DS 's lovely little pal and miserable DP

[Deathfingers]

DS 12 has a lovely little bestie. They have been best friends for around 4 years and hang around a bit either here, in his house or the local park, hes here maybe 2-3 times a week max.

Now they're older they stay out later, so either here, at his or out til about 7pm. If they come here it's usually til around 6pmish then they go out for an hour.

DP and I both work FT. He gets in around 6pm some days.

A few times in the past I'd get a message saying he'll "pre warn" me when he's on his way so I can shoo DS friend home because he's "been working and won't come home to DS pal here" Each time I usually reply with a breezy "don't worry they are both in his bedroom hanging out" and that used to end the madness, but lately his messages are getting more demanding and argumentative. Apparently its not normal for kids to be at each others houses all the time - its 3 times a week at most for a couple of hours? He's also started hinting that I'm acting strange by wanting his friend here all the time (I dont? It's for DS!)

I get it, I like my peace, and his pal is very comfortable here 😬 he'll just wander in to the kitchen and grab an apple or drink without asking but meh, I secretly think it's pretty cool that he's so comfortable here and there's no issues re: the extra food he eats, it's not a lot and he is very polite. But DP says he doesnt want him even if they are upstairs bothering no one.

DC aren't allowed sleepovers etc because DP doesn't like it, he also doesn't like them playing in the garden, so I feel if I let him stop letting them have pals around to chill they won't have much left they can do!

Who's the odd one here? I think it's totally normal for pals to go to each others houses while parents are in, he thinks this isnt usual, I'm the weird one, and the kid should leave at 5pm before he comes home.

If its not me who's being strange how do I handle this? I'm so tempted to just reply with "no" and not engage next time I receive my pre warning message.

You should not have to do this. He's making you walk on eggshells.

What do you sense that he might do if you ignored his request?

Think about how your life is now, today.
Is it nice for you? If you were single and dating, would this be the man you'd think 'yes please' to?

I often wonder why people stay in relationships when their oh is unpleasant. Is it habit? Logistics? Because he used to be pleasant ten years ago? I assume it's 'for the kids' , but, this isn't pleasant for your child, so that doesn't make any sense.

I would say your dp has become, always was, thoroughly self absorbed. Most/good parents are happy if their kids are happy.

I actually don't disagree with him that I'd prefer coming home to a quiet home. But I made the choice 15 years ago to have children, which they didn't, and therefore they are my consequences to bear. As they are his. It is the child's home too, they have no choice.

I suspect yours and your child's life would be happier if you divorced.

So what's your "D"P's long term goal here? Is it that your DS only plays out or at his DFriend's home, sleeps at theirs sometimes? That he's not allowed any friends in his home ever?

"Writing that down makes me realise how pathetic I am for pandering to it"

That's not the important takeaway. Much more crucial is the realisation you're getting how atypical this is and that it getting worse is a bad sign.

Soooo I know autism is really over-mentioned here but I can relate to some people (maybe autistic, maybe very introverted) just not being able to deal with visitors on any level when returning back to their "safe place" after a day of peopling. However you can deal with that if the person has insight into that and can factor in other people's needs & negotiate a way forward. It is completely impossible if they are just unilaterally dictating unreasonable terms around their loved ones' lives. That's not normal or acceptable. Children not being allowed in that garden? Ridiculous. Kids playing out is the number one point of gardens - to me anyway.

I think the garden room is actually quite a good idea, but maybe it should be your husband's sanctuary not somewhere you, your son and his friend are all expected to retreat to so he can have an entire house to himself in the homework/cooking dinner/catching up with each other slot. Men and sheds have a special relationship. There's also a alternative way forward which is you ask the pal to leave by a set time, say 5.30 or 6pm, so you can do family dinner etc. I actually think that would be quite reasonable. Being delegated the job of turfing pal out specifically because your husband is getting home is weird and controlling.

It depends a lot where your husband is coming from on this and I'm maybe overthinking it, but I think you will only make progress if you can both engage with the "why" and talk sensibly about it. Just saying "no" to him is unlikely to be productive. But equally he sounds very obstreperous and difficult to engage on this subject.

@Elodea 👏👏👏

I believe that it’s equally important to support your DC in their friendships as it is in their homework or their hobbies. Friendships are crucial to mental wellbeing.

Brilliant post @Elodea

I love the word obstreperous 👍

He's been very unreasonable, especially as they are mostly contained in your son's room. Having a best friend to hang out with like that is great for them both - I think your DP just has to put up with it. He's still got the rest (most) of the evening to relax without guests. I wouldn't even consider pandering to this. And the not liking them playing in the garden is ridiculous. Most parents would like to see their children outside more, not less.
When I was young my best friend came round most days at one point. We didn't go to her house very often and I think friends often have a house they gravitate more towards. My friend's house was small but crowded and there wasn't a lot of space and no garden.

Your DP is very odd. If they were running wild around the house I could understand it, but chillin' out in a bedroom or the garden, what's his issue?

He is a very difficult man tbh. I can handle it when it's towards me but now it's impacting and affecting DC development and relationships then no, I won't accept it.

Mine and dps relationship is a whole other thread 😔 but I feel pretty geared up after this thread now I know its not be thats being odd so who knows, this might be the 'event' that brings things to a head because I won't be backing down now, so thank you everyone.

What annoys me is he's all "Hey X <big smile>" when he does see the kid.

Tbf it's not EVERY week, sometimes he won't be round at all, some weeks maybe 1 day, some 2-3, it depends. This week it's been 3 as they are off school but it's only been from say 3pm to 6pm.

He wont do anything when I ignore his pre warnings in future but he'll probably stew on it and get increasingly demanding with his next pre warnings and cause shit elsewhere.

This is only going to get worse as your son is getting older and will expect to make his own plans and invite friends over etc. It's not like when they are 5 and you control every friendship. You need to address this with your DH as your DS is going to become another adult in the house with different needs/wants/opinions which DH needs to accommodate.

He thinks that he is in charge and he gets to tell people including you what they can and can't do. It is controlling and I imagine he also controls you by sulking and being unpleasant if you go out or do something with others at the weekend when he is at home. I lived a bit like this when my kids were younger. I regret not standing up for myself.

Going forward into the teenage years, its much better to have your DS at home with his pals, you can see what he/they are up to. My parents always had open house tomour friends for that reason I think! My Dad woukd regularily drive them home too.

Your H is miserable and controlling.

Do you both (you and ds) want to live like this?

Ive tried finding out why, i also wondered if his dad was very strict about this, but he never feels he has to explain his view about anything. I feel I have no choice but to "take control bsck" and just say no because he won't listen to reason. I've really tried.

Funny he'd mentioned a garden room a few months ago. I'm pretty keen on this but not just for this issue, will make some enquiries I think.

Thats my point! If they are here I know DS is safe and happy as is his little pal. The park is a bit rough (we live in a rough area, I'm not snobby about that I've lived here all my life and 'get' the ways of the area e g. Keep yourself to yourself etc.) but still, I'd rather he's here!

Not surprisingly I also get a bit of grief when dp finds out he's been to the park.

Someone asked about the DC.. Ive done a very good job at shielding them from a lot of this, they adore him, irrationally that pisses me off too tbh

he never feels he has to explain his view about anything.

Sorry but he's sounding worse each time you post. He gets to dictate how the whole house live and he doesn't even need to explain his motives or intentions, meanwhile you're on high alert every time the DFriend is over just in case they disturb your "D"H in sine way?

I was going to suggest that your DH quits smoking so that DS gets to use his own garden and tries going to the gym 2 or 3 nights a week after work so that by the time he gets home the DFriend will be ready to leave or have gone.

I think your DH will be much happier with a different solution though, one that gives him ultimate peace and quiet and lets you and DS enjoy your own home and that's LTB.

All children adore their parents at that age.

My mum was like that and dad wouldn't interfere. It was just no. No playing, no studying, no sleepovers ,no parties.As a result, if I ever had kids over it was by sneaking them in when my parents were at work and then a big hoopla with fear, threats and punishments. Then repeat. It got better once I was a bit older by spending time at other people's houses instead.

She constantly moans and judges me for allowing , encouraging and accommodating DD to have what I didn't. First it was playdates/parties . Now it's sleepovers under the guise of safety concerns. 🙄

Absolutely

He wants to smoke cigarettes and hide it from the kid.

Just wanted to say thank you to each and every one of you ❤️ I'm struggling to reply to every post but I've read every single one and nodded along, disagreed with a few, but you've ALL been really kind and helpful in different ways. So thank you!

Today I just wanted to know if this was a me or him problem. Now I'm confident it's not me I'm absolutely going to put my foot down about this and may well spark off other things as he doesn't like being stood up to. OR, as it would genuinely be the first time I've actually not engaged with his shit he might realise he can't control everything anymore. I honestly can't tell with him.

I hear the posts saying ltb and am not surprised at all. I'm not ignoring them ❤️

I think if he will engage at all, you need to ask him how this is going to pan out in DS' teen years.

DH will sometimes come out with similar batshittery but when I point out the long term gain he will usually grumble about me being right, again and change his behaviour.

It's whether your "D"H is willing to listen to other people in his family and start putting some of their needs before his own.

I have 4 dc and they always have friends over ( normal size 3 bedroom house ). Me and dh work full time too. It's the kids house too, and it's lovely seeing them happy and I like getting to know their friendship groups. Onetime there were 9 children playing upstairs together. Your dh sounds a miserable sod tbh and controlling.

You DH is weird! I used to think it was far better for them to have friends round to our place - because then you at least know they are safe and what they are doing! I encouraged friends coming and staying! This is especially important for when they are older and start getting up to all sorts.