X would be most appreciated or 3) There was a large item that we might like to contribute at all. She suggest small amounts £10-20. I thought that was fine and we contributed £50 to the group present, which she said was very generous. I think £100 would definitely have been ott.

I had a charity collection for my 50th and most people gave 30-50 but a few gave 100.

£50 maximum and I think it’s incredibly crass asking for money.
We went to a wedding where the couple had booked a 6 week guided tour of Japan, completely overspent on the wedding and honeymoon and guests were asked to give cash, ‘suggested amount £150-200/ couple’.
I would not dream of expecting a present let alone money.

Well if she's such a good friend, given they said no children, then surely she'd know you wouldn't be able to stay over.

Honestly, you're going to have to stop overthinking. Give £50 and move on.

I'd give 40, £1 coins in a nice gift box with a bow on it...

I wouldn’t give more than £40, and if you would normally spend £30 then I’d give that.

It’s their choice to rent the house.

"Her husband said she does not want any gifts, just contribution to a holiday ie cash. It is quite odd that if you're saving for a holiday you splurge 2500 on a 3 day rental"

I generally avoid cash gifts, I just don't give them. I either give nothing or I offer to treat to a meal or flowers or something instead. I do contribute to costs if I'm asked and agree to participate, but that is not this.
And particularly in this scenario - they don't need the money, they are obviously financially secure because they are spending out on this house. So the birthday "gift" is reduced to a financial transaction and the generosity of gifting is lost.
If it were me, I'd choose a lovely birthday card and write a nice birthday message inside, including that I would love to take my friend for a meal/spa/etc when a date can be arranged.

I rented a similar sounding house for a significant birthday weekend, and paid for all food including a caterer one night. My generous friends just gave normal (and lovely) birthday presents, which I was very happy about. So I would forget about how much the house has cost and give her the cash equivalent of a birthday present in a lovely card with maybe a bottle of her favourite gin/champagne as well if you can afford to.

£50. And they sound tacky.

I’d give at least £100 and in my head i’d be seeing it as paying for a night out (the Friday) and a family day out on the Saturday.

£50 - 60 max as i would not spend more than £20 on a gift plus £20 each on drinks.

Crass to ask for cash.

£40.

The cost of the party is irrelevant. It's up to them what they want to spend on it and you're not buying a ticket so I really don't understand people saying you should give them more £ because they've chosen to spend more of their own £.

I actually think a 40 year old woman requesting anything at all, let alone cash, is unbelievably cheeky.

You shouldn't feel obligated to give more because they're having an expensive party. You're not even staying over. £100 is what I would give for a wedding. I think £50 is enough.

You are also taking a salad so presumably other guests are brining food and the hosts are not contributing it all.

God yes! This is one of the rudest / tone deaf things I’ve heard.
£50 MAX. And I’d begrudge every penny.

I would no more give a peer cash as a birthday gift than I would fly to the moon. It's incredibly odd to me. It's something I would give a teen. Not a fully grown adult with a job! And as for one who demanded it.......most definitely not. Nor would I go to the event tbh. They sound awful.

Absolutely this. How rude.

The expectation in normal circles is that the guest decides what is an appropriate gift. If the host doesn’t want gifts then they should stipulate that, not ask for money. So very, very crass.

I think she’s a cheeky cow TBH!

Yes she’s spending a lot on the house, but no one asked her to. And she’s clearly not short of cash so why is she asking for cash gifts ? !

Gifts should be received graciously in the spirit they are given.

Hahaha
Cheeky Fuckery by the back door. So the (presumably) important charity, close to their hearts, was put on a par with their ‘ large item’.
Dear God, how embarrassing.