10 year old DD just told me she's trans

[JLT3300]

NC for this.

I got a text from my DD earlier saying she needs to talk to me about something when she gets home from school. She said she's felt like this for a while, but wasn't sure how to tell me. But that she's trans or non binary. She said she feels like becoming a boy would solve problems she has with her friends, as in girls are bitchy and boys have it easier. And that she just doesn't feel like she's a girl.

I'm blindsided tbh, I didn't see it coming and I'm not sure how to support her. I told her I'm proud of her for telling me and she's very brave, and I'll support her no matter what and love her very much. She said she doesn't want to dress like a boy or use male pronouns.

Recently she said all her friends are saying they're asexual or gender fluid, so I'm not sure if she's just confused or trying to fit in as she's had issues with friends recently and has made a new group of friends.

Has anyone been through similar?

My DD did this about the same age. I think it's a lot to do with their bodies developing before their brains mature... I think it's just this decade's version of being a tomboy, which most girls did growing up when I was that age.

I was supportive in that I used the desired name and pronouns, and validated that it was possible that she would still feel this way as an adult, but also realistic that I personally am gender critical and don't believe that trans people can actually be a different sex. Aged 14, she has been happy in her body for the last couple of years and all her trans/lesbian mates are now happily straight and female. But whatever you do don't tell her it's a stage, her Dad did that and it really soured their relationship.

Get your child off social media and supervise her phone use much more closely. Even better, no smartphone whatsoever. She's 10. This should be easy for you to get a grip on before she's in too deep

Exactly this.

She's 10 and has a phone and access to the internet. That's the problem. Take it off her, she's a little girl and the phone is propelling her into a world she can't make sense of.

10 year old don't need to know about gender fluidity and sexuality. How would a 10 year old know they are a sexual?
It's ridiculous.
Just tell her firmly she is not a boy

OP there's quite a strong and vocal anti trans community on Mumsnet. Not sure if this is the best forum for balanced advice? It sounds like you've already done the right thing showing your daughter that she's loved and supported x

Can you find some activities where she gets to interact with different kinds of women and girls. DD goes to the outdoor pursuits centre and does all kinds of physical activity away from computers and phones with female staff members, they kayak, climb, do bushcraft etc

She also goes to an art club at the weekend with a female instructor where she learns about all art mediums and get to build sculptures or do screen printing.

Give her time away from op social media, the internet and the 19 yr old girls at school.

Years ago girls of 10 that wanted to be boys were called “tomboys”. I was one of them. Thank god nobody told me I could actually be a boy - god knows what might have happened if I were 10 year old me now. It was a phase, of course, and I carried on to be a fully fledged girl/female/woman/mother etc. It’s the latest “thing” and I would just nod along and that is as far as I would go with this.

I was exactly the same. If it had been as much of a thing back then I would definitely have said I was trans.

I actually think one of the biggest reasons that I am GC is that a lot of girls I hear speak about their feelings really really scream (often undiagnosed) autistic girl to me.

I would firstly tell her she is growing and developing - emotions / feelings change a lot at this age .

Tell her she doesn’t need to label thinks .

i would be then working on female empowerment . There are lots of great books on the internet .

If you consider personality disorders are not diagnosed till adulthood because they are not fully developed .

i also think we give this so much more attention than years ago because it would have just been told you are a girl that’s that ..

I agree. This happened to my daughter. She has just been diagnosed asd hut the damage is done and she's been manipulated into thinking she is a boy, when she just feels discomfort and doesn't deal with change well.

She also said girls are "bitchy". Also "hysterical and over the top".

She is actually a lesbian too.

This child is not trans. Not a signal person is being transphobic. Feel free to report any posts you feel are... We'll see what gets deleted.

She is just a little girl who struggling with friendship groups, of pre teen girls who have early puberty hormones kicking in, which causes a whole bunch of drama at this, exacerbated by access to Snapchat/WhatsApp/Social media, a she sees boys friendships as "easier" - because she's looking at them from an outside POV, not realising buys have similar and very different issues, that she wouldn't like either..

OPs child not a trans child. She's a hormonal, preteen girls who is frankly, a bit sad (as in blue/upset) and needs her mum to help her navigate through the tumultuous time of life, where girls are hitting puberty at younger ages than ever before and struggle with it, because their emotional maturity isn't quite in line with their physical maturity.

She's not on any social media, she has a basic brick phone that can only call and text, just to call me on her way back from school.

I was happy she'd made a new group of friends as she'd been unhappy with her old group for a while, too many hormones running around and none of them getting on. But she had mentioned a few things that had me concerned, about self harm and suicide and now about gender and sexuality. I spoke to her about it and she told me one of the girls in the group writes in her notebook about wanting to die, and nobody understands, and that she's bisexual and has encouraged a few other of the girls into the same. So DD is now apparently trans/non binary, one girls asexual, another is pan sexual etc.

I'll bring it up again with her tomorrow, as I say, I believe she's just confused and trying to fit in with the new friendship group without really understanding. She is a tomboy, she's never been girly and neither have I.

You need to report the talks of self harm and notebook of the child to the school safeguarding lead.

There's a very unhappy child in the mix somewhere.

Any responsible parent would inform their 10 year old that it is impossible to change sex, that stereotypes are harmful and then the would take away her access to the internet!

Support her understanding of why she feels this way and talk it through, but obviously don’t support the delusion that she’s a boy. She’s way too young to know what it really means.

I think I'd say 'I don't disagree darling, boys do have it easier, why don't you be the one to make that change? I'm afraid you're a girl though, every cell of your body is female and that can't be changed. Where have you heard otherwise?'

And like others, I'd be keeping a much closer eye on where she's getting this from, and possibly contact the school ti check they're up to date on the info for schools Ie that they shouldn't be telling kids this stuff any more.

Oh goodness op, after your update, what can you do to get her away from that group?

So I can completely relate to your DD. I thought girls were bitchy and rubbish and preferred being one of the boys.

Probably down to looking up to my older brother & thinking everything he did was the best, as well as being personally very uncool & uninterested in a lot of girl stuff.

That feeling of not being a real girl lingered until my 30s and evaporated completely during my pregnancy. I woke up quite frankly & realised just how much mysogyny I'd internalised.

I'd recommend your 10 year old find nice female friends that she can relate to / has a lot of common ground with as one way forward to give her a sense of belonging.

100% this, and we need to be pushing this to our daughters. 10 year olds are not trans and nobody should be encouraging them to think that they are. It is ok to say no, you aren’t

I faced the same when my DD was that age.

I said it’s great you are thinking about your gender identity and sexuality, this is a sign of maturity and growing up. I said, however this is a process of self discovery that takes most people years and years to figure out. Some figure it out sooner than others. Some know from a very young age, others don’t realise until they are 50. The main thing to remember I told her, is you don’t have to decide anything now, or even in the next ten years- yes that is right double your life lived so far.

Explore it yourself. Think. Learn the different terms and try out different labels to see if any fit. If it doesn’t, discard it and move on.

Don’t ever feel pressure to stay trans or nonbinary or asexual or any of that because you said you felt you were at one time to me or friends or anyone.

We are all works in progress and as you discover yourself you will find more and more certainty as to who you are.

A lot of kids feel pressure to decide I am a gender queer lesbian or I am a nonbinary asexual and then stick to it and conform. My idea was to say these are just language to describe a person, and you are still becoming the person you are meant to be. Take your time, no hurry, changing your mind is not only allowed but expected between age 10 and 20.

I wouldn’t take her to a doctor like mentioned before. That could escalate it and make it seem like it’s something to solidify. You also can’t guarantee that the doctor would be sensible about this topic if you don’t know them. I’ve heard stories from other parents who did this expecting the doctor to back them up but to their surprise they didn’t. My surgery when registering had a whole section on pronouns and identity.

Does she have access to social media on a computer if not her phone?

There’s a podcast called Gender: a wider lens, which you might find helpful. It’s presented by 2 therapists. One of the presenters has also written a book called “when kids say they’re trans”.

Your daughter sounds frightened and confused and in need of a safe loving family where she can talk about all of this but also just be a child. It’s good that she felt she could talk to you.

I’d also look into what her school is teaching about gender.

Her friends, potentially these things can escalate. Do you know the girls families? Mums? Are they outsiders?

I'm in my 40's now but absolutely wanted to be a boy when I was 9-11. I hung around with mainly boys and they always had all of the fun. I was always a bit 'different' but thankfully embraced that and became a bit of a feminist. No one has ever been able to tell me I can't do something because I'm female. As I got to 18 I accepted my femininity a bit more but I've never been a glam girlie girl but I am very happy with who I am. Female, wife, mother.

There is too much pressure to label who we are these days. At age 10 it's normal not to fancy anyone but this has been labelled as asexual. But if a tomboy/quirky style? Oh I'm non binary. My main concern if that the trans issue directly feeds off gender stereotyping which I have always been strongly against.

Wear what you like, do what you want and date whoever you fancy...you still can't change your sex and gender is made up anyway.

OP, saw your update and, as another poster suggested, it is 100% appropriate that you report the self harm and suicidal ideation mentions to the designated safeguarding lead at the school.

Regarding one of the girls being bi-sexual, to me personally I would try not to speak of this in the same terms as the gender-identity stuff.

Sexuality is something it is totally reasonable, in my opinion, for pre-teens and early teens to start considering. I certainly knew I fancied blokes by the time I was 10! Nothing inappropriate happened to me - I just had crushes and romantic fantasies about them - but it WAS an indicative precursor to my fancying blokes in the future, and I was aware of it. Actually turns out I am bisexual and it took me till late teens to accept that fact, for whatever reason.....

But what I am trying to say is, please don't make your daughter feel that being straight, gay or bi is on a par with being non-binary. I know they all get lumped in together with the term LGBTQ+, but I have literally no idea why.

On the other hand, if this child is genuinely "pressuring other girls to be bi" that sounds potentially like a form of child on child sexual abuse (is she pressing them to kiss her or is touching involved for example? Etc?) so again potentially needs reporting.

Sorry, it's a whole awful mess of stuff you are dealing with here.

And I massively don't want to make light of it because it could actually be that some of these issues are really serious here, as I have said above.

But ALSO please be aware that (this sounds awful, and PLEASE understand the spirit in which I say it) talk of self harm and suicide is fashionable and trendy among certain sub-sets of kids - the closest approximation I can give is it's like a "goth" thing a bit, tho they aren't quite like goths as we might know them.

So it may well not be anything kids in your daughter's circle are actually contemplating or doing. Hopefully just a pose. A harmful and concerning one, I agree.

Good luck OP. You sound like a loving and concerned mom, and she is lucky to have you on her side.