Why is it always the same type of child picked for everything?

[Alittlebitofchaos]

My dd is starting secondary next year. She has been mentioning of late it's always the same kids picked for speaking, debating, acting rolls etc, head girl etc..
She is bright, friendly & always puts herself forward but it's always the chosen few who get selected.
Firstly why do this happen? Secondly how can I help her to develop skills that will help her shine in secondary?
Also if you have one of the lucky kids who is always picked, what extracurriculars /special attributes have they?

Well, for all 4 things you mention, it's the same skill. Speaking up confidently. Maybe this girl is really good at it?!?

There's possibly things she's not good at which she's not picked for.

I think this is really only an issue in primary. The teachers in primary build bonds with different children over the years so look more fondly at specific children.

Where as secondary is a different kettle of fish. Too many clubs and classes for the same set of kids to be chosen all the time. Most of it goes of merit.

My dd was so looking forward to her year 6 play, she didn’t want to be the main character but chose one of the side people. Practiced lines and dance moves at home and gave the audition of her life. Was pretty confident that she would get it or at least another similar role.

The role was given to a girl who started to cry during her audition. Dd was given a non speaking role as a guard 😂

I am going to qualify this by saying that neither of my Dcs are this type of child!

But my older one (aged 14) sometimes gets very jealous of the boy in his class who is picked for everything. I know the child as he has been in the same class as DS1 for now 5 years and he is friendly, cheerful, personable, joins in with everything, intelligent, proactive and is also a kind boy who brings people with him, if you know what I mean. He is very popular and unlike some of the so-called 'popular' girls when I was at school does not seem to be quite nasty or backstabbing. Just a decent person.

He is a standout child, and I suspect that it does blind some teachers to other kids who might be quieter, less talented and less accomplished who try hard. DS1 has social anxiety and a range of SEN going on with him so he's simply not the kind of child that flies high at the moment.

I will also qualify this by saying that the 'perfect girl' when I was at school- talented, beautiful, accomplished, head girl etc- was recently jailed for stealing money from her employer so personally I think being successful (including at school) is more about developing integrity and honesty, and working hard than about being popular and being picked for everything.

I don't think it is this way at our school, the same people seem to be in the plays but not repeatedly in the lead roles as far as I have seen. They also pick plays with large supporting casts which means lots of opportunities to include a big group.

As a pp said, all the roles you list require strong, confident speaking. Out of school drama to work on confidence, speaking and acting?

Speaking, debating, acting, representing the school as head girl, do seem to require similar skill sets.

Secondary schools are generally larger than primaries, so there'll be a bigger pool of kids with those skills to choose from.

Getting picked boosts self confidence
Self confidence helps you get picked

I don't know why but my DD seems to be this child at the moment. She seems to keep getting picked for speaking in assemblies, work shared, lead in the performance, sports teams etc. Its not something actively encourage, I just let her do her thing and I was certainly not the same at school. I think it is because she is well behaved but confident, and maybe just a bit lucky. Hopefully the schools have a way of evening it out, and no other children feel they are losing out

The kidsthat get picked that I know actually put themselves forward for things, I knew at my own school and my own child knows it at theirs

If they are used to putting themselves up for things they will be chosen more

She is bright, friendly & always puts herself forward

yeah... but come on, you're her mum, come on, of course you think she's super wonderful!!

DD went for HG (& was grateful not to get it). HG position came down to her 2 best mates: both were highly experienced & competitive athletes & I think the school reckoned they could take the pressure better than the other candidates. They had documented experience of operating under multi-faceted pressure.

DS is now dating HG (6 years later HG): the pressure on her is huge, too.

So that's a reason that past success breeds more: they think you must be up to it because you've performed previously at that level.

Thanks for all the replies. I'm hoping I can arm her with more skills for secondary!

It also might be a case of which child has good attendance. Not as a reward but in the case of, say, the Christmas play, someone who is going to be in for all the rehearsals and the main performance(s)

I was always picked for public speaking, but it was before microphones were the norm and my voice was clear and reached to the back of the hall. The reason for that was that my mum was very deaf and I’d had years of enunciating clearly and quite loudly without shouting. It was useful as a teacher too.

In ds's primary school one boy and one girl did everything. They are now head boy and girl of the secondary. Ds couldn't care less though.

Dd was always chosen for everything in primary but less so in secondary (in s2) I think it's probably just because she is quite cheery, talkative and amiable kid. although not so amiable at home

At DD’s secondary school it is still very much certain children selected for Drama stuff or outstanding child in every way certificates😂 DD is 13 and gets good reports and mostly excellent results but she is quietly confident and also not very conformist so I think from what she says about one particular child they never wear jewellery, their skirt is very long, they arrive early for the lesson, they are always putting their hand up, rather than be asked and at secondary many kids don’t want to be seen to be that committed I suppose! Annoying at primary school though.

My DD always gets picked for running for sports day as she is a naturally good runner, she doesn’t practice or do any athletics club at all but she maybe has the figure of a runner but she hates it and doesn’t want to go to sports day.

DD was always picked for things at Primary school, she's eloquent, bright, reliable and has no challenging behaviour. Was Mary, on school council, took visitors around, if they needed a public speaker it was her. She moved to Secondary school and it's the same, she also puts herself forward for things she's interested in and turns up regularly to lunch and after school clubs. She talks to the teachers at these clubs in a smaller groups and gets to know them sharing interests etc which probably helps.

In terms of what extracurriculars she's done in Early years and infants she was into drama, dance and singing, juniors was an outwards bound bushcraft club and competitive swimming, secondary recreational tennis and rugby.

She's also autistic so whilst she excels at school and is the top achiever in all academic subjects (not so much creative) she struggles with the overall school environment as it's busy and loud and comes home exhausted everyday but nobody else sees that side of her.

She has also completely off her own back, designed herself a revision schedule for GCSEs, contacted her teachers to find out the exam board and started learning the content and doesn't even start GCSE work at school until September. She is very driven and enjoys learning and school work and deep diving into topics and that probably shows.

When I was in school I was frequently picked for talking things, like at assemblies or in front of the class because I was good at it. I wasn't afraid to speak Infront of tons of people and spoke clearly and confidently.

I was never picked for acting roles because I just couldn't act in front of people without feeling stupid 🤣

Your son needs to play to his strengths, my confidence in speaking came threw doing class talks etc so that's why I was picked. I always found that the people were picked showed some enthusiasm in those areas. They would never have picked someone shy for the leading role in a play for example.

Being confident and charming etc has to be authentic or it makes other people feel uncomfortable.

Just work on exposure to different environments, reading ( stongly believe that that teaches empathy) a bit of sport and good friendships. That will help her loads, for life.

I was often chosen for roles in senior school and am now a corporate high flier. I never had drama classes etc but did all the above.

Does your DD do Girl Guides/Scouts or something similar to show leadership skills outside of school? Does your DD volunteer for anything in school (something where the teachers don't get to pick someone)? If your DD can show that she has good leadership skills and volunteers and is reliable with that volunteering say in the first year or two of secondary school, then perhaps she will get picked to do stuff by teachers.

I'm sure teachers will have their favourites and keep selecting them but they will only ever get called out on doing that if someone keeps track of who gets selected and how often (so that would be down to your DD to keep an eye on in school and report back to you so that you could do something about it). Sometimes teachers just want something done so they go to someone they know, someone who is reliable and they know can do whatever they need doing without needing training/teaching to do it and don't need to be supervised while doing it. Would your DD be able to do that at the drop of a hat?

This is very common. Teach your kid to cope with it. Some of these 'special' kids are reaching their peak now. I've seen so many rebel/ drop out in later life. Your kids peak is yet to come. Resilience will help no end.

This always happened at my children’s former primary school. Always the same kids. Usually the ones who had the bigger houses and more money.

I was the opposite I hated being picked for things and having speaking parts but was always picked. I remember one Christmas production I was made up to have no speaking lines but because another child hadn’t learnt the line we got swapped and tbf I did learn the lines in a night. I think they picked me because I was quiet and shy as a way to boost confidence.

It's because most teachers want an easier life

The most enduring lessons you can teach your DD are that:

she is enough, just as she is.

she doesn't need the external validation of "being picked" to be successful or happy in life. Happiness and fulfilment come from within.

The people who get picked will keep putting internal pressure on themselves to need to be picked every time. When they don't get picked their disappointment will be great.

Don't set that expectation in the first place, as long as you do your best and be yourself, if you get picked, fantastic, but if you don't, you're good with that too. It isn't a reflection on you or your worth in the world. Even if you never get picked your worth is not less because of that.

Social media has a lot to answer to, that young people constantly feel the need for validation, approval and acceptance, no wonder mental health is at an all-time low!