URGENT arrested but we can’t get any information - what can we do?

[Moonbag]

DP was called last night by his son to say he’s been arrested, he wasn’t able to say why. He’s called several times today for updates but they can’t/ won’t tell him anything. What on Earth is he supposed to do? Son has previous so he is worried he will be kept in but without knowing what he’s charged with we’ve no real idea. Please can anyone advise?

It’s not good news, obviously can’t say any more but I’m torn between wanting to support my partner and not wanting anything to do with the whole situation.

I hope you're ok. It sounds really stressful and horrible. Have been in a similar situation. The son needs to deal with the consequences of his actions and you need to protect and prioritise yourselves.

He will have been told what he has been arrested for when the arrest took place. Then he will have been taken to a custody suite and processed where they will again state why he has been arrested. They will check him into a cell and he will be allowed to have a solicitor present when they interview him. Following the initial interview they will either charge him, release him without charge, hold him for as long as they are legally entitled to (another good reason to have a solicitor present to ensure they stick to legal process) and possibly interview him again or they will bail him pending further enquiries. Of course he knows why he has been arrested.

Sorry it’s not good news. How long have you been with DP? Having a son with mental health issues who’s also in trouble with the police isn’t easy, it sounds like he’s likely to re offend many times? No one would blame you if you wanted to walk away from the situation. You don’t live together so it’s not as hard to walk away. There’s always a chance that this was the final straw and DP won’t want anything else to do with him but I doubt that’s likely.

Sorry that you’re in such a stressful situation. Do you have children of your own living with you? If your DP’s son has been arrested on suspicion of another violent crime, your priority has to be to protect yourself and your family from him.

I have an older daughter living with me but DP and his son live (not together) in a different town.

Weve been together 2.5 years and he honestly feels like my soulmate, he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me but I do worry what the future holds and how this will test us.

Don't make any hasty decisions - tough time for all of you. Take time for you to process things and work out how you can support your DP as well as give him space etc if he needs it. Might just be that you can be a listening ear, make some nice meals, make sure he's looking after himself etc.
Good luck

Has he been busy with his fists again and beaten up his girlfriend? If so your partner is a fool for going to him.

No it’s not that and wasn’t last time, sorry if I gave that impression.

Perhaps you need to wait and see what your DP decides to do before you can decide what you want to do? It might make the decision clearer if you know what stance he's taking about it all and what support he's giving his son. Does the likelihood of this situation (crimes, arrests) being a one off or a more regular thing make a difference to you? I'm sorry if a difference of opinion about it all spells the end of your relationship with DP. 💐

I’ll see DP later, we’ve only texted as we’re both at work and it’s a conversation we need to have face to face.

I love him very much but I’ve had a lot of drama in my life and I do everything I can to avoid it yet somehow it seems to follow me 🤦🏻

Sounds very stressful for you and of course your poor partner. It must be a nightmare to be a decent person and have this sort of things happen with your children.

I wouldn't make any hasty decisions. It sounds like you have a lovely DP. You can't blame him for being there for his child.

Sorry to be blunt, but this is like a child in detention saying they never dun nuffink and they don't even know why the teacher is picking on them anyway.

He knows why he's there.

Does he live with you?

I'd be saying I won't be doing anything to help OR letting him back in the house until you get a straight answer to what he's been arrested for.

This must be so difficult for your boyfriend, OP. He will be torn. Obviously he'll still love his son.

I hope you're ok x Things will get better.

The police can't tell you anything as he is over 18 and considered an adult. Data Protection also comes into play. I'm afraid there isn't really anything you or your husband can do although I know it's a very worrying and stressful time for you. I'm sure you both (especially your DH) have a whole raft of questions for him but until you know what the charges are (if any) there's ery little advice I can offer other than supporting one another

One thing I won’t do is ask him to choose, you accept when you get with someone who has kids that they will always be part of your life - hopefully I can support DP without having anything to do with his son.

Son hasn’t had an easy time but ever since I’ve known his dad (and before) he has made bad choices and now here we are.

@MrsSunshine2b DP does know now and I understand why the son was asked not to give details. He can be a liar but not about this apparently. He doesn’t live here and won’t be coming anywhere near my house, he doesn’t even know where it is

I’d echo a previous poster and hold off on making any decisions just at the moment. There are so many factors that are going to impact on you. Is he employed? Is there a possibility of him losing his job/accommodation before any potential trial? Where will he expect to be living? Exactly how much support is your partner going to give him? Will he expect you to be a friendly face to his DS during any trial? Or will he understand you not wanting a serious offender anywhere near your home or your daughter? All of these will need to be taken into consideration at some point and there’s no point walking away just yet if he wants to keep his DS completely separate from his life with you.

Having said that, it might be worth having a think about exactly how willing you are to give emotional support to your DP. Do you have the same ideas about what constitutes loyalty and what constitutes making excuses for his crime? How far will he go? And how far are you willing to be by his side?

Of course he knows why he was arrested, he's choosing not to tell. Leave him to get on with it, obviously an adult as well as a lier and a criminal.

His son will need to take responsibility for his actions. Mental health can be a trigger hut most people understand right and wrong. I am such a forgiving person and feel everyone deserves a second chance but sounds like this was his second chance after a previous incident. Some things are unforgivable. Is it something you can forgive your own child for? That would be my question to whether or not I could support my partner in it.

@Margorett maybe read the thread before posting judgemental crap, I’ve never condoned his actions but I’ve explained why he wasn’t able to say and have received some genuinely kind helpful responses from other posters.

I think this is a really good and helpful post.

This. You don't have to make any decisions right now about anything else but your safety. He doesn't know where you live so everything else can wait.

@Verite1 i agree, @Whothefuckdoesthat makes a lot of sense and has given me plenty to think about

Sorry OP. Must be awful for his dad too. Does his son have any input from mental health services?