Staying at a friends house - it’s filthy

[Wellthisisshitty]

We are driving across the country for a short trip and a friend who I’ve not seen in a few years asked if we’d like to come and stay to break up the journey there. Her husband is away for work for a few days, mine is at home working so it was a no brainer.

We used to live in the same area, both moved away a few years ago so I jumped at it. Thought it would be lovely to spend the day/night with her and her children, all same age as mine, older two went to school together when they were small.

We arrived an hour ago and I could cry. It’s like something out of those hoarders programs and it honestly smells like something has died in here. The smell hit me as soon as she opened the door and it got worse as I headed to the kitchen/bathroom. The sofas are encrusted with food/first and covered with clothes, food, toys. Flies everywhere, cat shit overflowing litter trays.

Shes given me and my toddler her room for the night, just put our bags up there and you can’t even walk to the bed. Shit all over the bed and the floor and god, the smell. Bathrooms are piled high. my other children are supposed to be sleeping in her children’s rooms but again, piled high.

I feel awful saying this, but I don’t know if I can stay here. She said she would cook, but I am standing in her kitchen and there is just mould on everything. I’m sticking taking us all out to a carvery on my credit card as a thank you, I can’t eat here.

I don’t care if I sound awful by the way. It’s not just a bit of dirt and mess.

Not everyone in the world is on mumsnet.
Not everyone reads the daily mail.

You post anything, that’s the risk you take.

We are in regular contact. We speak on the phone maybe once a month but we text maybe every few days. We just don’t see each other because she doesn’t drive and I haven’t had the cash to drive to see her. An hour and a half isn’t the ends of the earth, but it takes planing when people are working, kids have activities etc.

shes a 15 min detour off the motorway from where we were going, so it was a good opportunity to see her.

And as for sending dh a photo - who wouldn’t? He asked if it was so bad that I was considering coming home over text, so I sent him a photo. Hardly the crime of the century.

Someone asked how long her husband has been away. Since yesterday. So yes, he lives like that too. He’s only away a couple of nights a week.

The idea that social services wouldn’t do anything is nonsense. The children wouldn’t necessarily be removed but they would act.

Id book a room at the nearest premier inn/travelodge and stay there.

I'd go with this. No way could I or dc stay there.

Sorry I had not read you have cats. I do think your excuse was a good one. And you are right you cannot stop a toddler commenting innocently. The more you try to stop it the more they go on.

I would say something. I’d just ask what happened

Do you actually mean crap on the floor? Or just stuff?

OP has cats herself.

It is sorted now anyway

@Calliopespa she meant stuff, she has already said that

Plead cat allergy/sudden illness and book into a hotel.

Bleugh.🤢

Sounds like she just can't manage and her DH isn't pulling his weight domestically. You'd think they could afford a cleaner though.

Of course it’s relevant. If she was a young vulnerable adult with a lack of education or learning difficulties you could perhaps understand why her cleanliness wouldn’t be up to scratch. A doctor (more than an accountant / estate agent / IT consultant or any other profession) would realise the risks of having cat shit and flies in the kitchen.

Id brazen it out, id say ' mate, i love you to bits but your house is a bloody health hazard. Im sorry to be awkward. I still love you but im booking a Travelodge.

Other option could be to say that youve decided that youre going to carry on with the journey after dinner. Will stop off for lunch on the way back.

We have friends who are also professionals and have a lovely house in London but it's dirty. Wouldn't stay there and actively worry about getting sick if we eat there. Lovely people, grim house.

I had almost the exact same situation but there were no kids in the house. And I was so shocked and upset I did the same thing, sent a photo to DH, who said yes this is really serious.

I was honest with them and gently said the place was in a really, really bad state and I couldn't stay there. I went to a hotel. They were a bit shocked to start with but not annoyed with me. They knew they had a serious problem if they were being honest with themselves. They did get some kind of therapy or counselling but I don't know how effective it was.

When I say couldn't stay there, I mean you could barely sit on the sofabed and there were old plates and cups with mouldy food and drink on it and around it. You had to pick your way through heaps of stuff to get through the house. The bath wasn't accessible and you couldn't shut the bathroom door.

It's really terrible that in your case @Wellthisisshitty there are children involved. I'm glad you're going to broach this with her later.

I'm appalled to see that so many MNers go straight for the allergy lie to avoid difficult conversations. It must fall flat a lot of the time anyway when it becomes clear you don't have an allergy at all. Or when the kids say "no you don't mum, what about the cats at home!"

She may not have changed her bed either, everyone lives differently but I couldn't stay if a place was really dirty.

Oh god what a crap situation to be in. I stayed at a friends house one night as a teen and it was the same. In the bathroom there were about 100 cigarette butts stood up on the window sill with an inch of ash on them. My friends younger sister, around 2 at the time, actually went missing in the house, we spent ages looking for her and she’d fallen asleep under a pile of washing.

i honestly don’t know what I’d do as it really hard not to offend .

Just tell the truth about the filth, she needs to hear

This is so sad. Your poor friend obviously isn't coping very well. I wouldn't have confronted her either unless your extremely close

Oh my OP one of the dirtiest houses I’ve never been in was two doctors too! Luckily only invited for a party but I felt soooo uncomfortable. Hopefully it’s not the same
people hahahah!

TheCaringHormoneHasGone · Today 14:37
OMG I know a couple of people like this.

The worst one is our friend and his new wife. When he was married to wife no. 1 the place was immaculate and nicely furnished. Then when he remarried he invited us over. I got to know his new wife before they married on nights out. She is probably the best dressed, most polished person I have ever met. Beautiful designer/ high street mix clothes, gorgeous hair and makeup, designer bag and nails done. I am talking uber groomed.

We went round to their house and I walked in. Loads of shit on the floor, newspapers piled high, boxes everywhere. I asked if they had just moved, apparently not, been there years. Sat on the sofa, got a snickers wrapper stuck to my arse, brown stained cups. I went to the bathroom and there was crap all over the floor, laundry spewing out of the basket with knickers with sanitary pads all over the floor. Then I washed my hands in the stained sink, dried my hands on a bit of rag and admired the Chanel nail varnishes and lipsticks and the Tom Ford perfume on show.

Not blaming her, he can clean too, but the place was minging.

Oh dear, I don't think most people on here would like my house. I don't have cats but I have a small puppy who has to be watched like a hawk as soon as he wakes up! I have piles of boxes in the kitchen, either to recycle or to use as basis for open fires. When my late DH was around unless I cleaned the sink in his bathroom (which I did not use) no-one did and I had to remember to do it if people were coming round. Currently, one bedroom is still full of Christmas decorations as my DH died just after Christmas and I cannot face them. Washing up tends to pile up in the sink until I empty the dishwasher (dead time e.g. when cooking). I do not leave knickers with liners/towels around but my dressing-room has a (neat) pile of washing to do, and my late DH would clear up his dressing room as and when (when I moaned). Piles of books in the sitting room (late DH moaned about this) and stacked all over the floor in the back bedroom which doubles as a library, because I am going to do an indie publishing sale in a couple of weeks. DD has clean house but she has a cleaner, otherwise less so (has a kitchen because it came with the house - DP tends to cook). DS has clean house because he has a new GF (and cats). DSS has a clean house because he has a DP who is very domestic and brought up 4 DCs. If one is not domestic then housework is mostly a waste of time better spent on something interesting. I wouldn't have mould in the kitchen if I could help it (no bowls of green baked beans thanks!) but I have other things to do; so does my DD (and wfh). But OP's friend appears to be suffering from depression; unemptied cat litter etc are symptoms of such.

You really can’t beat around the bush here, a toddler is not safe in a house with mould and cat shit. You’ll have to make up an excuse - say your neighbour messaged to say your door is open?

dreadfully sad for this person. Short term I'd bail out with an excuse. Give me some thinking time.

All these posts telling OP to have a chat with her friend about it. It won't work and the friend won't want to hear it. Someone in that house (probably the friend if she's happy to invite people over so doesn't see it) most likely has hoarding disorder and there is a squalor hoard in the home. That doesn't get fixed with a bit of a chat and some help to tidy up. If it gets fixed at all it's with years of therapy to tackle the underlying causes. The authorities can sometimes swoop in, remove the hoard and clean the place up depending on circumstances, but that won't stop the hoarding. It's actually likely to make it worse and the place will be back to how it was (or worse) in double quick time.

You could have picked up all manner of infestations from there OP. If you can't sanitise what you were wearing, including shoes and your luggage, because you're on holiday, I'd bin it all and purchase new. It's not worth trying to save the money only to end up with bedbugs or something in your home, that will cost you more to deal with overall. And give yourselves a good scrub in the shower head to toe ASAP.

Then report to social services in case they can help the children who live there.

Oh I thought that was op who said she meant stuff.

This poster was talking about a bathroom and I didn’t see clarification of whether it was actually crap on the floor. I’m guessing if it was near the loo it could have been a misfire?!!