10 year old DD just told me she's trans

[JLT3300]

NC for this.

I got a text from my DD earlier saying she needs to talk to me about something when she gets home from school. She said she's felt like this for a while, but wasn't sure how to tell me. But that she's trans or non binary. She said she feels like becoming a boy would solve problems she has with her friends, as in girls are bitchy and boys have it easier. And that she just doesn't feel like she's a girl.

I'm blindsided tbh, I didn't see it coming and I'm not sure how to support her. I told her I'm proud of her for telling me and she's very brave, and I'll support her no matter what and love her very much. She said she doesn't want to dress like a boy or use male pronouns.

Recently she said all her friends are saying they're asexual or gender fluid, so I'm not sure if she's just confused or trying to fit in as she's had issues with friends recently and has made a new group of friends.

Has anyone been through similar?

It's really difficult being a 10 year old girl. I remember dd finding it so hard at that stage. The girls are maturing are different rates and it can leave friendships lost and some struggling to fit in. I would just gloss over the trans thing if I am honest and focus on supporting your dd with her friendships. Try and keep communication open with her and give her guidance with navigating the friendships she has and maybe look at expanding her social circle outside of school. When dd was feeling lost at school we joined her up to a local youth group and she met other girls there and having their friendship really her.

I dont know if it is a thing in the UK but dd also saw the school councillor and it was really great for her. She took what he had to say more seriously than she would me. He taught her about boundaries in friendships, pointed out when her friends weren't respecting hers and how to assert herself. It was really helpful for her at a time when she felt pretty lost amongst among the girls and helped her make sense of what was happening and how she didn't have to be passive in it all. She is 14 now and has a great friendship group and is really confident in navigating all of the drama that goes on.

Explain to her that other people's lives often look far nicer form the outside. But boys have friendship problems too. They can get bullied and it can get physical. Boys aren't nicer than girls and life as a boy isn't easier than life as a girl.

Ask what she thinks is difficult about life right now. Most of it (like friendship issues) probably has nothing to do with gender. Discuss addressing these problems and issues anyway, so that they can be resolved, improved or handled regardless of her being a girl.

If there is anything she thinks boys can do that she can't, show her she can. There are no gendered barriers.

'Women are bitches, bitches be crazy' isn't at all what that poster said though.

I went to an all-girls school and my brother to an all-boys. He is 2 years younger.

My brother didn't experience anything like the interpersonal drama that I did. Nor the eating disorder or self-harm by cutting craze that I experienced.

You only have to look at MN on a daily basis and all the 'friend did this, friend did that, is friend a cheeky fucker, friend said this, friend said that, should I end this friendship, is friend jealous?' threads to realise in general, women seem to have more interpersonal drama around friendships than most men do.

Entirely possibly due to social conditioning etc but still, I'm not on any male centric forums but doubt they have a substantial amount of posts bemoaning friends not responding to texts quickly enough, not buying a nice enough gift for birthdays, over-thinking an off-hand comment or similar. Which DOES happen a lot on MN with women discussing their friendships with other women.

Of course she's asexual, she's ten! I'd be more worried if she wasn't.

I'd be doing a lot of chat about stereotypes and explaining that there is no such thing as 'feeling like a boy.' She isn't a boy so cannot know what it feels like to be one. However she feels right now or at any point in her life, that is what being a girl feels like.

Explain that most people her age are confused and exploring who they are and she shouldn't expect to know her true identity this early in life. Gender isn't something you choose, you just are. You don't have to label it.

As for girls being bitchy, a lot of them are! Not all. Its more down to immaturity than gender.

I've always had more male friends than female as they are less two faced. If we disagree, we have it out and get over it. Always preferred male colleagues, doctors, therapists etc. Relationships with men are just easier.

How is any of this "advice" helpful?

OP it sounds as if you've done all the right things. Bottom line - your DD needs to have your love and support.

I remember when DD1 was in Y6 (now late 20s), it seems like the girls were arguing and falling out with each other continually. I suspect some of this is down to puberty and hormones raging.

This is what it’s all come to. Brainwashing by non stop promotion of what is potentially harmful. We’ve all felt excluded by our peers at some point when growing up now it’s seen as “fashionable” to decide to change sex. Poor kid.

Given your second post OP, I'm not surprised she thinks female relationships are hard to cope with - a 10 year old isn't equipped to deal with friends constantly talking about suicide and self harm. Tbh, most adults would find it very upsetting and difficult to cope with.

So she looks at the boys in her class who seem to have much less drama going on. I really think you need to speak to the school about the child talking about killing herself, it's very worrying.

What she feels and how she's expressing it = two very different things.

Her feelings sound normal. It's a confusing time anyway, and she seems to be surrounded by very troubled girls.

The trans crap stuff is extremely attractive, I think, because it seems to offer simple solutions to all the complexities teen and tween girls face.

That's a tough one OP, if she has showed no signs of gender dysmorphia or MH issues until now, then I would think she is just going through a phase. My 10 yr old is just realising about periods, puberty and all the crap life is going to throw at her and not her twin brother. Its a time when I think you realise that life is not as simple as your early childhood version, and as a girl, its not unreasonable to suddenly realise boys have it easier. I had some friends who started to resent girlhood at that age, they cut their hair and dressed like boys and became 'tomboys', thank god in the 80s no one suggested anything otherwise. Just be kind to her and hear her out and hope the phase passes quickly. If it helps, my 10 yr old and her friends became therians a few months ago (they identified as cats) but only at home as they got awful slagging in school. We tried to avoid the eye rolling and reacting we were tempted to do and the phase has passed now, thankfully.

This. Find out what she’s being taught in school. Check what she’s looking at on the internet. Do some digging where her friends are concerned. I wouldn’t want my child hanging around with anyone describing themselves as asexual.

In short, put a stop to this absolute nonsense asap.

I think it's her age, hormones running riot and a need to fit in and feel accepted. It hit her really hard when her friendship group parted ways, as they'd been very close since nursery and grown up together, but classes were mixed in year 5 and people have changed so I think she feels this need to be accepted by the new group as she doesn't want to lose friends again.

Never shown any signs of being confused about gender, never expressed and desire to be a boy nor has she had any MH issues. She's been a bit withdrawn recently, we've just had a new baby but I'm making sure I make time to spend quality time with her. So it's possibly a cry for attention? I don't know. She seems ok today, she said she wants to talk to me again later so we will be able to discuss things further. I think there are things she's confused about and wants to get off her chest, possibly going through the motions as I expected at her age. But I don't think it's that she's trans, I feel she's vulnerable at the moment and has been influenced by this girl she's hanging around with

She sounds very confused and like she’s looking for a resolution to a friendship problem. The important bit is that you have enough of a secure and loving relationship for her to be able to talk to you about how she feels. Continue to keep that communication open, do some very very gentle challenging (only through asking thought provoking questions that she might not have thought about) and give her time to unpick her feelings and gain some clarity. With a mum like you she’ll be fine whatever the outcome.

Boys dont have it easy they do when they are kids but as soon as they are adult men well they cant get anything right.
You only have to read MN for that.
Anyway shes just 10 and most 10 year olds come out with all sorts.

I would hope her friends are asexual, age ten.
She needs help and support of course, but she's no more trans than she is a unicorn.

Why would you hope her friends are asexual? That is a really odd thing to say.

Because they're 10! They shouldn't be anythingsexual at that age, they're children fcs.

Are you saying that at 10 you had no idea of your sexual orientation? That you could have just as easily grown up to like men or women? I'm surprised. I was definitely already fancying boys at that point. I vividly remember having a dream where the boy I liked kissed me on the cheek. I knew I was heterosexual.

They certainly shouldn't be DOING anything sexual. But knowing their preferences is fine. I've said this before but Star Wars was when I was single figures and Han Solo was definitely attractive to me. Funny because another poster said the same about Leia at around the same age.

We're continuing the tradition because DD likes a couple of characters from Dune. Maybe we're Sci-Fi-Sexual.

I wanted to be a boy at 10. I didn't really but I didn't like the idea of being a woman and as this was 1970s there were a lot of reasons males had an easier life.

Talk to her about why she feels this way.

Tell her it is OK to be trans / non binary / lesbian / whatever id trendy this week , but also that her body is going through changes and this can change and lots of people do.

Also tell her she will not be getting hormone blockers, surgery or a binder. This is because if she is trans then she needs to have gone through puberty for surgeons to make changes.

Also talk to her that girls can not become boys. They can change the way they look, their voice, and have surgery but biologically they will always be girls.

I've said this before but Star Wars was when I was single figures and Han Solo was definitely attractive to me. Me too. Although I also wanted to BE Han Solo and fly the Millenium Falcon.

Get her on the autism assessment waiting list and talk through how being a girl is just biological and that anyone can act and think any way and that doesn't make their brain or body wrong.
Sad how ingrained stereotypes have become in this generation.
I'd also make sure school aren't following the jigsaw pshe lessons as they are awful and you may need to unpick the parts about depression being fixed after surgery to "become" the opposite sex etc.

Tell her it is nonsense cooked up by people who want to corrupt society.

Personally I’d support her to build new friendship groups outside of school so that she has a wider range of peers which are not school friends. Are there any clubs she can join? Forest school? Climbing? Sports? Anything she’s interested in.

I've said this before but Star Wars was when I was single figures and Han Solo was definitely attractive to me. Me too. Although I also wanted to BE Han Solo and fly the Millenium Falcon.

Good point. I think I wanted to be Chewie really. Nowadays i could be!

Yes but asexual is a sexual orientation. It’s no different from saying you hope a 10yr old is homosexual or heterosexual or bisexual.

You can’t use it as synonym for not sexually active. That would confuse a 10yr old.