Staying at a friends house - it’s filthy

[Wellthisisshitty]

We are driving across the country for a short trip and a friend who I’ve not seen in a few years asked if we’d like to come and stay to break up the journey there. Her husband is away for work for a few days, mine is at home working so it was a no brainer.

We used to live in the same area, both moved away a few years ago so I jumped at it. Thought it would be lovely to spend the day/night with her and her children, all same age as mine, older two went to school together when they were small.

We arrived an hour ago and I could cry. It’s like something out of those hoarders programs and it honestly smells like something has died in here. The smell hit me as soon as she opened the door and it got worse as I headed to the kitchen/bathroom. The sofas are encrusted with food/first and covered with clothes, food, toys. Flies everywhere, cat shit overflowing litter trays.

Shes given me and my toddler her room for the night, just put our bags up there and you can’t even walk to the bed. Shit all over the bed and the floor and god, the smell. Bathrooms are piled high. my other children are supposed to be sleeping in her children’s rooms but again, piled high.

I feel awful saying this, but I don’t know if I can stay here. She said she would cook, but I am standing in her kitchen and there is just mould on everything. I’m sticking taking us all out to a carvery on my credit card as a thank you, I can’t eat here.

I don’t care if I sound awful by the way. It’s not just a bit of dirt and mess.

I think you're very brave for getting yourself out of the situation.

I wonder if she knows the real reason you're not staying.

Strange that she's aware enough to make an effort in her and her DC's appearance when they go out. But equally, I'm sure she's not alone doing this.

I remember a progamme years ago about a woman who was an excellent cleaner, but her own house was a disgusting shit hole (literally).

Be honest.

Thank you so much for your kind hospitality but we can't stay here. Maybe you don't see it as you live here and see it every day but there is an unacceptable level of poor hygiene in your state of living.

I'm limited to helping you sort it out but I'm here for you to give you moral support and help you find much needed help in maintaining your home.

We are leaving after the meal out.

I would have to report this to SS if I was in your position.

@ManilowBarry perhaps try to come across less formal and less like a solicitor 😂

I know!!! My point is no one is immune from neglecting their children.

No excuse needed. Just get out, your not going to see her again anyway.
How disgusting. Not your problem.

They're mid twenties and they're fine :)

This. Approach with compassion- fgs don’t bloody report to ss…she’s clearly struggling and she’s an old friend. I’d give her a wake up call & chance to sort this out with support. Like you say she was never like this before sounds like life has gotten on top of her. But absolutely needs addressing for her kids sake and her own. Be direct but kind and supportive.

If it is really that bad it can't be good for her kids, sounds like she needs professional help and support.

definitely agree on calling social services. sounds like she could be struggling mentally if her house is in that condition.

Actually it’s interesting because I have always kind of felt there is a link but the opposite - and the comments on this thread would support that too.

I think the link is that tidiness tends to be indicative of lower intelligence.

All the houses I know with loads of stuff in them - instruments, National Geographic magazines, memorabilia from travels, stacks of music scores etc and, of course books- tend to be lived in by highly intelligent types . By contrast the very orderly ( sometimes almost empty) homes that have the necessities - usually a big tv, maybe an ornament or two to do the “job” of ornament, perhaps a dutifully watered pot plant - but otherwise very little clutter tend to be very ordinary types intellectually.

I think the normal assumption is that less education equals less interests, so oh was stuff pertaining to interests, so less clutter which I guess is true up to a point. But I even wonder if it isn’t something deeper still, to do with how much complexity the brain is wired to manage comfortably. Maybe some people just need things kept clean and simple.

What is then interesting along those sorts of lines is the number of comments on this thread that medical types can have actually dirty - as opposed to cluttered- homes. I think doctors, dentists and nurses have all been mentioned in particular. I find myself wondering if it isn’t a heightened kind of mental immunity to germs given they have to work in such proximity to them. I am slightly germ phobic. I know that I am and I work to keep myself chilled out. But in truth my nervousness stems from fear and the fear in turn from ignorance. I don’t understand disease at a deep level ( never liked sciencey things ) and I wonder if it’s a similar kind of need for simplicity. Germs equal can be bad, equals spray some dettol cleaner . But maybe their familiarity gives them a fuller understanding . I mean people are talking about toxoplasmosis which is hugely concerning for pregnant women. But actually in many countries most people are immune because they had it when young.

We do have a couple of mutual friends who I know see her far more often. I might have a chat with them. I know one stayed with her for a weekend fairly recently going by Facebook posts.

Anyway, in the hotel now, with two chilled out children and one very, very overexcited toddler.

The fact that in their 20s and living like this shows they aren’t fine- they think it is normal.

What did you tell her in the end?

My brother lived like this, in the bathroom there was a clear bit where he walked from the toilet to the bath. The floor was black with dust except for the 'pathway', he never cleaned or hoovered.

you could smell the damp. He was also a massive hoarder, even kept empty boxes. We tried to intervene on many occasions to no avail.

He met his now wife and all of a sudden he learnt what the hoover was for.

OP good that you left. You don’t have to put up with other people’s squalor and risk to yours or your DCs health just to save them from embarrassment.

Your friend is obviously not embarrassed though or she wouldn’t have invited you to stay. She’d have insisted on meeting outside somewhere and made an excuse about not having room etc.

It’s kind of ironic that doctors can make safeguarding referrals for other parents that may not be coping through illness or mental health! The DC in that house probably smell to other people, can’t have friends around and may well be being bullied for it.

I think I’d text her when DC settled for the night tonight, along the lines of ‘I really would have liked to spend more time with you today but actually we left due to the state of your house. I am extremely worried about how you are living and think it must be pretty hard on the kids. I have no wish to shame or embarrass you and only want to be supportive. Can you please call me when you’re ready to talk about it please xx’

If she doesn’t respond, I’d probably call the NSPCC for advice.

If it’s as bad as the OP says, with animal faeces and unsanitary conditions, then I couldn’t in all conscience just leave children to live in that state. You can’t unknow what you know OP and children need someone to advocate for them if their parents can’t/won’t.

The trauma of social services and then being removed and what follows is likely to be far, far, far worse than the mess and dirt and smell at home. I speak from experience. OP should send an email setting out what was a shock to her and saying what social services would think. Not report, for goodness sake.

Does anyone remember Kim and Aggy from ‘How Clean is your House’??

I smiled at your post! Very tidy might also mean they have a regular cleaner who hides clutter though!

I tend to agree. I think it would be very interfering. Op says the friend was out sliding and playing with the children, giving them loving input . Perhaps her education has given her the confidence to know what matters more, and to understand which germs are a problem. Op herself said the children were beautifully turned out and don’t smell, so the posts claiming otherwise are overreaching. Personally I’d be inclined to mention the house to her gently, but I certainly wouldn’t be up-pending their different lifestyle by getting authorities involved. Who knows, maybe children are better served by happy involved parents than worn out uptight ones with a kitchen worktop that has been wiped 24 times that afternoon.

I loved them @Thursdaygirl , learnt a lot of useful stuff from them but the houses they cleaned were grim. I particularly remember the four young professionals who'd never noticed the mouse poo in their grill pan, lovely

These children will not be removed because their home is dirty. The parents may get a wake up call if SS visits and tells them they need to make sure their home is sanitary though.

They can likely afford a cleaner, hire a skip, house clearance team or a storage unit to clear stuff out unlike a lot of struggling low income parents in a similar position. Therapy too if it’s a MH issue. Someone needs to make it clear, it needs to be addressed though.

I could have easily slid into this. Busy single mum professional, can’t cope with cleaning. But that well-paid professional job gives me enough “fun money” to spend some of it each week getting the house magicked clean again by a cleaner.

If they are likely to be able to afford it, suggest it. They will have to start with an expensive deep clean, then someone will come each week and keep on top of it. It’s been life changing for me: instead of constant stress and sliding more and more behind everything essential on the weekly list is done so all I need to cope with is daily washing up.

Also I don’t have pets, partly for this reason…

I had a goodfriend who lived like this. Another friend and I cleaned half her house (all we could stomach, think dead mice in the kid's bedrooms) when she went to the Caribbean, and she was furious. Wealthy husband left her over the state of the house. As my DC neared the top of primary, I had to stop visiting; they were too vocal about the stench. She didn't even work there was no excuse

I like a tidy house, I have a degree, love reading (only keep those books I think are worth keeping others go to charity so someone else can enjoy them). I have a few knick knacks about but very minimal and the ones I do have have sentimental meaning/are from my travels. I have the odd newspaper if I've kept it for some reason (one has my Grandmother's obituary in it, the other is from the Brexit vote result).

I can't stand clutter, my parents still had all our children's books up until last year (we are all in our 30s and 40s), my ex used to hang on to boxes just in case but never needed or used them again.

I hate the thought of having every inch of the walls covered in pictures, or every free bit of side has something on it. It makes cleaning such a faff.

My Mum is an ex nurse/retired manager of a nursing home and does not see dirt or dust or germs. It winds my Dad up something rotten. So I think you may be right about them not noticing as they're immune to it.