URGENT arrested but we can’t get any information - what can we do?

[Moonbag]

DP was called last night by his son to say he’s been arrested, he wasn’t able to say why. He’s called several times today for updates but they can’t/ won’t tell him anything. What on Earth is he supposed to do? Son has previous so he is worried he will be kept in but without knowing what he’s charged with we’ve no real idea. Please can anyone advise?

Appreciate you can't divulge information, just glad that he doesn't know where you and your daughter live (I have his MH issues being a factor in my head, rightly or wrongly)

You just need to make sure you look out for yourself OP, make sure you and your daughter are kept safe and drama free from this.

The police have actively advised him not to tell people about the arrest? I'm not sure that's standard procedure and suggests it might be something that could potentially raise a vigilante response?

If so, I'm not surprised you don't want anything to do with him or the situation, and it would very much make me question my relationship if my partner did, parent or not.

DP has tried so many times to get him help for his issues but he won’t accept it. He should have been sectioned after the last incident but the system failed him imo.

Thank you again for all the support, this place is amazing sometimes.

I think with your past you've briefly mentioned, your DP should be understanding of your unwillingness to be any part of this. Especially as you have your daughter.

As you've not spoken to him properly yet you know his whole feelings on the matter, but I would guess he will stand by his son. I know unless it was one of a few particular crimes (I'm sure you can guess which ones I mean) I would still be there for my child regardless of age.

It might work if you see it as supporting your DP as he is having a tough time with his child, rather than supporting any decision related to the crime or having anything to do with the son at all.

Sounds a very stressful situation and sorry you are going through it x

Sorry I meant *don't know his whole feelings

@Moonbag this is slightly off piste but I'm reading Heavy Light by Horatio Clare at the moment. It's an account of his breakdown and how inadequate the system is in so many ways - all the times he should have been sectioned but was sent home. I've also experienced a family member who should have been sectioned but wasn't. I've found Heavy Light one of the most affirming books I've read on the subject - it's made me cry for what we went through but also reassured me that we did all we could. It's very honest - he doesn't shy away from the impact on his family - but also incredibly empowering for family members. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's difficult when it's your own blood family, let alone step-children where you have so many other aspects to consider.

Just posted some advice but ive seen it’s been resolved now. Good luck hun i wish you all the best regarding this xxxx

Hi Op. how horrible. Poor you having to cope with this and what it will bring. And your poor partner.
It’s an awful situation for a parent. Some people think their well adjusted, children are a reflection of their parenting. Yes, of course it is, to some degree. But there is so much luck involved, mental health issues and other things that parents cannot control. There are many good parents who suffer seeing their children making Bad choices or see their children with mental health issues suffer. Trying to help an adult child with mental health issues and not being able to, not finding a way, is awful and if you are then confronted with an awful outcome, well, you can only imagine how devastating that feels…

If indeed the charge is as serious as you say, then there is a lot your partner sadly Is going to have to go through.

i highly recommend he reach out to PACT. They are a charity supporting the families of those imprisoned. They have a support line. But also offer 121 support and group support sessions. They can also offer practical advice and understand how the system works. You couold speak to them too.

I also wanted to say, that someone can totally condone what another person has done and still believe that a prison is not a good place for them to be.

i wish your DP and you all the strength.

I obviously didn’t mean condone there at the end. Middle of the night here and brain not working.
i meant someone can find something someone else did totally reprehensible and worthy of punishment but still not believe a UK prison is a good place for them.

Stop being nosey! It’s up to him to tell you

🙄

This folks, is what I call an 'MN Trip Wire Artist'.
Contextless buffoons who set traps within threads to knock it off course with accusatory one-liners that have barely any relation to the opening post.
Setting trip wires in threads regarding troubles of others who come here to seek advice and find help doesn't even belong in AIBU.
It's pathetic, predictable, and probably (most likely) wine fuelled.

Always best to completely ignore them.

And before another Trip Wire dipshit enlightens us all that MY post isn't ignoring it - well of course my own reply serves as an illustration only.

@Gormenghastly I love that and will use it going forward!

Thank you @Silviasilvertoes I’m sorry youve been there too. @Testingthetimes thank you also for the PACT recommendation, could be very useful for DP.

I saw him tonight, it was quite tough because I’m torn between being so sorry for him having been put in this situation and anger at his son’s stupidity and reluctance to sort himself out - I know that’s unfair because of his issues but at what point can he be expected start dealing with life like an adult and stop hurting people including himself?

Son appears to be mixed up with some not very nice types so the one thing I have told DP is to make sure his social media is watertight and has no reference to me on it - we’re not friends on anything luckily as we’re not teenagers. I don’t want this brought to my door, and preferably not to his either. I don’t think that’s being over cautious?

I don’t think that’s being over cautious?

Sounds incredibly sensible to me. You don’t know what’s involved here, so no point in making things easy for anyone dodgy to become aware of your existence. And if it is being over cautious in this particular situation, then so what? No harm can ever be done from being cautious with your personal information.

Don't excuse him because of 'his issues'. Plenty of people have issues and don't commit crimes. He's made choices and now he's going to suffer the consequences. Don't try to mitigate or soften this for him - he deserves what's coming to him.

OP - you're posting on a forum which will bring out judgment and condemnation and a lot of misinformation- but at least you have posts like the ones from

@Testingthetimes and @Silviasilvertoes

Only one thing your son needs.

And that's a lawyer, even if innocent always always get a lawyer.

And plenty of people commit crimes and have criminal records - at the last count 12 million people have criminal records. Yes, for all sort of things - but, yep, 12 million

The minority. And it doesn't make it acceptable or in any way excusable.

But unclench a little and just relax 🤷🏼‍♀️

I know this isn't really the point of the thread, but I just wanted to jump in and correct lots of people here who are saying he was either lying or 'choosing not to say the reason' for his arrest...

Over recent months, due to my mental health issues, I have been arrested and/or detained under the mental health act on a number of occasion. Each time, the police have been very firm in letting me know that during the phonecall with whoever I wish to call, I am not to discuss any of the details regarding how and why I was arrested. So it's not the case that he was 'choosing not to say'.

Hope you are ok OP 💐

Sorry but no - criminals failing to take responsibility for their actions and families having to deal with the fallout of shitty behaviour is not something that I think is a lighthearted topic. You can have your own view without trying to pick apart mine.

That's good @Moonbag you're doing the right thing not having any mention of you. That was my concern for you, in case it was potentially violent and you were dragged into it.

So here's something I thought of earlier and didn't post in case it was hurtful. But it relates to each of you, DP and DPs son, so I decided to post it, after your latest updates.

You made a comment earlier about drama following you despite you not wanting it. Sometimes this isn't really a you issue, it's an issue of the people you've surrounded yourself with - it's not your drama, it's theirs, but you're getting caught in the fallout. Even if that's just the never ending stress of supporting them as they go through it time after time. It's in your power to remove this drama from your life by removing the people involved in the drama from your life. In an ideal world it'd be DPs son taking this action to preserve everybody's peace. But if he won't and DP won't, you still can, if you choose to.