Friend subtly undermining me - how to deal?

[Nailedit1111]

NC for this one, as I suspect said friend might be on MN too. But I've been here since Mexican house thief, neighbour patio window-gate, etc.

This is my issue.

Big friendship group, lots of families. One particular friend likes to take charge when we have group outings. Definite bossy Queen Bee vibes. I let her crack on because once she's decided things should be done a certain way there's little point arguing.

When we first met years ago I had MH issues around anxiety and was a people pleaser, much to my detriment. I admit I used to fawn/pander to her, desperate for her approval. Now, older, wiser, mentally more stable and less fucks given, I don't.

What I've noticed, however – and is the point of my post – is that she LOVES to undermine me in company. She makes subtle digs to imply that I'm a mess or a bit thick and makes jokes at my expense. Worse still, she says stuff about my DH as though she knows him better than me. For instance, if I say 'we're planning to go to xx on holiday', she'll pipe up, 'Oh, but Mr NailedIt isn't into that kind of thing'. She also tries to rope him into the jokes.

It's really bloody annoying! The group is meeting in July and this time I want her to stop trying to big herself up at my expense. Not going is not an option – I love the meet ups and our DC would be devastated to miss out. I've also talked to my DH and while he said in the moment he hadn't noticed what she was doing, with hindsight he can see what I mean. He's going to shut her down in future, but how can I deal with it? I don't think she's a malicious person and I do like her a lot – I think her behaviour is her down to her own insecurities and also because previously I had been an easy target. But I'm tired of being a punchline and need strategies to deal with it.

Thanks!

I think I'd develop some passive aggressive responses tbh. You can do it beforehand if her "jokes" are always similar. I think you need to be brave enough to deliver a few in the hope she'll be shocked enough to back off and find an easier target.

So "your DH isn't into that" = little laugh and "how on earth would you know?"

If it's always about your DH, and she doesn't stop after some gentle comments back, I'd be making a joke of her fancying him tbh. Embarrass her back.

“What do you mean?” Is always helpful to get a bit of thinking time and move the onus back to her to justify what she’s said. Others won’t then think she knows more than she does and laugh along obligingly.
Then if she comes back with a patronising “oh I’m just joking don’t be so sensitive” type comment, say oh right sorry you tell me next time because I didn’t get it.

I am sorry, could you repeat that?

I don’t think that is coming across as you meant it to as it is sounding a bit mean

what on earth are you in about, DH is very keen

clearly you don’t know DH too well

all a bit passive aggressive but needed in this situation I think

Tell a couple of your very good friends how you feel so that if your not-friend says these kind of things to you, you have some support. But mostly, avoid sharing anything with her that she might use as ammunition- she clearly doesn't like you, so just find other people in the group to spend your time with.

whenever she says something mean calmly ask her to please repeat it. "please could you repeat that?". I was reading on MN and reddit that it's a great way to highlight passive aggressive behaviour as generally they will get flustered and embarrassed. Or "what do you mean by that?" is another good one.

Yep, what do you mean is good? Not pass agg (which is not as clever as people think) but does put her in the position of repeating what she said.

Worse still, she says stuff about my DH as though she knows him better than me. For instance, if I say 'we're planning to go to xx on holiday', she'll pipe up, 'Oh, but Mr NailedIt isn't into that kind of thing'.

What sort of holiday was it?!

Can’t you say to everything, ‘oh, it was his idea actually!’. That won’t work if he actually would have preferred a different holiday though 😂.

What sort of things does she say to make you seem thick or a bit of a mess? Does nobody else say anything?

I think if people are making jokes at your expense then you can say politely, “I’m sorry but I really don’t understand why that’s funny, would you mind explaining that to me? “

I think if she is making jokes about the OP being ‘thick’ and then she starts saying ‘I don’t understand what’s funny’, this women would probably just roll her eyes and say, ‘don’t worry’ and just laugh. She sounds like she enjoys being a bit of a bitch-I wouldn’t give her further ammunition that you don’t understand things.

I’d get DH or one of your other friends on side.

Be upfront.
”You seem to be making a fun of me and I don’t like that”

Or try the line 'you seem to know a lot about my husband's preferences' and let the comment hang in the air.

I am a little confused why you actually like this woman OP and put up with it? I find it rather strange that you say this when she behaves like this?

Yes. It’s more than a little odd to like someone who puts you down regularly enough for you to come on the internet asking for help with comebacks.why do you like her?

'You making fun of me, Rizz?'

As a kid, I had such respect for Sandy in 'Grease' - calling out the queen bee with a simple, honest question that shone a light on the meanness. So yeah, do that!

Thanks for all the helpful feedback! I'm definitely going to pull on my big girl pants and deploy some of these comments to nip it in the bud. My DH has my back as well and I know he's going to be more alert to it now.

In answer to your question @18761875j, I like her because she can be fun company and we have shared history with our group and our kids. Also, because there's so many of us and we don't meet up often, I am not around her constantly. Small doses, etc. And, as I say, I don't think there's a malicious undertone, it's just thoughtlessness about how she might make me feel. For all I know, she may do it to others – she has other friendship groups where she lives.

@Shinyandnew1 The holiday was somewhere far flung. It wasn't his idea but he is up for it! The comments are just little things like, for example, if we're laying out stuff for a group dinner, she'll single me out and say 'don't let @Nailedit1111 handle the plates, she's bound to drop one' when I've never dropped a plate around her before! Or ask me loudly if I've washed my hands before handling a salad 'because you did spend a lot of time in the loo earlier'. Really petty shit, I know, but after a while and strung together it becomes wearisome. Maybe I'm just over sensitive.

I wouldn’t say so, she sounds ghastly, and quite addicted to the idea that you’re her joke punchbag, clumsy, with dubious bathroom hygiene, liable to drag your unwilling husband all over the world etc.

The dig about washing your hands is extremely unpleasant. What a strange thing to say. Are you absolutely sure you like her? Wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t.

Honestly if someone was making those kind of “jokes” about another friend infront of me I’d think they were a giant dickhead. You wouldn’t have to say a word.

You could just raise an eyebrow and give her a good hard stare.

I mean, it’s a deeply bizarre thing for her to say! Surely everyone who overhears that is thinking ‘What a nutter — is she actual timing everyone’s loo visits and listening for evidence of appropriate hand washing, or is it only @Nailedit1111 who gets the special attention?’

The examples you've given there re plates and handwashing, are so rude OP. What did you say to that? Surely you reacted? A simple outraged 'hey' and raised eyebrows/pointed look at her would get the message across you're on to her.
Does she say this stuff with a smile on her face wanting you to join in 'banter' with her/mutual deridement ?

These are fab. I'd have a handful of thesein your pocket ready to say. If she takes you by surprise and you don't know what to say just give her a confused stare

I did respond to the hand-washing dig. I said 'of course I have' but everyone was tittering, including the kids because, well, they're kids, so I didn't want to make a bigger deal out of it and seem defensive. I think now, having read everyone's comments, I would shut it down more.

@Hecatoncheires I know it sounds a bit barmy, but yes, she's nice and I do mostly like her. We're not close-close but the group is and I'm certainly not sacrificing being a part of that because of this. That's why I posted asking for tactics. As I said, I used to be a fawner and would go along with stuff because of a pathetic need to be liked, but I'm not that person any more and I need to be clearer on that. Because we don't see each other that often I'm not sure she's realised how much stronger I am and so she's still treating me like before.

"Oh do shut up Maureen!"

"Maureen stop talking out of your arse and give your mouth a chance!"

"Maureen, you do come out with utter nonsense, but I do love you!"

"Maureen's off in one again!"

"Here we go, it's Maureen's way or the highway!"

"Aye! Aye! Captain Maureen!"

"Anything you say bossy boots!"

I'm sorry, but I think she is being malicious and it's totally mean girl behaviour bordering on bullying.