Friend subtly undermining me - how to deal?

[Nailedit1111]

NC for this one, as I suspect said friend might be on MN too. But I've been here since Mexican house thief, neighbour patio window-gate, etc.

This is my issue.

Big friendship group, lots of families. One particular friend likes to take charge when we have group outings. Definite bossy Queen Bee vibes. I let her crack on because once she's decided things should be done a certain way there's little point arguing.

When we first met years ago I had MH issues around anxiety and was a people pleaser, much to my detriment. I admit I used to fawn/pander to her, desperate for her approval. Now, older, wiser, mentally more stable and less fucks given, I don't.

What I've noticed, however – and is the point of my post – is that she LOVES to undermine me in company. She makes subtle digs to imply that I'm a mess or a bit thick and makes jokes at my expense. Worse still, she says stuff about my DH as though she knows him better than me. For instance, if I say 'we're planning to go to xx on holiday', she'll pipe up, 'Oh, but Mr NailedIt isn't into that kind of thing'. She also tries to rope him into the jokes.

It's really bloody annoying! The group is meeting in July and this time I want her to stop trying to big herself up at my expense. Not going is not an option – I love the meet ups and our DC would be devastated to miss out. I've also talked to my DH and while he said in the moment he hadn't noticed what she was doing, with hindsight he can see what I mean. He's going to shut her down in future, but how can I deal with it? I don't think she's a malicious person and I do like her a lot – I think her behaviour is her down to her own insecurities and also because previously I had been an easy target. But I'm tired of being a punchline and need strategies to deal with it.

Thanks!

I had one of these, I slowly withdrew contact. Don't miss her.

Watch Jefferson Fisher on how to respond to disrespect. He has loads of other short videos too.
www.instagram.com/reel/C54YkY4sGeo/?igsh=MTBhcGdnMDVpYjg2YQ==

It doesn't sound very subtle tbh. Also, why assume she's not malicious? When people behave maliciously - particularly repeatedly - I just assume they mean it, far safer.

She’s so spiteful

you could text her before and say I hope you are going to be nicer this evening than you were the last time

I had a friend who used to run me down and one day I just stopped replying to her messages and ten years later I still get a random text ‘how are you?’

she literally doesn’t deserve me

Shes malicious

No question

I think I would just say "what a bizarre thing to say. What are you on about?"

@Shinyandnew1 The holiday was somewhere far flung. It wasn't his idea but he is up for it! The comments are just little things like, for example, if we're laying out stuff for a group dinner, she'll single me out and say 'don't let @Nailedit1111 handle the plates, she's bound to drop one' when I've never dropped a plate around her before! Or ask me loudly if I've washed my hands before handling a salad 'because you did spend a lot of time in the loo earlier'. Really petty shit, I know, but after a while and strung together it becomes wearisome. Maybe I'm just over sensitive.

For these sorts of digs OP, go with the 'sorry?' or 'what do you mean?' response to buy yourself time if needed, the best way is to turn it back on her so once she has repeated it, say 'oh no, [cheeky fucker friend name] you're confusing me with you..I never drop plates...spend ages in the toilet...handle food with dirty hands'. If you can remember an unfortunate incident of hers, add it in 'you're the clumsy one remember that time you broke....?'

Respond as little as possible. Definitely do not text, can be shared around and made fun of no matter what you say.

If you have to say something, look a bit blank and say "you do you", another one is the Southern Drawl ,.. Bless your heart!

Fom Reddit ,...
Telling someone "You do you" is basically the same as telling them to go fuck themselves.

I suppose it might be a bit passé now but I have always said “how rude! If you want to soften it a bit you can shrug and laugh to anyone else listening.

Just don’t bottle it up and then explode one day, when there’s an audience. They won’t know the back story and the nasty woman could use it to her advantage.

If you are brave enough take her to one side and ask her what all the snide comments are about and does she have a problem with you? Don’t back down to her though. She has been extremely unpleasant to you.
Good luck.

A friend from a group I meet every so often does this to me. Subtle little digs at my expense. We were on a trip so I laughed them off, glossed over for the sake of a good time for the rest of the group.

She plays tennis, challenged me to singles. I ran her around that court so hard like she was on a piece of string, breathing out of all her orifices at once. Pure joy my side of the court.

Next time we met and she started I just asked when she'd be free for a game of singles?

I would hope I would say something like I know you don't intend to sound malicious but that wasn't a nice comment and I've noticed you making a few of them in my direction.

That’s brilliant!
Made me smile.

With something like the toilet comment, I'd have replied "I was hiding in there from you and your shit jokes".

That's incredibly rude of her. Saying something like "oh god, you're so weird..." with a scathing look might shut her up.

I would not want to be around this woman.

My teen has a great passive aggressive cute put down that I have used
“Oh Felicia, you’re such a silly goose” it’s so patronisingly cute and everyone knows it. Repeat ad nauseum

I had a friend like this. I spoke to her and asked her why she’s trying to make me look stupid and she just brushed it off and said she wouldn’t do it again. She lied. She is no longer my friend. I’d bat it back to her every time. ‘Why would you say something that’s untrue?’ ‘How do you know my dh so well?’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘Can you explain why you think that?’ Embarrass her right back. She is malicious and she doesn’t like you so don’t think that you are being over sensitive. You are not.

The hand washing stuff would irritate the heck out of me.

Yes, Bitchy Friend, I HAVE washed my hands, but thank you so sooooo much as I'm not sure I'd have remembered without your (airquotes) help. Now, instead of standing round flapping your lips, how about you actually help and slice the bread, huh (head tilt, raised eyebrows).

I've had a similar issue and simply told the person that their comments were fast becoming intolerable and I'd like them to stop. In front of everyone. If that means they avoid you for the rest of time, it will be a sacrifice worth making. My bully avoided me. Its fantastic. I'm no longer anticipating mean comments, etc. He simply pretends I don't exist. I repeat. Its fantastic.

I think these are brilliant. If you say them with a smile and a laugh it comes across well but puts her in her place without you being rude.

The issue with being passive aggressive is if you don't hit the right 'token you end up looking worse than her .

Christ, start calling her the toilet police and give her a stopwatch.
And ask her if she's washed her hands every time she goes.

Who can put up with this shit?!

The pas-agg approach is almost always harder to pull off in real life and never leaves me feeling that good about myself. I’d be inclined to let it happen a couple of times when you next meet and then take her aside and explain that she may not realise but she constantly puts you down in public and it isn’t okay. Give her the recent examples if she challenges it and then ask her not to do it again. If she continues, pull her aside and explain that if she continues you will point it out every single time she does it so that she learns to stop. Then do just that “hey X, remember I asked you not to put me down in public, well you’re doing it again, please stop.” No room for her to “misunderstand” and calling it out publicly should put a stop to it pretty quickly.

She sounds like she's jealous of something about you - your relationship maybe or your income or sees something in you that makes her want you to feel more insecure. If you come from that understanding it might be easier for you to stay calm and not feel upset. It's her problem not yours. Agree with pushing back a bit more. I think it's good to state a positive about yourself in your reply even if you do it in a jokey way. 'Husband says I choose the best holidays - life's an adventure with me', I've won awards for my plate juggling skills' etc. say it all cheerfully not in an upset way. I think this will take the wind out of her sails.

I think a quick 'what a strange thing to say' (in a surprised tone of voice) would be a useful response in most of these situations. It could always be followed up with more specific comments.

The hand washing comments would have pissed me right off. I doubt she would do it again but if she does you could always shine the spotlight back on her; ‘who times other adults in the toilet?! That’s a really weird thing to do?’

highlight how weird her behaviour really is

In your position I'd be doing a cat impression and saying " ooh, you're SO catty, Debbie!" if that didn't do it I'd just be straight up telling her to stop being a bitch. Loudly. So everyone hears.

If someone says something rude or unpleasant to me I don't acknowledge it, just look them in the eye, gesture to my mouth and say excuse me you've got something stuck in your teeth. It makes them instantly self conscious and literally recoil into themselves in embarrassment.