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Original poster

Staying at a friends house - it’s filthy

648 replies

Wellthisisshitty · 29/05/2024 10:26

We are driving across the country for a short trip and a friend who I’ve not seen in a few years asked if we’d like to come and stay to break up the journey there. Her husband is away for work for a few days, mine is at home working so it was a no brainer.

We used to live in the same area, both moved away a few years ago so I jumped at it. Thought it would be lovely to spend the day/night with her and her children, all same age as mine, older two went to school together when they were small.

We arrived an hour ago and I could cry. It’s like something out of those hoarders programs and it honestly smells like something has died in here. The smell hit me as soon as she opened the door and it got worse as I headed to the kitchen/bathroom. The sofas are encrusted with food/first and covered with clothes, food, toys. Flies everywhere, cat shit overflowing litter trays.

Shes given me and my toddler her room for the night, just put our bags up there and you can’t even walk to the bed. Shit all over the bed and the floor and god, the smell. Bathrooms are piled high. my other children are supposed to be sleeping in her children’s rooms but again, piled high.

I feel awful saying this, but I don’t know if I can stay here. She said she would cook, but I am standing in her kitchen and there is just mould on everything. I’m sticking taking us all out to a carvery on my credit card as a thank you, I can’t eat here.

I don’t care if I sound awful by the way. It’s not just a bit of dirt and mess.

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 29/05/2024 20:59

Janedoe82 · 29/05/2024 20:53

I absolutely do. And living in home conditions such as this is neglect- if the police were to see it they may even be charged. And I say that from experience.

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But we don’t really know the conditions.

A few people asked ( despite being jumped on for clarifying) if it was actual shit on the bed but it was just stuff. You don’t surely get charged for having clothes and toys on a bed?

The cat litter trays sound gross it has to be admitted …

BMW6 · 29/05/2024 20:59

This reminds me that a few years ago i met the LL of a neighbouring property on my way home. She was at her property to inspect after the tenants had vacated and was so shocked by the state of the place she invited me to have a look to see what I thought.

Well "filthy" isn't adequate to describe it. Every room absolutely beyond dirty. Carpets covered in food stains and looked like never hoovered. Walls scribbled on and splattered with curry (hopefully....)

The kitchen was the worst. Grease 1/2 inch thick on all the cooker hobs and covered the splashback.

They were both surgeons at the nearby hospital. They had a child and a daily childminder in the house!

She made them pay for a professional deep clean and they lost their deposit. They didn't argue the toss, just coughed up.

For the life of me I can't understand why they didn't have a cleaner - or pay the childminder extra (child around 7 so was taken to school!)

LlynTegid · 29/05/2024 21:00

Glad to read that you have sorted something out and enjoy the rest of your week.

Did you say they were medical professionals? That would concern me as how would you be confident they were clean etc at work.

Calliopespa · 29/05/2024 21:01

K0OLA1D · 29/05/2024 20:51

Would you use the trainspotting toilet? I wouldn't!

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Well I’m not the one to ask as I tend to avoid even public loos - certainly British trains etc . So no, I wouldn’t.

youhavenoidea3 · 29/05/2024 21:02

Janedoe82 · 29/05/2024 20:53

I absolutely do. And living in home conditions such as this is neglect- if the police were to see it they may even be charged. And I say that from experience.

Show quote history

You are giving your opinions very forcefully but it comes across that you are a fairly junior social worker, who knows some theory but not all and you could do with more understanding about what can cause trauma other than or as well as trauma. It is a judgement call, you have to look at the picture as a whole and try to decide what would most benefit the children after looking at the picture as a whole. It is not a black and white tick box exercise. Mess and dirt is not good, I agree, but as I said, it is a judgement call how best to deal with things. You cannot just assume MH or vulnerability or any dependency etc as you indicated in a previous post. It would be better that OP talks to her friend first.

K0OLA1D · 29/05/2024 21:03

Calliopespa · 29/05/2024 21:01

Well I’m not the one to ask as I tend to avoid even public loos - certainly British trains etc . So no, I wouldn’t.

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Same for cats!

I had a girl once who had her own litter tray and if she'd used it, not even my other cats, her, even for a wee, she'd poo on the floor next to it 🙄

We had to put down a puppy pad for her. She had very high standards

theholesinmyapologies · 29/05/2024 21:06

I'm glad you've managed to get a hotel room booked for the night.

I'm sorry, but it sounds like your friend is struggling more than she lets on. Hoarding/living in filth like that is the sign of mental health issues.

Janedoe82 · 29/05/2024 21:10

Calliopespa · 29/05/2024 20:59

But we don’t really know the conditions.

A few people asked ( despite being jumped on for clarifying) if it was actual shit on the bed but it was just stuff. You don’t surely get charged for having clothes and toys on a bed?

The cat litter trays sound gross it has to be admitted …

Show quote history

There is food ground into the furniture and mould in the kitchen and clutter everywhere. Plus over flowing animal faeces. And this is when she knows having visitors to stay. More than just a bit of mess.

youhavenoidea3 · 29/05/2024 21:11

youhavenoidea3 · 29/05/2024 21:02

You are giving your opinions very forcefully but it comes across that you are a fairly junior social worker, who knows some theory but not all and you could do with more understanding about what can cause trauma other than or as well as trauma. It is a judgement call, you have to look at the picture as a whole and try to decide what would most benefit the children after looking at the picture as a whole. It is not a black and white tick box exercise. Mess and dirt is not good, I agree, but as I said, it is a judgement call how best to deal with things. You cannot just assume MH or vulnerability or any dependency etc as you indicated in a previous post. It would be better that OP talks to her friend first.

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sorry, i meant other than or as well as dirt and mess.

Janedoe82 · 29/05/2024 21:11

youhavenoidea3 · 29/05/2024 21:02

You are giving your opinions very forcefully but it comes across that you are a fairly junior social worker, who knows some theory but not all and you could do with more understanding about what can cause trauma other than or as well as trauma. It is a judgement call, you have to look at the picture as a whole and try to decide what would most benefit the children after looking at the picture as a whole. It is not a black and white tick box exercise. Mess and dirt is not good, I agree, but as I said, it is a judgement call how best to deal with things. You cannot just assume MH or vulnerability or any dependency etc as you indicated in a previous post. It would be better that OP talks to her friend first.

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Yes but it needs to be properly investigated!!! Not just assumed to NOT being neglect.

Janedoe82 · 29/05/2024 21:12

I am very much aware of the potential complexities but am vociferously saying it can’t be ignored as we do not not know what is going on.

SapphireSeptember · 29/05/2024 21:13

Calliopespa · 29/05/2024 19:32

Actually it’s interesting because I have always kind of felt there is a link but the opposite - and the comments on this thread would support that too.

I think the link is that tidiness tends to be indicative of lower intelligence.

All the houses I know with loads of stuff in them - instruments, National Geographic magazines, memorabilia from travels, stacks of music scores etc and, of course books- tend to be lived in by highly intelligent types . By contrast the very orderly ( sometimes almost empty) homes that have the necessities - usually a big tv, maybe an ornament or two to do the “job” of ornament, perhaps a dutifully watered pot plant - but otherwise very little clutter tend to be very ordinary types intellectually.

I think the normal assumption is that less education equals less interests, so oh was stuff pertaining to interests, so less clutter which I guess is true up to a point. But I even wonder if it isn’t something deeper still, to do with how much complexity the brain is wired to manage comfortably. Maybe some people just need things kept clean and simple.

What is then interesting along those sorts of lines is the number of comments on this thread that medical types can have actually dirty - as opposed to cluttered- homes. I think doctors, dentists and nurses have all been mentioned in particular. I find myself wondering if it isn’t a heightened kind of mental immunity to germs given they have to work in such proximity to them. I am slightly germ phobic. I know that I am and I work to keep myself chilled out. But in truth my nervousness stems from fear and the fear in turn from ignorance. I don’t understand disease at a deep level ( never liked sciencey things ) and I wonder if it’s a similar kind of need for simplicity. Germs equal can be bad, equals spray some dettol cleaner . But maybe their familiarity gives them a fuller understanding . I mean people are talking about toxoplasmosis which is hugely concerning for pregnant women. But actually in many countries most people are immune because they had it when young.

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Maybe? But I have a lot of hobbies and stuff and I like my house tidy! It's not always clean, sometimes I leave the washing up for days until I have a burst of energy and blitz it, but I couldn't live in absolute squalor either. But it's also only me who lives here, so it doesn't get very messy. I've had to train myself to be tidy though.

My ex-in laws house, however, was pretty bad. I'd say similar intelligence/interests level to me, but they hoarded stuff. Kitchen was full of out of date food, stairs covered in dust. I have a tendency to keep stuff I don't really need, so make an effort to have a clear out every now and again. I lived there for a while and bought my own vacuum cleaner so I could keep my room tidy. When I moved out I decluttered and I've moved twice since then and got rid of stuff every time. Sometimes regret what I've got rid of, but there we go. 🤷🏻‍♀️ And towards the end of 2020 before I moved out of that place (in 2022) I ended up feeling so overwhelmed with stuff I ended up getting rid of loads then as well. Charity shops for some of it (when they were open) and work for the rest. I took in a load of makeup I'd never used and left it in the women's locker room.

K0OLA1D · 29/05/2024 21:19

SapphireSeptember · 29/05/2024 21:13

Maybe? But I have a lot of hobbies and stuff and I like my house tidy! It's not always clean, sometimes I leave the washing up for days until I have a burst of energy and blitz it, but I couldn't live in absolute squalor either. But it's also only me who lives here, so it doesn't get very messy. I've had to train myself to be tidy though.

My ex-in laws house, however, was pretty bad. I'd say similar intelligence/interests level to me, but they hoarded stuff. Kitchen was full of out of date food, stairs covered in dust. I have a tendency to keep stuff I don't really need, so make an effort to have a clear out every now and again. I lived there for a while and bought my own vacuum cleaner so I could keep my room tidy. When I moved out I decluttered and I've moved twice since then and got rid of stuff every time. Sometimes regret what I've got rid of, but there we go. 🤷🏻‍♀️ And towards the end of 2020 before I moved out of that place (in 2022) I ended up feeling so overwhelmed with stuff I ended up getting rid of loads then as well. Charity shops for some of it (when they were open) and work for the rest. I took in a load of makeup I'd never used and left it in the women's locker room.

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My house is clean, tidy and organised (well organised is stretching it, you take your life in your hands opening draws or cupboards) but it's full of books and in fact national geographics, bits and bobs, but they all have their place.

We do also have a TV in most rooms, including a 65 inch one in the living room... that was not my choice... though unless the kids are gaming they are rarely on.

I think although I'm not educated to university level, I am quite intelligent. DP too, but in a very different way to me. I'm bookish, he's take it all apart and see how it works. The kids are a mix.

Ghosttofu99 · 29/05/2024 21:35

If she specifically invited you knowing full well the state the place is in it could be a cry for help. Bereavement, depression, controlling relationships… Id try to gently find out what is up rather than bash her for the situation. You said yourself it wasn’t like that a few years back.

ChristmasCwtch · 29/05/2024 21:35

Sympathies OP. Well done for extricating yourself!!

One of my best friends has several cats and dogs. Beautiful, big house. It really isn’t clean. Amazing cook, fantastic atmosphere. Heaved when her DH first put all of the near empty dinner plates on the floor for the dogs to lick before putting them in the dishwasher. Love our friends, so we still go there often and I convince myself that the dishwasher kills the germs 🤭🤦🏼‍♀️

Hotttchoc · 29/05/2024 21:40

Oh gosh OP well done for getting out!

Hotttchoc · 29/05/2024 21:41

She must not realise - if she did surely she wouldn't have invited you to stay!

ShadesofPoachedSmoke · 29/05/2024 21:45

paristotokyo · 29/05/2024 14:31

Ah I hope your friend isn't on here Blush

I hope she is, and it gives her a wake up call to sort the house for their kids.

Sadza · 29/05/2024 21:56

AmandaHoldensLips · 29/05/2024 10:29

To preserve her feelings, you might say you have a cat allergy...

This. Bad allergy. Travel lodge.

JacketPotatoFoodOfTheGods · 29/05/2024 21:59

You can't call social services because someone is a messy person!
Glad you got out op.
It does seem a bit mean posting on here.

sp1ders · 29/05/2024 22:00

I wonder if there's a name for the living in squalor disorder. A lot of people seem to be living like this.

Grammarnut · 29/05/2024 22:08

Janedoe82 · 29/05/2024 15:03

what? the duty is to the children- not her!!!

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I disagree. The duty is to the OP's friend, who may even have invited the OP to get this help. If the children were being neglected their school would have noticed by now - they would, I used to teach and obvious neglect (poor lunches provided, lack of clean clothes etc) was always picked up. OP's friend needs help. She is the OP's priority. For all we know SHE is being abused by her DH. No-one seems to have considered this possibility.

Janedoe82 · 29/05/2024 22:13

Grammarnut · 29/05/2024 22:08

I disagree. The duty is to the OP's friend, who may even have invited the OP to get this help. If the children were being neglected their school would have noticed by now - they would, I used to teach and obvious neglect (poor lunches provided, lack of clean clothes etc) was always picked up. OP's friend needs help. She is the OP's priority. For all we know SHE is being abused by her DH. No-one seems to have considered this possibility.

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You are extremely naïve if you think the school always picks up on neglect!!! If they did we would have to have serious case reviews a lot of the time.
and legally- the protection of the child ALWAYS trumps everything else.

Janedoe82 · 29/05/2024 22:15

You also only are mentioning obvious signs of neglect. I have been in immaculate houses where the child has toys and food but the kids are suffering from chronic emotional neglect.

good96 · 29/05/2024 22:15

Sounds like they need Kim and Aggie.
All seriousness though. I wouldn’t stop there. I would have booked a premier inn and sucked up the cost.