Staying at a friends house - it’s filthy

[Wellthisisshitty]

We are driving across the country for a short trip and a friend who I’ve not seen in a few years asked if we’d like to come and stay to break up the journey there. Her husband is away for work for a few days, mine is at home working so it was a no brainer.

We used to live in the same area, both moved away a few years ago so I jumped at it. Thought it would be lovely to spend the day/night with her and her children, all same age as mine, older two went to school together when they were small.

We arrived an hour ago and I could cry. It’s like something out of those hoarders programs and it honestly smells like something has died in here. The smell hit me as soon as she opened the door and it got worse as I headed to the kitchen/bathroom. The sofas are encrusted with food/first and covered with clothes, food, toys. Flies everywhere, cat shit overflowing litter trays.

Shes given me and my toddler her room for the night, just put our bags up there and you can’t even walk to the bed. Shit all over the bed and the floor and god, the smell. Bathrooms are piled high. my other children are supposed to be sleeping in her children’s rooms but again, piled high.

I feel awful saying this, but I don’t know if I can stay here. She said she would cook, but I am standing in her kitchen and there is just mould on everything. I’m sticking taking us all out to a carvery on my credit card as a thank you, I can’t eat here.

I don’t care if I sound awful by the way. It’s not just a bit of dirt and mess.

https://www.yorkpress.co.uk/news/4452905.house-of-horror-in-clifton-york/

It's neglect and abuse to keep children living in squalid conditions. It escalates.
TW: description of the living conditions and children.

Personally I'd pack up and get out asap. Tell her there's an emergency at home if you must. Living in squalor is repugnant and unacceptable and I certainly wouldn't stay and put up for fear of hurting her feelings. And definitely report to SS. Those poor cats and children

Why preserve her feelings? Her lifestyle is repugnant and unsafe for her children and animals?

The fact she’s even invited you to stay indicates she doesn’t see a problem with this which is pretty concerning.

Out of nosiness what did you say to her? How tricky as she sounds a lovely person.

What a load of rubbish! Why do people like you, with nothing constructive to say, even bother posting?

Could it be a cry for help that she asked you to stay at all? Could someone really not notice this?

YABU. Leave. Go get a hotel. If it’s as bad as you say, then why would you subject your poor children to that? If you need a lie, tell her someone in the group is a bed wetter 😭

* THIS IS THE OP **

I don’t know what happened, I got logged out and cannot for the life of me get logged into that account again. You know when mumsnet says it has however many hundreds of thousands of users? Well, most of those will be me over the last two decades, locking myself out and having to create a new account.

Anyway, I text the mutual friend I mentioned last night. Asking if everything was okay and did she notice anything when she stayed.

Reply was basically loads of laughing emoji’s and telling me that nothings wrong, they are just fucking lazy, filthy and don’t care, they would rather plan and piss off on holidays than clean the house. Their house where we used to live wasn’t as bad they found a cleaner willing to work around them and their hoarding and they were in and out of rentals there (true, we all were), so were never anywhere long enough to let it get bad. Now they are in their own place and have been for a while, they can live like, in her words, pigs. She’s known her for much longer than I have and said, “you haven’t seen her parents place, just the same, wipe your feet on the way out”. She told me to hold my nose if I go there again, they won’t change, lots of their other friends have said things to them, or won’t visit, they simply don’t care and seem happy with living like that.

Theres a lot of reaching on this thread too. She didn’t invite me as a cry for help - she clearly has other friends to stay, I’ve seen it on Facebook with mutual friends. There was nothing sinister about inviting me when her dh was away - this date tied in with me going her way without my husband who was staying at home to work. It was just a, “hey we’re both on our own with the children that night, it will be fun”, nothing more.

So other people have noticed, said things and they just don’t care. That’s how they live.

Also, to all the people saying tell dc school - how would I know what school her dc go to? She wouldn’t have a clue what school mine went to either! We don’t live in the same area, I would have no clue.

That horrible green, hairy mould on plates, cups etc in the kitchen, sat in dirty water in the sink and on the sides (and on crockery in the living area and bedrooms). Slimy Mould all over bath toys in the baths and sinks.

Did you stay??!! Sounds like a lazy person who gives no fucks 😆 if you hadn't mentioned it was a woman I'd have thought you'd gone to stay at my stbexh house..! Same sort of scenario, cats piss smell hits you as you walk through the door. Kitchen surfaces covered in old plates and discarded take away containers. Clothes strewn about (which the cats piss on) it's frigging vile. Some people just don't care enough to be bothered by it. The irony is I'm immensely tidy, the house when we lived together was lovely and clean - but he often picked up on things I could do better 🙄 I sort of envy these types of people, I'd have a blue fit if someone found dust in my bathroom!! I hope you got out OP, sound absolutely awful. No point mentioning it, they obviously don't care.

@Wellthisisshitty2

Blimey. Ok they are hoarders and always have been and probably always will.

I feel sorry for the DC. My DH's parents are/ were hoarders, he said he wouldn't invite friends round from secondary school onwards and he felt shame. He doesn't really go round to his parents house much now.
His DB and DSIL are also showing signs of hoarding. No food or cleaning concerns - just the amount of clutter everywhere

It's shit, they will probably never change. I really, really hate going to their houses

I think I probably made us all sound younger than we are too talking about having toddlers. We are all mid 40s. So they have been like this for a long time, it seems. I’ve known them a decade, mutual friend I text went to uni with them both.

Oh my goodness!

Wel that’s other level.

It was hard to tell if it was like that or just a bit of mould stain down splashback tile grout lines etc, which is still not ideal but I’ve seen it before while people get around to re-grouting.

Bath toys you do have to be careful with. I’ve never seen it on the outside but they can get it inside because of that squeegey hole. You need to squeeze all the water out after use and every week or so suck up a bit of dettol or similar, shake, leave to sit then squeeze out do a rinse . Lots of people don’t know to do that.

I used to babysit in a house as a teen that was unspeakable. Even as a non fastidious 18 year old I could hardly bear it. It was one of the loveliest houses in the village large old house and the family were very grand (son at Marlborough etc parents both extremely plummy). It was all very strange.

I rented my spare room to a friend (no longer a friend) for a couple of years when I first moved in. When she moved out I walked into the room and burst into tears. It was absolutely disgusting, stains on the carpet(which I now have to cover with rugs until I can replace it), you could see the filth on the floor I don't think she had ever hoovered. There was mould on the window sill which had she told me about I would have dealt with, the walls were black with dirt in places. The walls had sellotape on where she had put up bloody fairy lights, the paint in parts had come off with the sellotape when she took them down.

I took pictures I was that disgusted. I have the photos before she moved in, after she moved out and after I redecorated so she cant even say it was like that when she moved in.

Some people just don't care because it's not theirs.

Bath toys you do have to be careful with. I’ve never seen it on the outside but they can get it inside because of that squeegey hole. You need to squeeze all the water out after use and every week or so suck up a bit of dettol or similar, shake, leave to sit then squeeze out do a rinse . Lots of people don’t know to do that.

Im thinking cleaning the inside of bath toys isn’t going to be high up on this householders list.

Sorry- they can’t choose to live like this and continue the cycle for their own children. Has anyone ever actually reported them before?

I am a doctor. I don't think think our house is anywhere near this unkempt but I'll be honest when you have kids and such a demanding job sometimes housework gets a bit overlooked. It's not even a case of being depressed it's a case of having very little mental reserve for much other than work and keeping kids happy, fed and clean. It's really quite harsh and shows a complete lack of understanding of this career type to just label it as lazy tbh.

That said, I would be mortified if somebody was talking about my house like this after I'd asked them to stay so presumably tidied up as much as I could before they came. And I'd draw the line at mouldy kitchens and any of our cat's 'mess' would be dealt with the minute we noticed it. It doesn't sound ideal and I can see why you're uncomfortable staying there but I think people are being a bit OTT saying their kids are being neglected and call ss etc. I'm not sure they'd have much time for kids who are otherwise being well cared for. Only you know how bad it is though. If you're worried then report it.

As someone said above their partner as a child who lived in a dirty home felt shame and it led to long term issues. Someone else said she had anxiety and was now estranged from her mother.
yes it is easy to think food and love means it is ok and not really neglect but reality is if often leads ro enduring mental health issues and this is why it needs to be addressed while the children are still toddlers.

Being a doctor does not give you a free pass to live like ‘pigs’ and expect your children to.

There was mould and food debris on kitchen surfaces and food prep areas; the bathroom - and the kids’ toys are covered in slime/mould. And you, as a doctor, feel this is okay? It’s not. It’s a a biological health hazard from which those children may already be experiencing eczema/asthma/digestive illness. And this is without exploring whether there is underlying Mh issues (stress, depression etc) that ay underpin why this mother - and her partner - are blind to the state of their home.

This family need an intervention before the children become unwell - and if the OP, a friend, was shocked by it, then what about the children, when they grow older and friends come for playdates? I can assure you, they will be socially ostracised by their peers (or rather the parents of their peers). The MH impacts on these children are, as PP’s above, likely to be significant.

This needs someone to step in now.

Sorry, I’ve confused things again. Not all the children are young. Just the youngest ones.

look. I don’t know if any else has reported them. People who have known them a lot longer than me are unconcerned and seemingly, happy to go and stay in that mess - the ones who aren’t, I am told refuse to visit. Children are happy. They all seem pretty happy with their lives to be honest. granted, I’m not a mental health expert, I can’t see what’s going on in their heads. But I text, we speak on the phone. There’s never an indication of anything be wrong.

I’m Not the only person in their lives. I wasn’t some desperate call for help while her awful husband was finally out of the house, from a depressed person who is otherwise alone 100% of the time, crying into a mouldy cup and begging for me alone to help them. Some posters can really reach!

What I am going to do today is start my short break with my children. I’m not going to be calling SS at 9am on the dot or playing detective trying to work out what school the children attend so I can tell the safeguarding lead their house is a state.

The state of their home is FAR from ideal. But I’m not the one who’s job is to sort this out for them. I’m certainly not going to go and offer to book skips and help them - they have local friends who could do that if they wanted to.

I’m married to a doctor and often wonder what would happen to the house and kids if I did the same job too. Now I have the answer.

I honestly don’t know how two doctors manage any kind of keeping up the home life if they’re together. Apart from spending a lot of cash on cleaners, which is exactly what this pair should do.

You just have to look at the Richard Spencer case to see this. Stunning house, kids rooms looked amazing, a child’s dream play room, house looked spotless, but the children witnessed their mother abuse and beat the shit out of their father on a daily basis. You can see the children in the footage.