10 year old DD just told me she's trans

[JLT3300]

NC for this.

I got a text from my DD earlier saying she needs to talk to me about something when she gets home from school. She said she's felt like this for a while, but wasn't sure how to tell me. But that she's trans or non binary. She said she feels like becoming a boy would solve problems she has with her friends, as in girls are bitchy and boys have it easier. And that she just doesn't feel like she's a girl.

I'm blindsided tbh, I didn't see it coming and I'm not sure how to support her. I told her I'm proud of her for telling me and she's very brave, and I'll support her no matter what and love her very much. She said she doesn't want to dress like a boy or use male pronouns.

Recently she said all her friends are saying they're asexual or gender fluid, so I'm not sure if she's just confused or trying to fit in as she's had issues with friends recently and has made a new group of friends.

Has anyone been through similar?

No-binary Dd yr10 in girls school - basically it's social suicide to be hetero at the moment, just go with the flow - she'll probably want to change her name too!

It’s not only those who are autistic, either. I am NT but went through a phase of really wanting to be a boy when I was a young teenager. I always hated wearing dresses and loved riding bikes and climbing trees, and when puberty arrived I hated my breasts. I’m so thankful I grew up before transitioning was common, because who knows what road I might have gone down. As it was, I grew out of it and came to love having boobs and dressing up in women’s clothing – although jeans and tees are still my outfit of choice 99% of the time.

I find it very odd that many people seem to take a view that somehow combines two conflicting ideas – that we’re all different and shouldn’t be labelled…but that if people don’t feel they align with ‘male’ or ‘female’ it must be because they’re in the wrong body. (I know there are people for whom that is true, but it doesn’t apply to everyone who isn’t either ‘masculine’ or ‘feminine’.) On the whole, I think there are very few people who tick all the stereotypical ‘male’ or ‘female’ boxes – simply because no two people are the same.

Oh yes, cishet is social death. A bit like being a 'casual' Sharon back in my day.

Do you think it’s a girls school thing? I hear about if much more in girls schools. As I said above, I could def have seen DD going down that route if she had had others doing so. She is at a co-Ed school and there are only one or two kids in the entire school who have come out as trans. I’ve also got a year 9 and their year also don’t appear to have any kids declaring they are trans I don’t think any have even come out as bi or gay yet.

My gut reaction was where is your 10yo (I assume year 5?) child getting all her information from?

Why does she have a phone? Has she used the words trans / non binary? How does she even know what they mean.

You can be kind and compassionate and supportive, without actively encouraging this to go any further.

She is unhappy and she thinks "changing" her sex will fix this unhappiness. It won't.

She's not on any social media at all, for this reason, I don't want her accessing things she isn't mature enough to understand. I did decide to contact the school re the girl saying she wants to die, it just slipped my mind and I'll contact school today.

Thank you all for your replies, it's really helped getting other peoples opinions as this isn't something I ever thought she'd come out with and I'm more concerned she seems very confused and unsettled about what is being discussed in her friendship group.

The fact she's said she doesn't want to present as a boy and doesn't want male pronouns suggests to me she's not actually sure what she's saying, I feel like she's been pressured into it to fit in and be accepted by the new friendship group. I'm glad she felt able to tell me though, I'd hate for her to be carrying all this alone but I am worried for her

She has a friendship problem, not a gender problem.

I had this same conversation with my dd when she was 11. Now 14. We sat and had a long conversation about why she was feeling this way . Asked her to explain to me what the terms meant or she thought they meant and so on.
It basically came down to the fact she likes computer games,sports,clothing that is considered for boys , hates make up and pink. All the stuff that shouldn't be labelled boys or girls. But obviously is still alot.
After talking a lot and me explaining that when I was a kid you were just called a tomboy but didn't actually mean you wanted to be a boy.
Really she just felt like she didn't fit in. But she has found her own path and the confidence to embrace who she is .
Saying that a huge number off kids in her school are trans . Whole groups of kids together .
Which in the long term seems unrealistic.
One mum friend of mine fully embraced the situation when her 12 year old told her. She posted all over social media about it. Insisted they would cut people out of their lives if they didn't use the correct pronouns and such .
2 years later her kids changed her mind.
They fully cut contact with one set of grandparents over it .

@Starlight7080 That’s so sad about it costing a child their relationship with their grandparents. It’s good that your friend’s child was able to change their mind. I imagine you get some children who ironically feel trapped in their new identity with such a parent and especially if it’s cost relationships and such drama.

I think you’ve handled it really well!

She needs to know she is loved and supportive.

I have noticed a trend with teens, where the parents who don’t act supportive almost push the kids into rebelling and doing it more.

Hopefully the fact you’ve taken it so well, will help it blow over.

For now, I would speak to her about stereotypes and what it is that she can do as a boy that she can’t do as a girl.
Then when she gives you examples (eg like football) then you can encourage her to join and show her that girls can do it too.

I think you handled this perfectly tbh, and it can be a series of very low-intensity conversations can't it. Because there's no way anything permanent can happen until she's old enough to decide herself anyway.

I think that questioning their own gender is the new way adolescents process the difficulty of being adolescent. It's a shame everyone has to struggle to identify THEMSELVES instead of realising that we're all made weaker by slavishly sticking to gender norms, but hey-ho that's how they are now. Being a pre-teen and a teen always was difficult and you have approached it in a very unconditionally loving way, which is all you can do really.

I know you say that she has no social media accounts, but please block access to tumblr from your home internet. That place is poison for young people who are questioning things like this. It had a major part in convincing my DS he was trans. Turns out that he’s bisexual - he thought he was gay and was confused as to why he liked girls also, people told him it was because he was trans!
Luckily he is thriving and living a very happy life as we had a great counsellor at GIDS who didn’t immediately shove him down the transition route, which was a rarity at GIDS.

I was convinced that I wanted to be a boy when I was younger and then I thought I might have been a lesbian.

Questioning your gender/sexuality etc and wondering where you fit in in the world is normal in kids.

We have an issue in today’s society because too many people tell you that if you feel like this or that then it must mean you were born in the wrong body.

When you are young, if people are telling you things like this then you tend to believe them and start convincing yourself.

Carry on being supportive and loving but in a couple of weeks if she’s still feeling the same then start gently challenging the stereotypes.

I'd go with the explanation that gender is made up nonsense, and that when it comes to gender we are ALL non-binary - why should be limit ourselves to stereotypes? Your biology is set and unchangeable so you had better comes to term with it. However we don't let our biology determine our behaviour.

>Do you think it’s a girls school thing

I've only got experience of girls school so I don't know - I just see it as a variant on 'not conforming together'
As an old guy I confess to being bewildered by the huge emotional swings associated with girls' friendships. When she joined the school the headmistress welcome speech asked us not to stress about girl friendships - "Boys just thump each other then play football together, don't try to understand what is happening with girls - or women for that matter - it doesn't get better! "

I haven’t read much but I don’t need to, this is ridiculous and someone has obviously been talking to her or influencing her either inrl or online and she needs to be distracted from it

It was only over them forgetting not to say she. They are 70 plus and it sounded to me like they had tried but would occasionally get it wrong.
Her child's having an awful time at school and rebels against everything at the moment. So constantly being excluded.
Being school age seems so much harder nowadays.

I think all you can do is love and support her and give her a balanced view of womanhood. TBH I suspect it will all sort itself out. My DD (12) has a lovely group of friends, but I think the majority of them have a label. We discuss it in a rational manner, she knows my views (I don't care who people fancy/love/want to dress as - however I believe that you cannot change sex.) but she also knows she will be loved and respected no matter what. I think her group are quite feminist too which is nice - they are doing a presentation for an assembly on none straight women (mind block - can't remember if there is a blanket term!!) through history.

Very unlikely she is trans.

Before the bizarre 'trans/non-binary ideology' of the last decade or so, millions of DC felt uncomfortable in their skin, had issues related to being uncomfortable around their sex pre and post puberty.

What didn't happen, was any kind of idea from adults or other DC that that meant they were trans.

I think you've handled it well. I don't think I'd be making a big deal out of it for now while she's still so young. Just make sure she knows she can talk to you about this stuff anytime.
Maybe get her some age appropriate books about puberty/growing up/sexuality and gender identity.
I would be concerned about what she is hearing from the other girls though, writing about wanting to die is worrying, also 10 is very young to be talking about being bi/pansexual.
Make sure you're not enforcing any gender stereotypes on her for example does she think being a boy is better because they can wear better clothes and like better stuff? None of that means she's trans it might just mean that she prefers more stereotypical boy things and not be into wearing girly dresses.

Fucking hell. I wouldn't have my girl near that idiot with so much internalised misogyny.

The boys at DD's school are already threatening people, throwing chairs, getting excluded and generally expressing themselves very poorly. Maybe all that male simplicity is actually suppressing normal human emotions that girls are allowed to show. Maybe the fact that male anger and violence ruins the entire world is a small sign that maybe women do emotion better, not worse.

I cannot stand the 'women are bitches' 'bitches be crazy' bullshit. It's a harmful lie.

Who is mentioning this stuff to her? My 10 year old wouldn’t have a clue about half of these terms.

Tell her she's a girl(which she is) and that life is hard sometimes. Try and help her with her issues within her friendship group. Please don't enable her by referring to her as trans. It will only fuck her up in the long run

Totally agree

@JLT3300 Watch de- transition videos
So many young people desperately regret surgical and hormonal changes

Be a Tomboy!

I was!

i desperately wanted to be a boy - so much I peed through a loo roll tube once, aged 8

Happy to be female now-