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10 year old DD just told me she's trans

115 replies

JLT3300 · 22/05/2024 20:20

NC for this.

I got a text from my DD earlier saying she needs to talk to me about something when she gets home from school. She said she's felt like this for a while, but wasn't sure how to tell me. But that she's trans or non binary. She said she feels like becoming a boy would solve problems she has with her friends, as in girls are bitchy and boys have it easier. And that she just doesn't feel like she's a girl.

I'm blindsided tbh, I didn't see it coming and I'm not sure how to support her. I told her I'm proud of her for telling me and she's very brave, and I'll support her no matter what and love her very much. She said she doesn't want to dress like a boy or use male pronouns.

Recently she said all her friends are saying they're asexual or gender fluid, so I'm not sure if she's just confused or trying to fit in as she's had issues with friends recently and has made a new group of friends.

Has anyone been through similar?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 22/05/2024 20:26

as in girls are bitchy and boys have it easier

I'd be working through this part. The trick with kids' stuff is to find the issue under the issue. All DD's friends are they/them, changing names, ever-moving sexualities. It's a combination of identity groups (goths and punks in old money), seeing what a shitshow being a woman is, and trauma in a couple of cases.

I'd work through DD's perception of girls as bitchy. That's come from somewhere and it's really damaging and misogynist. And work through what parts of being a boy seem easier. I played DD the reel about a researcher who read out findings from a boys' study about they felt angry and like they couldn't express themselves. So sad and explains why being a boy is just another box.

And that moves us to the point. Girls are great, boys are great. They can dress how they like, act how they want, like who and what they like. Boxes are shit. Choose no box.

Secretarirat · 22/05/2024 20:27

I did as a child. I’m autistic and felt like I was not really a girl from age 6ish up until I was pregnant at 24.

Transitioning wasn’t a thing then (thank god) so I was able to adjust to understanding that the problem was me growing up and feeling uncomfortable as a non-conforming girl, and not that I actually felt like I should be a boy, as children are encouraged to believe nowadays.

I'd have a look at the Cass Review - it points out that transitioning of any kind is not a benign act, it’s teaching the child that their sex is optional, which, of course, it isn’t.

Distract your dd through this. Be very careful about internet access, try to find out where this has come from. Too many young people have been damaged by transitioning, at an age when they cannot possibly understand the lifelong implications to their health, mental and physical, their fertility, their future sex life, and their lifespan.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/05/2024 20:29

www.instagram.com/reel/C3VJRvWMHF2/?igsh=MXJzYmNocDZiYmc5aQ==

Boys don't have it easy, just different.

YouKnowYoureGood · 22/05/2024 20:30

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DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 22/05/2024 20:32

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Why does she need mental health support because she's got herself a bit confused and has internalised some nonsense that she's been told by friends? She doesn't actually think she's a boy, she just thinks life might be better if she was one. She needs support to unpick why she thinks that, not a doctor.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/05/2024 20:33

Also, sorry, look at your family scripts about gender roles. Do you do all the shitwork? Does DP or DH express himself? Do you talk about the future in ways that pigeonhole her (when you get married...)? Do you have varied, interesting differences? Have you tried to introduce her to coo women role models?

So many girls look at womanhood and it's a bit shit, frankly.

menopausalmare · 22/05/2024 20:33

Tell her she's female and help her work through her friendship issues as a female.
Also find out where she's getting her trans information from.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/05/2024 20:35

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/05/2024 20:33

Also, sorry, look at your family scripts about gender roles. Do you do all the shitwork? Does DP or DH express himself? Do you talk about the future in ways that pigeonhole her (when you get married...)? Do you have varied, interesting differences? Have you tried to introduce her to coo women role models?

So many girls look at womanhood and it's a bit shit, frankly.

Cool, obviously.

We used to talk about female spies, pilots, revolutionaries, Vikings, queens, inventors as well as women in more stereotyped roles.

But I also have had an exciting life. Womanhood needs to look fun.

Bumblebeeinatree · 22/05/2024 20:38

I would have liked to be a boy at that age, I know it's not pc but she will almost certainly grow out of it. Having been through that myself I would say I thought that too (my friends were all boys and I wanted to be like them (and like my older brother)), but eventually I found out it's really nice to be a girl too. Let's talk about it when you are a bit older.

Edit: I felt all the girls hated me, which maybe they did! Actually never did get on very well with girls, but the relationships with boys changed to attraction so AOK.

RogersOrganismicProcess · 22/05/2024 20:38

“It sounds like friendships with other girls have felt complicated for you, [cuddles DC] tell me more.”

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 22/05/2024 20:42

Boxes are shit. Choose no box.

///

Wise words, like this Grin

JLT3300 · 22/05/2024 20:46

If I'm honest, I feel it's been rammed down her throat and I don't believe this is truly what she wants. But she was very emotional so I feel like it's really got to her. I kept it all short and offered support, I'm just going to see if it blows over. I was going to call the school but I don't suppose they have any control over what the kids talk about. DD knows what trans means but she doesn't talk about it like she has done today, and talking about gender fluid and asexual I feel like she doesn't actually know what it means and she's being lead to believe it's cool and trendy.

It made me feel very unsettled if I'm honest, I obviously love and support her if it is genuine but it's so out of the blue I'm in shock

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 22/05/2024 20:49

Your 10 year old daughter said girls are bitchy?

takemeawayagain · 22/05/2024 20:50

She said she doesn't want to dress like a boy or use male pronouns so what part of boyhood does she want exactly? It sounds like she just sees being a boy as easier as she's struggling with friendships with girls. That doesn't make her trans - and non binary is meaningless nonsense.

I would tell her no one 'feels' like a girl or a boy, they just are girls or boys. Some girls are tom boys, some boys are very feminine, everybody's different. Finding friendships with girls difficult is not unusual when you're a teen so I'd ask her for some examples and talk through how she could handle them.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/05/2024 20:52

I obviously love and support her if it is genuine

No. You love and support her regardless of any of this. The support she needs is really unlikely to be WRT something you say she doesn't fully understand. It's more general.

Do you build in lots of time for her to share troubles and stresses? The best for us are cooking, driving, bedtime, anything we do side-by-side like lego, puzzles etc. Worries just pour out of her.

toomanytonotice · 22/05/2024 20:54

arethereanyleftatall · 22/05/2024 20:49

Your 10 year old daughter said girls are bitchy?

Oh come on, if I had a pound for every time I’ve heard someone spouting the stereotypes about girls being bitchy and boys being easy, I’d be a millionaire.

it’s no surprise kids pick up on this shit.

tell her if girls are being bitchy it’s because they are allowed to get away with that behaviour by parents who think girls are bitchy. She needs to find nice friends, male or femal.

takemeawayagain · 22/05/2024 20:55

JLT3300 · 22/05/2024 20:46

If I'm honest, I feel it's been rammed down her throat and I don't believe this is truly what she wants. But she was very emotional so I feel like it's really got to her. I kept it all short and offered support, I'm just going to see if it blows over. I was going to call the school but I don't suppose they have any control over what the kids talk about. DD knows what trans means but she doesn't talk about it like she has done today, and talking about gender fluid and asexual I feel like she doesn't actually know what it means and she's being lead to believe it's cool and trendy.

It made me feel very unsettled if I'm honest, I obviously love and support her if it is genuine but it's so out of the blue I'm in shock

Don't assume she doesn't know what gender fluid and asexual mean. My mum told me that i didn't know what lesbian meant when I was 10 and i definitely did!. Tell her it's normal to wonder about your sexuality and as she gets older she'll have more idea about who she is. That it's fine for girls to dress like boys or enjoy the things traditionally liked by boys or find boys easier to get on with. Tell her also that she doesn't have to overthink it! She has plenty of time to work it all out.

ilovebagpuss · 22/05/2024 20:55

I don't have any personal experience but you sound like you are doing the right thing.
Love and support and just see what happens over time.
I said to my DD's not to label themselves just to go with the flow and if the feel they may be Gay/Bi/non binary as they get older they can explore that.
I would tend to push gently to wait and see how they feel by 16 say (obvious this may be different with a very unhappy child) but support so they don't feel you are for or against any option. Just explain they will change a lot over the next few years and this is their time to see what makes them happiest.

Alwaysalwayscold · 22/05/2024 20:57

You need to pull her out of that school.

Why has your 10 year old got a phone at school? What sites does she have access to?

Your child is being brainwashed and you need to act now before she escalates to asking to take drugs to cause irreversible damage and chop off parts of her body.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/05/2024 20:58

I think asexual is sometimes used by girls as a defence against the flood of sexualisation they are confronted with. It's easy now. It's the 2024 version of 'it's not you it's me'.

DD has been over the course of the last 3 years; lesbian, bi, straight, asexual and pan. And as far as I know <touches wood> never kissed anyone. The response to all of them is, "mummy doesn't care as long as everyone is healthy and consenting. I'm sure anyone you bring home will be lovely.".

Circumferences · 22/05/2024 21:02

Saying you're trans is really extremely trendy for tweens right now, it's a huge attention-gainer too.
I'd be asking myself why she's looking to this attention seeking, and what is going on in her social group.

Ilovelurchers · 22/05/2024 21:02

Well, she's correct that sadly boys/men do still have it easier, certainly globally, but also in our society it's still true in lots of ways.

So her response of wanting to flee her gender is rational, from that perspective and I think should be treated as such.

However, she can't. (Nor am I suggesting I would want females to become males even if they could - I am simply saying I understand why some would wish it might be possible, given the power of the patriarchy globally).

So in your position I would talk to her about ways that brave feminists fight discrimination against women, have achieved great steps in this so far, and what more can be done.

About all the wonderful, bold women who have made a difference in the world despite the odds being stacked against them etc.

You will find lots of great age-appropriate resources for this on-line I am sure if you look.

My own daughter, only a little older, seems very surrounded by all of this ideology - it's very popular at this age among certain subsets of kids. Tho she is clear she herself is a young woman. (Whether a straight one or a bi one she's yet to decide, she says, which seems pretty valid to me and is of course an entirely different issue).

I try to listen to the genuine, potentially transformational (excuse my language - I mean transforming the world) rage that is behind much of what she says - her anger at what she knows about the way women (and other groups) have been marginalised, objectified and abused across history. And then try to help her work out how that can be chanelled constructively for good in the world, rather than turned inwards in a futile desire to escape or even eradicate ones own identity.

Toodleoodleooh · 22/05/2024 21:03

She’s not trans, she’s a 10 year old girl who doesn’t feel that she fits in with her friends and sees the boys having more straightforward friendships and therefore assumes it would be easier to be a boy. I would absolutely not be going along with this, i would be explaining to her it’s ok to not conform and to have her own interests and be friends with boys but that doesn’t make her a boy. I would also seek to get her some counselling to help her work through this and understand she can’t change sex

I say this as a mother who has a child who could easily have gone down this route but thank goodness it wasn’t a thing when she was in primary. She’s a feminine lesbian who gets on brilliantly with boys, hasn’t got time for some of the girl drama but also has female straight and gay friends

therejustbarely · 22/05/2024 21:04

Get your child off social media and supervise her phone use much more closely. Even better, no smartphone whatsoever.

She's 10. This should be easy for you to get a grip on before she's in too deep.

User14March · 22/05/2024 21:05

Are others non binary/trans at her school?