URGENT arrested but we can’t get any information - what can we do?

[Moonbag]

DP was called last night by his son to say he’s been arrested, he wasn’t able to say why. He’s called several times today for updates but they can’t/ won’t tell him anything. What on Earth is he supposed to do? Son has previous so he is worried he will be kept in but without knowing what he’s charged with we’ve no real idea. Please can anyone advise?

@EdgeOfTheAbysssss that is exactly my predicament. I’ve spent the last few years trying to build a life that’s calm and peaceful and to use the modern expression, ‘wholesome’ but it just doesn’t seem like that’s what the universe wants for me. I could definitely choose to walk away, everything in me wanted to yesterday when I found out the details, but DP is actually the strongest, calmest person I’ve ever had in my life and I don’t know if losing him just to distance myself from his sons issues would be worse than dealing with it. He’s also had a lot of past drama and I know he doesn’t want this, if I stay with him I can be the calm and strength for him too.

That sounds great written down of course but in reality I was neither calm or strong last night, just sad and furious which wasn’t helpful but I think is understandable. I’ve got a lot of other things going on and staying together is definitely not going to be an easy option.

I don’t want this brought to my door, and preferably not to his either

That's only natural, @Moonbag, but if you continue in the relationship I'm not sure how realistic that's going to be, unless you'd be happy never to live together and for "my door" to become a joint one

Since there seems little point in expecting the son to think of anyone else, that potential joint door could end up with DP being forced to choose who to prioritise, and you said that's something you want to avoid

And while being the "calm and strength" is a generous aim, if this continues to spiral it could lead to a lot of resentment - all of which is why nobody would blame you if you decided this is simply too much to take on

Actually we have no plans to live together, I value my independence and our financial situations are quite different but I wonder if subconsciously it’s because I want to keep my distance from this.

I would watch and learn. See how DP handles it, how much he leans on you, how you feel about it all and whether it feels too much. Just beware of normalising the abnormal the longer you're around it. See your solid friends, talk to people not surrounded by drama, keep your head clear and straight with their reactions to all this. Then decide. You're not powerless, people have free will - maybe the universe gives you this so you can learn when to walk away? Love within your values of peace and wholesomeness, DP can either fit with that or not, if he doesn't then he's not a good match for your life. Lots of people with MH issues don't choose the life his son has chosen. MH may be part of the reason but it's not an excuse. Perhaps, even, his MH is worse because of the life he leads? Don't get sucked in. Relationships are supposed to be fairly easy, compromises should not feel like a hardship and leave you resentful, maintaining your boundaries should not feel like being at war. You should feel uplifted by being in a relationship, not ground down by it. Your life the cake and a partner the cherry on top. If it feels wrong that's because it is wrong, so watch, learn, pay attention to yourself and then decide.

Frankly you sound incredibly sensible, OP; it just seems a shame to have future possibilities restricted because of these "what ifs?"

Of course all relatively new relationships contain them, but not usually over something quite as serious as this. Each to their own of course, but in the same position I'd worry about getting even more involved in light of what you may be taking on

I agree with OPs though that there's no need for instant decisions, especially with this latest drama being so recent. You'll get to see how the land lies as this unfolds and will be able to make the best choice for you

Love within your values of peace and wholesomeness, DP can either fit with that or not, if he doesn't then he's not a good match for your life.

DP wants the same as me, he hates all the drama but it’s his son 🤷🏻‍♀️ Our relationship is amazing apart from this and I know he’ll keep it separate if I ask but that’s hard on him, he already feels dreadful and worries how it will affect us.

Perhaps, even, his MH is worse because of the life he leads?

Without a doubt, he needs help for his problems, a job, some stability and support from more than one decent adult to help him make better choices. I hoped this would make him see it’s make or break but from what DP has said I’m not sure it will.

It's his son. He's always going to be a Dad. The son's dramas will always be a part of DPs life

I'm a bit baffled, if you are in a relationship together and love each other, I don't see why you would fuck off at a bit of trouble instead of stay and support the person you love!? I'd never abandon DP to deal with something serious on his own!

That’s a very good point @OrlandointheWilderness, my instinct is to stand by him because he’s a good person, none of this is his fault and I love him. But part of me says run because this will always be part of his life and I don’t know how it will affect mine and my daughter’s. I dont think that’s selfish - someone unthread said I was sensible and I’m trying to be rather than being ruled by my heart.

Also it’s far from ‘a bit of trouble’ 🙁

@Moonbag the issue that caused the MH breakdown - of my DH - that should have resulted in sectioning was him being related to someone who committed a very serious crime and the family fallout from that. I can’t say too much as it would be outing, it made the press at the time. I had already been through a lot at the time but we were married with children and none of it was DH’s fault, so we stuck it out, even though it was hellish. He’s my soulmate and life partner and I would never have let him go through it alone. Would I go through it again with a new partner? Not for anything.

Edited for typos.

I’m sorry you had to deal with that, how is your DH now?

I think the difference for us is that DP does feel like my soulmate, much more so than exDH who is my daughter’s father. I guess the fact we don’t have kids together makes it easier to keep a little bit of distance from the situation but I’m not under any illusion that it will be easy.

@Moonbag your friend is dealing with a 25 year old who happens to be his son. Not a child nor a teen. Sometimes our children grow into bad adults. Your friend needn't keep pulling the fat out of the fire, in fact rescuing him again and again may have made things worse.

I guess the fact we don’t have kids together makes it easier to keep a little bit of distance from the situation but I’m not under any illusion that it will be easy.

If, as you say, this isn't a 'little bit of bother', I'm guessing that where he is and what he's doing may not be a problem for a while, maybe even a few years. And that might be an opportunity for DP (and you) to take a step back and look at the situation more calmly and agree on a way forward.

PS That might also be the chance for him to get the help he needs, if that need is identified at the time.

There's a difference between a blip and a constant string of never ending drama. The latter gets tedious and is incredibly draining. Everything from feeling you can't burden your DP with your own worries because they've enough of their own, so you bottle them up because you have to be the strong one. To wanting a normal life and not being able to live it because you have to accommodate constant drama. It leads to disappointment, resentment, stress and eventually heartbreak, as you grieve the life you wish you had but don't. Maybe he's worth it, nobody is perfect. Or maybe OP will find the situation gets old pretty quickly and move on 🤷

@justasking111 where did you get 25 from? I’ve never mentioned his age.

@Gymnopedie im really hoping that might be the case

You said mid twenties in one post.

If your DP is your soulmate as you put it then you stand by him and help him through this as best you can. My DH is my soul mate and I would never dream of abandoning him for something that wasn't even his fault. I do get the sense that you're more focused on yourself than on supporting your DP with this and that seems strange to me.

@justasking111 oh ok sorry, I’m paranoid that I’m giving away too much, I’m really grateful for the advice but aware anyone could read this 🤦🏻

@Finedefinefine not more focussed on myself but trying to balance both. I’ve dealt with a lot - more than I want to go into here - and it’s taken me a long time to get where I am so naturally I’m cautious about the impact on my own life while wanting to support my DP.