Staying at a friends house - it’s filthy

[Wellthisisshitty]

We are driving across the country for a short trip and a friend who I’ve not seen in a few years asked if we’d like to come and stay to break up the journey there. Her husband is away for work for a few days, mine is at home working so it was a no brainer.

We used to live in the same area, both moved away a few years ago so I jumped at it. Thought it would be lovely to spend the day/night with her and her children, all same age as mine, older two went to school together when they were small.

We arrived an hour ago and I could cry. It’s like something out of those hoarders programs and it honestly smells like something has died in here. The smell hit me as soon as she opened the door and it got worse as I headed to the kitchen/bathroom. The sofas are encrusted with food/first and covered with clothes, food, toys. Flies everywhere, cat shit overflowing litter trays.

Shes given me and my toddler her room for the night, just put our bags up there and you can’t even walk to the bed. Shit all over the bed and the floor and god, the smell. Bathrooms are piled high. my other children are supposed to be sleeping in her children’s rooms but again, piled high.

I feel awful saying this, but I don’t know if I can stay here. She said she would cook, but I am standing in her kitchen and there is just mould on everything. I’m sticking taking us all out to a carvery on my credit card as a thank you, I can’t eat here.

I don’t care if I sound awful by the way. It’s not just a bit of dirt and mess.

At last, some sense

For the love of God, select “See all” on the OP’s posts when a thread is this long. It’s not rocket science 😂😂.

Also, love all the “ooh meanie for posting” and then “Is this near Peckham?” “Name beginning with an A?” 🙄

And, THERE WASN'T ACTUAL SHIT ON THE BED. It was covered in mess/rubbish/crap etc

Enjoy your time away OP.

Why not be honest and empathetic with her, since she’s your friend and all?

You: So, DF, how are you doing really?
Her: Oh I’m fine, you know.
You: Are you, I thought the house was in a bit of a state and wondered if you were coping. I really noticed the litter trays. Maybe you don’t see it when you live there.
Her: What do you mean/ I’m fine/ oh it’s a bit messy haha (etc)
You: U were always a bit messy, but that house is something else. Really, are you ok?
Her: …

It might be a hard convo but as a friend it’s one you should have. Don’t just make excuses and run.

(There is just a slight possibility she is simply a filthy bitch in which case you can leave with a clear conscience and one less friend!)

social care absolutely would be interested in hearing about this case as it doesn't just sound like it's a bit dirty it seems to be quite bad and usually really poor home conditions are a sign of something g else underlying such as mental health issues or substance misuse which would also be a risk to children.

I would say you have a dust mite allergy and it’s being triggered. When I visit houses that aren’t cleaned/vacuumed regularly it really affects me. You’re making your excuses without directly saying the dirt and mess is responsible but it’s implied.

Sorry just saw you’ve already left. That’s great news, hope you’ve recovered from that ordeal!

I think whether or not you can tolerate clutter and dirt depends partly on upbringing and also partly maybe on whether you are introvert/extrovert in the sense that if you are introvert you are more prone to overstimulation and so feel calmer in clear spaces. Being brought up in chaos might mean you crave living the opposite as adults.

Also might depend on anxiety levels - everything clean and in its place making you feel more in control.

Kids brought up in dirty environments are supposed to have stronger immune systems incidently. I am not advocating it - just commenting! My parents were mad hippies and my brothers and sisters and I all have strong immune systems as kids, none of us had allergies or asthma, never got sick much. I was over protective when my dc was younger, on the other hand, and they had asthma and allergies!

They are unlikely to be removed, but a plan and support will be put in place to deal with the situation.

Maybe look up the hoarding scale photos online and share them with her? Offer to help get on top of things if she wants. I will say with cat trays that they can be fine for days then suddenly tip over into stink and need to be completely emptied immediately. Even with one for each cat and one extra, and emptying and scrubbing them every week, I sometimes will walk in and smell them. Fortunately I have a great sense of smell - but maybe if I worked around lots of body fluids I would be desensitized?

I was thinking of this too! My MIL used to tell me off for over cleaning baby things , sterilising baby plates etc .

This is interesting with regard to the fact she is medically trained.

Nope. It really isn’t. It is a complete lack of understanding of child protection and the impact of neglect and a complete naïvety about good enough parenting.

Agghhh this reminds me of a horrible experience I had in my 20s. I had booked a weekend abroad to visit some friends I hadn't seen for ages and asked one such friend if I could stay with her to save on a hotel. Her house was utterly filthy, she had a new bf who was from a gypsy family and I found a USED CONDOM in the bed of the spare room they had put me up in. Clearly she hadn't even put down clean sheets. I was so repulsed I haven't spoken to her to this day.

I’d like to think a doctor would be smart enough not to read the daily mail website 😂

… or mumsnet with all the bragging housewives!

Op as regards the smell, are you sure it isn’t just damp? The way you described the house it sounded as though it could be quite big and old. Even national trust properties that are curated fastidiously are sometimes quite whiffy. The litter trays sound foul, but apart from that, provided there are not dead things about or actual fecal matter or urine I can’t really understand why it would smell. Hoovering etc doesnt stop a house smelling.

Sorry but Id be out of there sounds gross! Iv got 6 cats and wash litter trays out everyday also scopping when i need to and hovering everyday, just cause you have pets your house dont need to smell of them. To be honest Id be concerend about the children there too as pet faeces can cause blindness in children if left everywhere and not cleaned not to mention mould which is alsso dangerous.

Why is it relevant he was from a “gypsy” family?

If the litter trays are overflowing with shit. I can 100% guarantee the cats are going elsewhere as well.

😳😳😳

I don't think you understand child protection or the impact of neglect or causes of trauma very well yourself, janedoe82.

Would you use the trainspotting toilet? I wouldn't!

I absolutely do. And living in home conditions such as this is neglect- if the police were to see it they may even be charged. And I say that from experience.

It’s congenital toxoplasmosis that causes blindness in children. Pregnant women need to be very careful ( extremely in fact); but unless they have aids or cancer or otherwise severely weakened immune system, healthy children aren’t too affected. Many countries ( won’t list as I’ll offend someone) that we think of as very developed actually have lots in their meat and get ill as children but tend not to have the cases of congenital as the mother is effectively immunised.

Grab your bags put them in the car, pack everyone in the car and eat out.

Whilst out book into a hotel.

Your friend and her DH have mental ill health and need help.

You don't need to be a martyr and stay there.

Good luck to all of you x

Text your husband, tell him to phone with an emergency, apologise and leave.
If she finds out its probably not a bad thing, would save her asking you again.
Probably too late now!