Birthday gift friend 40 y old - only cash requested

[Maria1979]

I need some help/guidelines. A good friend of mine is having a birthday party (40) and she has requested cash only... well I have no idea how much to give. No children allowed, Her husband has booked a big house (10 bedrooms) with swimming pool and will provide beverages and food. They just asked me to bring a big salad. 10 couples will come, some from far away so they will stay for the night.
I thought we should gift her with 100£ while my husband thinks it's too much, he's suggesting 60, max 80£. I have no idea what the others are giving since I dont know them well but she is putting 2500£ on renting the house for 3 days (the children are invited the day after the party) and I think 100£ is the minimum to give. This does represent a big sum for us but then again we dont go out much and almost never without the children so we can manage it. But is 100£ enough or do you think we ought to give her more? I will be the one deciding since it's my friend...

Brilliant!
She is so cheeky! I'd give max £30 as usual

I think in your circumstances £50 is fine. You were invited but you’re not staying so I think £50 is a fair amount. If I was going to a friends party I wouldn’t even give that tbh, I’m not tight by any means but it would be £20/30. It’s your friend so just forget about all the other aspects (party, venue, invite to stay) and give whatever your comfortable and happy with

£84, to match the year she was born and meet roughly in the middle between you and DH.

Actually, I disagree completely. I didn't give the exact wording of the message because it was too long and too personal and I didn't want to name either the specific charity or the large item as it was just all too revealing. But she knows people would most probably bring gifts and would rather people contribute to one thing he would really like instead of all bringing a bottle of champagne. And I would prefer to contribute to the item too! And I honestly felt that the charity donation or no gift would have been fine. I had no problem with it and didn't feel it was cheeky - she was clearly slightly embarrassed writing the message but it made sense.

I would happily give £100+, but I wouldn't spend less than that on a good friend's birthday.

Bung them a fiver.

I would order something like this… makes giving £40 appropriate!

https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/1664010998/

£30, that's your usual.

What was the last present she bought you, OP?

I would go for £40 for a 40th as it’s close to the £30 you would have spent and it is a “big” birthday, I guess.

Ignore the house cost etc - that was her choice. You have been asked to bring a food item as your party contribution so that’s ticked off.

£40 in that case

If you're going to give money I'd would go for £50.
But I wouldn't give money even although husband suggested it. She's not 20 she's 40, cash is inappropriate.
I'd have a think about buying something you know she'd like or a voucher for a favourite shop, beautician etc.

Do that, OP.

Or a book on accounting, if, as you say, she's splurged 2.5k on renting an enormous house for her birthday, but now wants money to spend on a holiday.

I'd give £50 and that's more than I usually spend on a friend.

OP, I’d gift a bottle of champagne and leave it at that. Giving cash is too cringeworthy

I’m someone who loves making all birthdays special and arranging celebrations for myself and friends, and even I think this is mega cheeky. Personally I would buy her a gift as you normally would for another friend and not give her any cash. Since when did friends contribute towards a future holiday for you because it’s your birthday?!
It would be different if she had booked the house in agreement with everyone paying their way and was therefore asking for a contribution towards that. This is different and weird.

Thank you for all contributions. To clarify things, she's not well off. We have different takes on money; I won't spend it if I dont have it, she will buy on credit if she wants something bad enough. She's quite impulsive and can buy expensive and unnecessary things, more than she can afford. Also for her children. She lives beyond her means for sure but not my business. She's hardworking but her pay isnt brillant and her husband's work is similar. She did not give me anything for my birthday because I never told her about it, my choice.
I think she expects people to give much because she would give alot in a similar situation. So it's not like she's stingy or a cheapskate, in that case she wouldnt be my friend. We're extremely different; different backgrounds, educational levels, manners etc but I think she's a good person. She's the one who will stop to give a fiver to a homeless person on impulse for ex.
Im definately overthinking this and if it wasnt for that party in the rental I would just have given her some bottles of good wine she loves..

They chose to do the house.

If I ever get cash I'm happy with 10 or 20 it all adds up.

I'd maye do 50 though for this occasion.
FWIW my 40th max I had was 50 off my dm.
Easily pleased I guess and happy with whatever people have given

I’d give £50, but I’d make it a new, crisp £50 note (rather than 2x £20 & a £10).

Don't give a £50 note, no matter how crisp, they're flipping impossible to spend anywhere and she'd have to trek to an actually not yet closed down branch to pay it in.

So it’s air bnb.
parties definitely banned.

https://www.airbnb.com.au/help/article/3345

@Maria1979 just give her the good wine, then. Feel free to say “oh, money seemed too impersonal” (or whatever) when you hand it over.

She will enjoy the wine in the future and that will be nice ❤️

You didn't agree to contribute towards the rental, it wasn't your idea to rent it, you're not staying over and already paying x amount for a sitter. Taking into consideration your financial position i'd pop £50 in a card and take a bottle of fizz and the required salad.

Yes rude to ask for money but I do understand why.
I'd get champagne, chocolates and a voucher somewhere she likes.

Honestly if I get one more scented candle as a gift.

I’d take the big salad (unless your name is Doris) and that’s it. It’s crass and grabby for obviously well off people to ask friends (including people who are less well off, such as yourself) to give them cash towards a holiday. They’re not a young couple getting married. It’s a 40th birthday party. They can pay for their own holiday. Bloody cheek of them.

I'd be very tempted to buy her a book on social etiquette!
If you usually spend £30, then just put £30 in a card
Do not feel extra pressure because of the hosts extravagant choice of venue
Also, you don't have to justify anything