Staying at a friends house - it’s filthy

[Wellthisisshitty]

We are driving across the country for a short trip and a friend who I’ve not seen in a few years asked if we’d like to come and stay to break up the journey there. Her husband is away for work for a few days, mine is at home working so it was a no brainer.

We used to live in the same area, both moved away a few years ago so I jumped at it. Thought it would be lovely to spend the day/night with her and her children, all same age as mine, older two went to school together when they were small.

We arrived an hour ago and I could cry. It’s like something out of those hoarders programs and it honestly smells like something has died in here. The smell hit me as soon as she opened the door and it got worse as I headed to the kitchen/bathroom. The sofas are encrusted with food/first and covered with clothes, food, toys. Flies everywhere, cat shit overflowing litter trays.

Shes given me and my toddler her room for the night, just put our bags up there and you can’t even walk to the bed. Shit all over the bed and the floor and god, the smell. Bathrooms are piled high. my other children are supposed to be sleeping in her children’s rooms but again, piled high.

I feel awful saying this, but I don’t know if I can stay here. She said she would cook, but I am standing in her kitchen and there is just mould on everything. I’m sticking taking us all out to a carvery on my credit card as a thank you, I can’t eat here.

I don’t care if I sound awful by the way. It’s not just a bit of dirt and mess.

@Loubilou23

Thankyou for your post. the house your daughter's friend was minding, could you please share the photo with us? I promise I'm not the owner !

I also previously suggested the OP spoke to the school incase they also had some concerns but not yet enough to go to social services and this extra information painted a bigger picture.

As Much as it might surprise people, i doubt this would meet the criteria for child protection. You can report it to SS , but i think I’d go down the route of actually talking to her directly first. Is she struggling with her mental health? Does she feel overwhelmed? Or is she just lazy and immune to the filth? I’d then say you won’t stay and go to a hotel.
it may well be that she doesn’t even see it as bad anymore. I have a lovely, intelligent friend of many years but she is very lazy in regards to her home and the last time I visited I vowed never to return again as it was so disgusting . It has fractured our relationship a bit but I just can’t do it. I actually bathed in capfuls of Dettol when I got home- it was that bad.

I respectfully disagree- it most definitely would where I am and social services would at least visit on the information provided. Ground in food, mould and animal faeces and terrible smell! Of course it would.

I had this situation arise (without kids).

My friend was depressed and her bf was over dealing with the mess. They were in a v small flat and there wasn’t much storage and I think it all got a bit much.

I arranged to stay a long weekend under the pretence of « cheering her up » and then just started cleaning and didn’t stop! I actually sent her out to get her nails done and have a wander around the shops and I just cracked on- no choice was given!!!

Of course this depends on your relationship, and also she has to accept help.

Could offering to help out work?

The OP cannot present anecdotal evidence to her friend's DCs' school. There is no evidence that the children are neglected. The house is grubby and she hasn't emptied the cat litter tray today. These are signs of depression in the OP's friend. Either the request to visit is a cry for help in some way, or their is something very wrong in that household. Abuse of OP's friend springs to mind - she has invited the OP when her DH is away. That may well be significant.

If you can’t help could a charity (Home Start?) help out? Just brainstorming…

It isn’t anecdotal- she phones the school and tells them the stage of the house- the filthy furniture, mould, childrens bedrooms not conducive to quality rest and cat shit! It is then up to them to refer to social services and social services investigate. That’s how it works!!

Glad you sorted it OP. Your friend must have some.issues going on to get into that state!

It's a tricky one,maybe you can give her a call or send a.text in a few days time and just tell her the real reason and see what she says.

Growing up, after my parents separated mothers house was quite a bit like this. We lived in filth as children and we all knew that it wasn't right..she was a functioning abusive alcoholic. She never cleaned. I'm talking no carpets on the stairs, laminate flooring half ripped up and all stained, terrible black mould, dust, cobwebs. No toilet seats, dirty furniture. Bare floorboards etc. Nothing to do with intelligence. My mother was a MH professional until she retired early. She just couldn't be arsed but she knew that it wasn't acceptable. She had many a dealings with SS because our friends would come round and then go tell their parents and they would report. My mother used to feed us only tinned beans, we were always dirty, never had clean clothes or clothes that fit and she would regularly abuse us, SS never did a thing despite numerous visits. So probs not worth it reporting. Also it doesn't sound like she's physically neglecting them so I don't see why you would. Maybe she just needs some support.

I have severe MH issues, a cat and toddler and my house isn't immaculate but it's not filthy. I hoover every day, I disinfect my surfaces everyday, never have pots in the sink or on the sides because I'm scared to death I'll end up like my mother's house and I can't bare it. I do have utter though especially upstairs but we don't live in squalor so maybe your friends MH is really suffering and could do with an intervention.

And if there is potential abuse it is even more reason that social services pay a visit!!!

I would hope SS now are much more aware of the long term impact of children living in a dirty home and would ensure support is put in place- as should have happened when you were a child.

I think that is perhaps why you are getting a bit of push-back on here. The friend sounds as though she gives the children quality input and they themselves are kept clean and healthy.

The litter trays sound unhealthy but, without wanting to tread on toes, I do find pet owners are often a bit nose-blind to their own pet’s stink. I quite often smell a cat litter smell in people’s houses that are otherwise clean and cannot count the times a big shaggy dog has come for a pet and I’ve had to brace myself to be friendly to smelly old Louis as the owner smiles proudly on.

Its just a bit hard to judge the scale ( because clothes and toys mess doesn’t warrant an allegation of neglect) and I think a few posters are thinking that an immaculate house is not necessarily the measure of good parenting - though there is definitely a variety of parent who thinks it is. We need that photo op🤣!

Yes the long term impact is massive. I now suffer debilitating anxiety and OCD (not so much contamination OCD surprisingly) but more intrusive thoughts and compulsions, checking, repetition counting etc)

But she doesn’t know the children are kept clean- they were today, but that may have been as friend had made an effort for today.
There is simply too much we don’t know to do nothing.

I am so sorry this has happened to you and you didn’t get the help you deserved and needed.

There is this girl on YouTube aurikatarina - she cleans houses like that for free and doesn't show the owners. Maybe you could suggest that to your friend. Ask her for help

Ah thank you. Unsurprisingly I went NC with my mother a few years ago and from what I hear she still lives like that.!

Would you consider contacting anyone she obviously needs some sort of help and I think the children would benefit from intervention. X

When I did safeguarding training, this would definitely have been notifiable. SS isn’t about taking children away, it’s about identifying families who need support. On the grading (when I did it) there were 4 levels, the 4th being the level where children were in danger and needed urgent intervention. The first level would be for families like this one, where they need external support and guidance on what is acceptable/safe living conditions for children.

They may be offered support/education, a service to come and assist the family in getting the house back in shape, counselling for mum to ensure it’s not the result of stress/depression. Just because a person plays in the park with her children and a friend’s children during a visit, doesn’t mean they weren’t masking a MH issue.

The point is to look at it as ensuring the children in the family are kept safe/healthy by getting both parents the support they clearly need. What OP describes is an unacceptable home environment. I’d call Social services.

The thing that strikes me with this is there are a great many confident proclamations about what is obviously needed; yet the op, who is the only one to have witnessed the home, and seems fond of the friend and children , did not initially seem struck by any such need to seek intervention. She simply wanted to not stay and was seeking an excuse. I used to hate staying with a certain friend because the spare room had those old fashioned candlestick bedcovers and was wallpapered in a kind of orange pattern I found repellent ( her parents had been super trendy in the 70’s and couldn’t move on); and there were shag pile carpets in the living areas that I thought were faintly smelly ( their two dogs lounged on them ). But neglect didn’t come into it .

What do you think op? Friend has MH issues and/or neglected children? Or each to their own? Though edited to add I have just re-read the op and wondering what “ mould on everything” actually means. A mouldy mug can happen if it gets left somewhere random … but everything sounds quite dramatic …

It is impossible to say what the mum needs from the information given but further investigation is definitely needed.

Sorry candlewick. Candlesticks on the bedcovers might well constitute neglect🤣

Why make an excuses? She clearly needs help. Tell her the truth. Ask her how is she? Why she lives like that?. Ask her nicely. I bet she knows something happened to her but no one ask her.

I would just have to be honest about the situation and leave.

I am baffled by people who live in dirty, untidy houses and don’t see it. They must see other people's reasonably clean, tidy homes and realise that that is the norm. Some people are aware that their hygiene standards could be higher but people like OPs friend seems completely blind to it. She thinks it’s ok to offer an untidy room and a grubby bed.
she sounds nice actually, inviting her friend and children, sleeping on the sofa.
But the posters who say ‘report to SS’ are horrible! That’s a totally shitty thing to do.