Why is it always the same type of child picked for everything?

[Alittlebitofchaos]

My dd is starting secondary next year. She has been mentioning of late it's always the same kids picked for speaking, debating, acting rolls etc, head girl etc..
She is bright, friendly & always puts herself forward but it's always the chosen few who get selected.
Firstly why do this happen? Secondly how can I help her to develop skills that will help her shine in secondary?
Also if you have one of the lucky kids who is always picked, what extracurriculars /special attributes have they?

High school is impossible. My daughter was a super sporty all rounder but there are no options for her AT ALL in high school despite it being an outstanding school.

They held netball trials were held in the first couple of weeks in September and she just didn't know so missed it. We asked at patents evening and was told they have the team.jow and thats it. No other options at all.

State high schools offer the absolute bare minimum and it is very depressing.

Does anyone thrive and discover / develop their natural talents in this system?

This. Public speaking and drama really help with clear speaking, expression and confidence. If you can get DD involved, it will help her no end.

My autistic son was the child at primary school who desperately wanted to be picked for something, and never was, despite exemplary behaviour. He found peer social stuff really challenging, so was never picked by his peers for anything. Until y6 when this time it was the teachers, and they chose him as head boy. When he then went on to secondary, he has been awarded public speaking prizes, parts in school plays, readings in assemblies, etc and so much of this was down to him having the confidence to put his hand up and say yes, I'll do it, I'll give it a go. He has been given so many more opportunities in secondary than primary, but I do empathise. It is so, so hard to try and keep them trying When it seems as though they just keep getting knocked back. Sending love to you both.

Oh don’t worry yourself one jot about this nonsense. It’s nearly always the dweeby/irritating/ingratiating kids that get picked.
The ones the other kids like are rarely the same ones the teachers like.

That’s nearly as self-deluding as the ‘they’re just jealous’ thing people tell themselves about people disliking them.

It was an issue in DDs primary. Literally years of the same 4 children in plays and then they didn’t understand the lack of support in year 6 when the Christmas play was at night. We were all bored of it.

DD was picked once because someone was ill and the deputy head rang to make sure I was coming because she was so good. I pointed out I always come. She was great. And still never picked again.

There was also an ongoing issue of naughty kids being picked to ‘boost their confidence’ as well. And nice quiet kids like DD who needed a boost were ignored.

In secondary it seems to be on merit. I have heard one of the 4 who were picked has struggled at secondary, esp not getting parts in plays etc.

@Alittlebitofchaos my younger child is that child in some ways but very much not in others. She was primary head girl, is head of house in her senior, and is the one the teacher calls on if there is something needing done. She is pretty confident but not the super popular kid. She is also incredibly caring and empathetic. She will help anyone if they genuinely need help, and this I think is the thing that gets her further. It's her personality, but she genuinely wants the best for everyone and will help them get it without jealousy. She wants to help every homeless person and will go out of her way to buy fkr the food bank every tike qe are in tbe supermarket. She however is not often picked big parts in plays and or things like that. She is a normal kid and gives me lip and has an attitude but would never miss a piece of homework or be late to class!

Could it be the families that they come from? I remember when I was at primary school (long time ago now!) There was a family who the eldest played for the local football team and became quite the celebrity. Following siblings then got preferential treatment and were always picked for everything and were automatically given the role of captains of teams even if they weren’t great at things. It was the family name that swung it.

I doubt it is a deliberate pattern. Honestly, I don't know which child in my class was Mary in the nativity, who had a staring role in their class assembly three years ago and who has just missed out year after year. I don't know who was the school councillor last year or who's already been a playground leader. Yes, sometimes they tell us.l, and we try our best to take this into account. Teachers are just doing their best to keep it fair, balanced and to pick kids who would do a good job, whilst juggling a whole raft of needs, demands and expectations.

Is your child independent... resilient.... collaborative...? Kind...? That's how we measure success. Not play performances and test scores.

They will always choose kids that have the skills required, so if yr child doesn’t they won’t be chosen.

sounds like yr child lacks the skills required.
Stage coach and those type of groups help kids develop confidence

Ok, so I am both a parent and a teacher. I genuinely think, when it comes to picking parts in the school play, you go for the student who is going to be best in that role - for a large part you need to know that they will be loud, clear and be able to handle the pressure (it's really scary to perform Infront of a big audience so you do need to pick those children who you know will be up to the job and not being too scared to go on. Otherwise it's a disaster) They also need to be able to memorise lines well. I would never pick the same child over and over just because their parent helped out on the PTA. We are also always rooting for those children who may struggle academically or find things difficult if we think they'd get on really well in a play.

My eldest daughter, since reception, has often got lead parts in plays or been put forward for things that involve public speaking. I think she probably was one of those kids that parents perceived was always being picked. She did seem to be popular with the teachers, but in fairness she was always very polite, easy going and well behaved.

She's quiet but confident and has a loud clear voice with really good expression. She's really reliable and puts herself forward for everything and tries really hard. However, when it came to the sports teams she was not bad, but not the best, so would sometimes scrape on the team, sometimes not. As much as I would feel disappointed for her, I did have to accept that they're going to pick the best players if they want to win a match against another team. So, when all the sports was going on we went through a spare where she was hardly picked for anything so I can totally empathise with how it feels when your child never seems to be picked for anything.

Interestingly, she's moved into a new school for Year 6 so I guess the teachers don't really know her very well. They've been auditioning for a musical and she's had her heart set on the lead role - she's quite good at acting but I would say there would certainly be better singers than her. She's absolutely put her all into the auditions and has amazingly, got the lead part. I don't help out on the PTA and the teachers don't know us at all (unlike her old school.) Interestingly though, my younger daughter, who has a beautiful singing voice, didn't even get through the first round of auditions for the talent show. As much as I wanted to say it was favouritism, she can be a bit temperamental and sometimes gets overcome with shyness, so I think this is what happened.

In honesty, I think it's always going to be annoying when one kid always gets picked for things over others. But sadly there usually is a reason.

Why does she need to be picked for things? I was rarely picked for things and I have to say it hasn’t impeded my development or career in the slightest.

• kids whose parents are on the TTA, are friends with teachers and the head
• good looking kids
• confident kids

my eldest never gets picked, she is not very confident. However we did an external drama competition and she came second in her group. again not chosen in the school play. Some of the kids were terrible at acting or remembering lines but just more confident. My youngest is super confident, great memory, voice aloud, she actually won the drama competition over 100 kids. Still not chosen for the drama play, they gave her two lines and the mai characters were given to the siblings of the eldest confident kids. I suggest to do drama externally, something like stagecoach and first they give everyone a good role, second they don’t play these games.

Yes and for us it was the teachers' children in the year (of which there were a few) - one was the Genie one was Aladin in Aladin and then the richest shoutiest parent's daughter was jasmine - genie and aladin were really really bad

My niece is kinda the type to get more than she deserves.
She is a narcissist and my family is full of narcissists.
Only losers and Wannabees actually like narcissists, unfortunately the world is full of pathetic losers and disgusting Wannabees.

I think you should take the opportunity to think how you want her to respond to situations and deal with it now and in the future as an adult. The world is unfair, and she's starting to notice. You could ask to speak to her teacher if you think she is being overlooked or unfairly treated.

The 'favourites' when I was at school, were the sporty kids got all the awards and good grades even though none seem above average intelligence. And the teachers pet/'favourite' was by far the 'narcissist' that's the most polite way to describe her. She was also (overweight, promiscuous, mentally unstable, volatile and abusive,creepy,misogyntic) and the teacher loved her so much she bought her a vintage hat, the rest of us got boiled alive.

My child used to be main character in every play, narrator in year 1 having a whole page of text, where the rest had one line each, the house captain, the best reader, the fastest runner, the best at debates, 100% attendance, great at 11+, piano player, gymnast, trampolinist - you name it. A son of Polish immigrants. I even started believing that he can become an Astronaut at some point. Until he started secondary school… 🤣 he is doing well, but was not good enough to join football team, didn’t get a role in school play, was too shy to play in Christmas concert, didn’t want to continue with piano lessons, didn’t win elections for Form captain… he is happy. Made friends, plays Fortnite and has a new vocab like ‘skibidi toilet Ohio rizz’.

Wow, I’ve never read a more bitter post.

Agree that that's appalling.

When I was at school there was an A and B team for netball, but at state schools there is less and less effort put into sports. No wonder private schools win matches despite having fewer pupils to pick from.

Can she join a club outside school?