Staying at a friends house - it’s filthy

[Wellthisisshitty]

We are driving across the country for a short trip and a friend who I’ve not seen in a few years asked if we’d like to come and stay to break up the journey there. Her husband is away for work for a few days, mine is at home working so it was a no brainer.

We used to live in the same area, both moved away a few years ago so I jumped at it. Thought it would be lovely to spend the day/night with her and her children, all same age as mine, older two went to school together when they were small.

We arrived an hour ago and I could cry. It’s like something out of those hoarders programs and it honestly smells like something has died in here. The smell hit me as soon as she opened the door and it got worse as I headed to the kitchen/bathroom. The sofas are encrusted with food/first and covered with clothes, food, toys. Flies everywhere, cat shit overflowing litter trays.

Shes given me and my toddler her room for the night, just put our bags up there and you can’t even walk to the bed. Shit all over the bed and the floor and god, the smell. Bathrooms are piled high. my other children are supposed to be sleeping in her children’s rooms but again, piled high.

I feel awful saying this, but I don’t know if I can stay here. She said she would cook, but I am standing in her kitchen and there is just mould on everything. I’m sticking taking us all out to a carvery on my credit card as a thank you, I can’t eat here.

I don’t care if I sound awful by the way. It’s not just a bit of dirt and mess.

The filthiest homes I've ever been to are the homes of nurses.

I realise that "not all nurses..."
This is just my own observation.

I'm not talking about untidiness. I'm talking dirt, stench, mould, fridges that are hazmat scenes, rugs of indeterminate colour, dogs in dire need of grooming, gardens full of dog poo, every surface piled high with goodness knows what, sinks full of dishes, bins overflowing.

Maybe there's something about the stressful working environment that makes it hard to keep all the plates spinning at home. I'd say the fact the husband basically works away has a lot to do with this woman's mental state. She's not coping well at all, basically on her own, neither single nor partnered really.

The worst home I've ever been in (friend was a nurse) was one where this was the setup. Husband away for work (in the oil industry), friend working PT and also trying to manage the home. In the case of my friend, the husband had a girlfriend for many years, someone who would fly to see him wherever he was working.

OP, I'd ask her to make time for a chat, once this holiday is over. I'd open with a casual observation that life with children is exhausting, and it's so hard when you're basically trying to hold it all together on your own. See where it goes from there. I'd push for her to hire a cleaner after an initial big sort out. Repeat that your suggestions come from a place of love and no judgement whatsoever.

Sadly, it's been my experience that medical professionals are able to get away with all sorts of neglectful treatment of children - some social workers seem to have rather too much respect for the profession and don't push too hard.

However, if your friend is really resistant to your suggestions, I'd call the children's school and ask to speak to the safeguarding lead. I'd tell that person that you are aware that this woman and her children are often well turned out and that this is stupefyingly miraculous, given the horrific state of the house, which you should describe in as much detail as possible. If you have any photos to show them, that would be ideal, but perhaps that ship has sailed.

The fact that the family managed to turn up well dressed and well presented shows that she is aware to some extent of what the reality is, but she's trying to present a facade to the outside world. I think she knows she needs help. Maybe her invitation to you was a well disguised cry for help?

Calling social services, or school teachers, about your friend is somewhat the nuclear option.

Surely first action is to speak to her directly?

People seem quick to jump from zero to ten. Perhaps a gentle, caring, well-intentioned conversation will push her to look at her mess in a different way, and do the trick, without having to go through the trauma, hurt, time and money of involving Government services! And if not, at least she had a heads up.

The duty is to the children. End of. How many children haven't got the help they need because people are too scared to speak up. I absolutely appreciate it isn't easy but just have to bite the bullet. You can report anonymously or go through the school but either way something should be done.

@Janedoe82 I hear you, I really do.
But wouldn't you speak to your friend first, before phoning in social services, school authorities etc?
I'm sure the stretched Government services would prefer the people try to resolve things first without calling them in!
This is what community and friendship is about, as well, Helping friends when they need it, to do better, be better for their kids.
The alternative is a somewhat Orwellian world where we all just make anonymous accusations to the authorities about each other - as a first port of call!!

Yes please make sure you do this.

I don't know if I could hide my disgust, but actually I don't think you should try to. This is not normal family life. Could you talk to her about it - maybe after you leave?

I remember a girl from school who was always filthy, with eye watering B.O. I mean proper, black ring round the collar of her white school shirt filthy.

Both her parents were doctors.

I’ve been here op. Many years ago a friend was so excited I was visiting she woulnt stop going on about cleaning her house ready for me, apparently she spent 2 days non stop. Fuck knows what it was like before she cleaned it but it was disgusting. Sadly I couldn’t come up with an excuse not to eat as we’d talked about what she’d cook for me. No surprise i ended up with food poisoning.

Also got another friend, I love her, like you say so well turned out, kids always look insta ready, they are very well off, the house is absolutely huge, but omg it’s disgusting. When at her old house having some drinks the toilet was busy so friend said use her en-suite, the squatted over the toilet and didn’t want to touch the taps as they were full of toothpaste splatter ewww. When they moved I visited for a couple of nights. I decided I’d just make sure I had a big pack of dettol wipes with me. I slept in a bed that had obviously not had the sheets changed, I had to use my feet to seep all the Lego and child’s dirty clothes away to make a path to the bed. To be fair to her though the bathroom was no where near as bad as I was expecting.

The parts of the house used for socialising are ok, they regularly host parties and the kitchen and downstairs toilet are presentable. When she visited us after we moved away she said she was really surprised and my house wasn’t what she expected and I was different. I think because I’d never said anything or flinched at her house she was kinda expecting mine to be like hers. She’d only been to our old house which was a rental and fully furnished, I think she assumed we kept the place tidy and didn’t allow kids jumping all over the place because the house wasn’t ours.

Should add, friend dose have MH problems, but I know she sees the dirt I just think she dosnt worry about it.

no- because vulnerable people like this rarely make change and sustain it without specialist help, and there needs to be an investigation in to what is actually going on! We don't know and it could be anything ranging from mental health to prescription drug misuse/ functioning alcoholic.

I wish I had the naivety/lack of experience with this type of thing of some people. I mean that in a nice way, I really do! This type of thing isn't linked to intelligence. I posted a thread about an alcoholic living in squalor not so long ago-one of the most intelligent people I've ever met, private education, very high IQ but has never looked after the house, has trouble keeping pets clean, even before things got to the level when I posted that thread the house was what some may know as squalor and sounds similar to what is described here.

For me, I really, really struggle with housework always have. My house is always a mess (nothing like what OP is talking about, mind but some people would really find it unacceptable).

I'm a Mental Health professional with an M.A and of all the things negative I could say about myself, I am far from not intelligent. I pick things up very quickly and to give an example we have a new system at work and I have been doing other things/playing games all the way through the extensive training for it because I knew I'd not need to learn it-just to illustrate (and I didn't, I worked it out immediately).

But intelligent doesn't equal-is excellent at all aspects of adult life.

By contrast, a woman I know who I help with things (letter writing, her medical appointments etc.) because she helps me with practical things has learning difficulties, cannot really read or write (I mean, she can write a text msg in text speak but wouldn't be able to read a book for example) is the cleanest, most meticulous person I've ever met. I don't think there is any link either way.

Messy I have no problem with, especially with people who work long hours/hard jobs etc, but mould, and dirty sofas... it doesn't sound like they're coping. It is weird that it seems to have got much worse. I don't know how or if I could bring this up with a friend, but it sounds like you need to.

But if you've not seen her in a few years and she lives some distance away then she's presumably not part of your day to day life?

Why not just unapologetically speak the truth and say you're unable to stay somewhere that is mouldy etc? Instead of all kinds of strategies to avoid the truth?

That is surely the best way to attempt to help her and her kids?

A kind conversation around the truth is surely possible? You might find she share's that she's having a hard time and you can offer some guidance as where to access help.

If she can't take the feedback, you might, at worst, lose the friendship but at least you will have lived according to your own values and she might get it eventually, even if it's a shock to hear at first.

The problem is some doctors seem to neglect everything else in order to do their work, it starts early with dropping self care to get the grades, medical school is horrendous and then the god forsaken hours of the job. Many have no sense of their own well being at all, the dc grow up to be the same. It’s almost like looking after themselves is trained out of them.

There is a good reason why only certain people make it through med school.

I agree with honesty being the best policy. You don't have to be hysterical about it, though frankly, sometimes an honest reaction from a friend gets through better than a masterclass in diplomacy. As for white lies and suddenly remembering a prior engagement, that verges on gaslighting IMO.

As for the homes of 'intelligent professionals' sometimes being shockingly squalid - my OH used to visit lots of homes as a tradesman, and ceased to be amazed at the health-hazard chaos many lived in. Particularly teachers and medics. Often there were small children around, and he found it quite distressing as well as a dilemma about whether to tell someone.

You must not stay there. It's a health hazard and she has a mental illness possibly.

Many, many homes are like this. My husband has a job where he goes into 4 or 5 different homes on a daily basis and some of the horrors he sees from people who seemingly have it together is common.

One that really struck me was a lady whose house was an absolute tip but whilst he was working on her home she took herself out in the garden and sunbathed for the day, eating a sandwich, reading a magazine and having a lovely old time! I haven't been able to get that out of my mind as I just could not for the life of me sit in the garden with all that mess in my house.

One of my dearest friends lives exactly like you describe, I don't think she has ever hoovered her house in the 15 years I have known her, she has kept chickens who would come in the kitchen and shit on the floor, she has dogs that don't know the difference between her conservatory or the floor outside her utility room absolutely stinks of cat piss and I walked through a load of cat piss the other week naively following her to the garden when she thought I was going to wait in the kitchen, I then stepped into a pile of dog poo that was right outside the utility room door. She is revolting but her kids seem fine, albeit equally messy, they have all managed to survive....

I have more stories...like the home of the family that my daughters friend was house sitting for - I took photos of that one to show my friends and family as I was just gobsmacked you could go on holiday and just walk away from the utter desolation in your house whilst expecting someone to house sit!

But the kids aren't 'fine'. They are surviving in the only environment they know but that environment is undoubtedly neglectful and damaging them.

I find this thread horrendous.

No need to post this on social media.
Use your common sense.

Everyone piling in about SS and their levels of hygeine.

Dreadful. Will get picked up by the press.

Mumsnet isn't social media :/

Where there is a risk to someone's health, especially a child's, then that has to come before the worry over a friendship ending.

I had a lodger who lived like this once too. I went into her room (legitimately, she asked me to check something) and there was a used sanitary towel just on the side, a full ashtray (I'd said she could have the odd one out of the window but I didn't want her sitting in her room smoking and she obviously had been), clothes ALL over the floor could barely see it, muck, mess, old food, plates, takeaway wrappers.

She lived here for 6 months and never once changed the bedding or washed her clothes. I wouldn't say she was remarkably intelligent but she was very 'normal'. Worked in a nursery as well as in a (quite posh!) cafe. Some people are just like this for whatever reason.

Children living in a house with faeces everywhere and mould in the kitchen are having their health endangered. This is when guests are expected, I dread to think what it's like at other times. It is neglect.

Of course it is.

A virtual community or network where people share, create and/or exchange information and ideas.

Bleurgh. I have a friend like this. Shes an old friend from school. Lives in a beautiful and sprawling old farmhouse, husband is a partner in a London law firm. They are seriously wealthy.

We stayed with them once, and only once. Their house was filthy and smelly.

My kids were about 8 and 10 at the time and they STILL talk about how awful their dirty house was. I think spending a night there traumatised them.

The friend shouldn't be putting you in the position of having to deal with this embarrassing and uncomfortable situation. It's so rude as well as a health hazard. People just aren't ashamed of themselves now. They'd have been the talk of the washhouse in days past.