Staying at a friends house - it’s filthy

[Wellthisisshitty]

We are driving across the country for a short trip and a friend who I’ve not seen in a few years asked if we’d like to come and stay to break up the journey there. Her husband is away for work for a few days, mine is at home working so it was a no brainer.

We used to live in the same area, both moved away a few years ago so I jumped at it. Thought it would be lovely to spend the day/night with her and her children, all same age as mine, older two went to school together when they were small.

We arrived an hour ago and I could cry. It’s like something out of those hoarders programs and it honestly smells like something has died in here. The smell hit me as soon as she opened the door and it got worse as I headed to the kitchen/bathroom. The sofas are encrusted with food/first and covered with clothes, food, toys. Flies everywhere, cat shit overflowing litter trays.

Shes given me and my toddler her room for the night, just put our bags up there and you can’t even walk to the bed. Shit all over the bed and the floor and god, the smell. Bathrooms are piled high. my other children are supposed to be sleeping in her children’s rooms but again, piled high.

I feel awful saying this, but I don’t know if I can stay here. She said she would cook, but I am standing in her kitchen and there is just mould on everything. I’m sticking taking us all out to a carvery on my credit card as a thank you, I can’t eat here.

I don’t care if I sound awful by the way. It’s not just a bit of dirt and mess.

How can she not see it 😮

I know houses can end up like that (usually due to mental health or other circumstances) but normally the people are very aware and embarrassed by it.

Maybe you have a point. But it is at least anonymous - it's not like OP is publicly shaming her named friend who we all know, is it.

It annoys me how some people get the hump about posters discussing their anonymous real life situation and huff about how this is a massive betrayal of trust. I find it daft :D

All the houses I go to which are like this are owned by professionals, most of them highly educated. There mustn't be a culture of housework amongst types like this. They must be reading or doing maths or something 🙄

It sounds quite grim op. I'mpleased you've managed to find a diplomatic way out of eating and staying there.

I once addressed something with a friend, not hygiene related but child safety related and it did not go down well, we are not friends any more but at least her child is safe...or safer. Is it possible to contact the husband and say you are a but worried about your friend? How long since he's been back home?

It is hard, I have a friend who is similar to this but not as bad partly because she doesn’t have pets so no dirty cat litter etc. She likes dogs and I always think what a nightmare it would be if she got one. She doesn’t have kids and I know she’s aware of how bad her place is because her mum comments on it when she visits and she mentioned it a couple of times before too.

I don’t think calling social services would do anything apart from strain the friendship. They won’t take any action apart from popping round and then they’ll hear the couple are doctors and see the large house and look at how clean and fresh the kids look and be off again.

@Wellthisisshitty Worms are present in cat shit unless she worms them monthly.

Absolutely do not allow your children to stay there...I thought you were going to say un hoovered floors, not actual grime and filth...and animal shit.

That's awful and so cruel for the animals.

Is there cat excrement on the beds?

Please do not stay there.

Cat allergy.

if she's a true friend, talk to her. Be straight. It's putting her health, that of her children and her animals at risk. Then phone social services and the RSPCA.

I think a doctor with dc may well be on mn.
The journey times, descriptions of cat litter trays and mould and the going out to eat plus accidentally booking early in the hotel?
It is so identifiable.
I would definitely recognise that scenario I I was the friend.

@Loubilou23 Both my dbs are tradesmen and have told me of some disgusting stories. There is a story about vibrators that’s regularly told.

@PersonalityofaVacuum By contrast, a woman I know who I help with things (letter writing, her medical appointments etc.) because she helps me with practical things has learning difficulties, cannot really read or write (I mean, she can write a text msg in text speak but wouldn't be able to read a book for example) is the cleanest, most meticulous person I've ever met. I don't think there is any link either way.

This was my grandparents, both illiterate. I remember my Nan teaching herself how to spell my name so she could write it in a card for me. Usually one of my aunts or uncles would write their cards. But my god was their home absolutely spotless. Several of my aunts and uncles were the same, out of 10 children only 4 could read and write properly. I’m not a particular fan of this side of my family, but I know if I was to ever walk in their homes they would be immaculate.

It's pretty shitty you posted about her on the internet.

You've said what the house looks like
You've said you've gone out for lunch
You've said you're going to have to leave earlier than expected.
You've said how you know her.

Doesn't take a genius to work out this thread is about her if she sees it is it?

Hoarding is a mental illness and you've also told the internet that you sent a photo of her room to your husband.

She’s not clean (nor her children) if her house is that filthy. Don’t lie op. Say…it’s too dirty here for me and my children to stay. Thank you for the offer. Then leave. If you want to take them out for lunch do so. Her children would probably appreciate it. I would never stay some where dirty…bed bugs fleas head lice and mice are a real possibility. I wouldn’t even go out for dinner with them. If you placed your bags on the floor or bed I would plastic bag them and watch your shoe soles. For me I would not report to social services she and her DH can live how they want and as a rare visitor I would not involve myself. She misled you into staying there and you don’t need to lie or story tell to avoid it.

She's probably read this on the DM website. That will be a wake up call!

I knew they'd pick it up

Yeah.

'Mums takes to Mumsnet to complain about FILTHY VILE HOUSE' they will definitely pick on this.

I'd never forgive you for posting this, which is just as well as you think she's a dirty cow and have posted about her online.

I shared a house with an Oxford educated lawyer in my 20s. She was the most filthy person I have ever lived with - she had a poor cat whose litter tray I started changing because my housemate would let shit build up to intolerable and disgusting levels. She didn’t change her bedsheets in 9 months, her room was covered in clothes, rubbish and old plates and cups with mould in them. I would (immaturely) take pictures of her room and send them to friends who were totally shocked. I’ve never known anything like it. Yet she was not depressed, cheerful and didn’t have the slightest bit of shame about her vile conditions. She was shocked that no relationship seemed to work out after she brought them back to our flat but is now married to someone who apparently doesn’t mind squalor.

And the filthiest house I know of now belongs to a vet and her husband and is grim but again seemingly no shame. Her children’s behaviour is fairly out of control and she potentially has MH issues but i would do anything to avoid having anyone round if it were me.

Meanwhile I struggle with depression and sometimes neglect housework for a few days and my biggest fear is anyone coming round unexpectedly. I clean like mad if guests are coming.

Doubt she’d know it was her and not everyone is on Mumsnet - shocker, I know.

She'll know it's her when the daily mail posts it as they are apt to do with these types of threads

I can understand you leaving Op, in your place I'd have done the same. I do think you need to address this with your friend, it's unhealthy for her DC and her animals and someone else could tell her the truth in a pretty nasty fashion. Could you write to her once you're home, telling her how surprised you were by the lack of cleanliness, in a concerned way, telling her you're worried she's depressed, not in good mental health or maybe she's taking on too much at once? You're at a distance so you can risk telling her the truth. It may end your friendship but, let's face it, you're never going back there

Will she? Maybe (presuming she reads the article) but nobody else is going to recognise her are they. And to be honest I actually wonder whether she will recognise herself as she seems utterly obvious to the state of her house.

I used to do home visits, too.

We had a code on clients' records for filthy houses: "T&P - X", ie don't risk having a pee or a cuppa in their homes.

^That's grim. I'd be booking into a travel lodge or something.

She might be blind to it, but no way would I subject myself or my kids to that.^

Me too!

I don't understand family, friends, school. neighbours etc. haven't cottoned on to this. Her kids can't be presenting themselves at school as o.k.

Say the home owner does read this or in the mail and recognise herself. What then? Will she berate @Wellthisisshitty for it or will she feel the concern from her friend and reach out for help? It's not the drama some are making it sound if she does see it. They don't seem to be friends that are in regular contact.

agree, you should feel some sort of concern for your friend that she lives in something you consider so messy

This sounds like a plausible explanation to me.

To be honest, you might be doing her a kindness by leaving, even if you come up with a very good excuse (like being allergic to HER cats). That way she might start to wonder.... maybe she found my house a "teeny bit not so very clean"...

OP, so many people live like that. I have three friends in London and they ALL live in complete filth!