Handhold - Returning to work today when baby is 3 weeks old

[NorthernPoet]

Hi all,

It's 3am and I'm sat doing night feeds, and I'm staring at the suit hanging on my wardrobe door so thought I would ask for a handhold, plus any advice or tips you might have!

Long story short, I gave birth to a beautiful little girl 3 weeks ago after a very complicated pregnancy. I was told she wouldn't survive to 12 weeks, then 16 weeks, then 20 weeks etc. I was scanned once a week minimum, had multiple hospital visits and more consultants than you can shake a stick at! She is thriving now which is amazing but this pregnancy was unplanned and I am the sole earner so return to work today as I have no more 90% mat pay left.

I do want to add, I am not wholly irresponsible - this is baby number 4 for our family and we were done after number three (number 3 was born 7 years ago) but due to a medical issue following life threatening surgery, my contraception failed and she surprised us! Whilst I am pro-choice for every mamma, my decision was to go ahead with the pregnancy as that was best for my mental health. I don't want to hear 'you shouldn't have had her' so please keep those comments to yourself... I am besotted with my fighter and she has completed our family in ways I didn't think possible.

I am not ready in any way to return to work... I know my husband is an amazing father and she is in very good hands, but feel awful that I'll be in a suit, sat in an office all day and making chit chat, not sitting with my baby in bed, surrounded by cold cups of tea and empty feeds like most mamma's at this point...

Give me your advice and tips on how to navigate today please and get through without melting down, as well as survive the next few months as a new mamma of four xxx

Are you in the UK OP?

Do you have sick leave you can use? Or more annual leave?

Are your work okay with you being back at work so soon? I'm really struggling to imagine any work place in the UK thinking this is okay.

Bless you, you poor thing.the strength of mothers always amazes me and you are providing for your family.

It's even harder for you because you sound like you would much rather be home. I hope it all goes well for you.

Yes, UK based and sadly no annual leave/sick leave to use (I wish!)

Unfortunately the legal requirement in the UK is that you can't return to work for 14 days after giving birth, so I am already over that. Statutory mat pay is 90% of your wage for 6 weeks and as I was signed off before birth due to ill health, that's gone so I don't have a choice. Work would have had me back a week ago as its a pressurised environment with upcoming contract renewals but I have taken every day I possibly I could off!

I have friends who have given birth recently or are pregnant and planning on taking a year off, becoming stay-at-home-mammas and just feel so jealous right now! I sincerely hope that I start to feel better once I'm back and in a routine of sorts.

Thank you for your support... I am autistic and driven by my sense to provide for my family as a sole earner so hanging onto that thought today! Dad's get a shout out too though, as my husband is a stay-at-home-dad as two of my children are also autistic and require school time pick ups often, but I am unable to drive so its logical he fulfils that role for our family x

OP I cannot imagine how hard this is for you, physically and emotionally.

I don't want to jump to conclusions and you say your husband is great, but why isn't he up doing the night feeds?! You're going to be so tired and that will just make everything harder.

I hope it goes well OP,

It is really tough. It sounds like needs must. I hope you can take comfort in your ability to provide for your wonderful, now unexpectedly grown family, and in your other half being such a good dad. It’ll take some time but with it being No 4 maybe you’ll find you switch back into the world of work/world of baby cuddles routine quite quickly. Wish you good luck for the transition!

Another backing you - this is a tough road but agree with others that Dad needs to do night feeds. End of. I was an EBF but in your situation I would have switched.

I'm sorry, OP, this just can't be right. Call in sick, stay with your baby. And tell your partner to go and get any agency work he can. WTF is wrong with him? You've just given birth, FFS. Your baby needs you, at least for the first few months.

He doesn't get to leave the entire family income to a three-week postpartum mama, just so he can do school picks ups!!

What has he been doing during your pregnancy to plan so that you aren't facing leaving your baby at three weeks old? Why can't he wfh? Work nights? Whatever it takes?

Hi OP, Congrats on your new baby. What else can you do as a family? Is there any work your DH can do to give you more time off? This seems so unfair on you, yes it’s choices but it’s done now. There has to be a way that he can support you all,

You need someone in your camp!

Your husband needs to work

Sorry this is happening must be terrible 3 weeks is nothing ! I would deeply resent my husband for this. Tell him to get a job end of. No excuses. Bloody get out there and get one

Thinking about u OP.

Couldn't your husband work temporarily and you have a longer maternity leave?

Or can your gp sign you off?

I’m so sorry OP, that must be incredibly hard and upsetting for you. I have a 6 week old and I can’t part with him yet, my eldest is 5 and he wasn’t away from me for the first year for more than a couple of hours.

Could you FaceTime your DH throughout the day so you could see your baby? Is there any option to work from home, would your employer allow this? What a stressful time for you. I wouldn’t have been comfortable enough at 3 weeks PP to wear anything but pjs and certainly not go back to work (I was still sore!).

Why do you feel like everything is your responsibility, @NorthernPoet? Your only responsibility right now is to stay with your tiny baby, who has already been through so much, and care for her.

Your DH needs to sort the rest.

Work can deal with their own deadlines and pressures, that is not your responsibility either right now.

He is not an "amazing father". An amazing father doesn't stay at home to do the school run, leaving his tiny baby's mother to go put a suit on and go out to work when her baby is three weeks old. Just no.

How has he convinced you that this is OK, @NorthernPoet?

There you are in your OP asking other women not to condemn you for continuing your pregnancy - why would anyone do that? Are you are used to being criticised?

I think you need to consider other options here OP. 3 weeks is too soon. I understand you feel needs must but there is another adult in the house who can work to provide.
Explore income protection claim on your insurance or see if there's any further compassionate leave you could take or unpaid leave ( maybe some benefits could cover you for the in between period).
I understand you need to be back but no this is not OK. Good luck mama take it easy at work if you can and don't try and power through let them see how vulnerable you are atm they should be more supportive.

He’s not just doing the school run though is he. I’m sure the OPs thought about this herself and she’s clearly stated him being at home is what their family needs / have needed. Obviously this is a shit and horrible situation but I don’t think from what OPs written her husband is being lazy or feckless. It’s clearly not what she feels anyway, so jumping on that bandwagon is silly.

OP you should try and speak with your husband again and see if there’s anything at all different you can do as a family to let you stay at home longer with your baby, sending you hugs 😔

If all else fails OP consider some sick leave- speak to you GP. I can't imagine your healed enough from whatever method of delivery you've had either physically or mentally!

@NorthernPoet it sounds like you lead a tough life. I'm sorry you're having to make those decisions so soon.

I had to return to work when DC2 was 6 weeks old. It’s easy for people to criticise such decisions, but sometimes circumstances make any other choice impossible.
OP, I’m afraid you just have to get on with it. I’d say the first 6 months were probably the worst, but I had an excellent childminder, a DH who worked his socks off and a fairly understanding boss.
‘People don’t always have the luxury of taking a year off.

Hi @NorthernPoet I hope all goes well as can be today. I understand your need to provide for your family is driven by your autism. However, things will have to be adjusted so you can properly recover from the birth. Three weeks isn't really enough recovery time after a normal birth nevermind a complicated one.

Could both of you work p/t to reduce the time commitment & financial burden on you? I'm thinking out of the box here, could you & your dh apply for hybrid &/or remote roles to give you the flexibility.

Is your dh claiming DLA for your children & carers allowance for himself? Are the kids at a mainstream or specialist school. If they're at a specialist school, they might be eligible for school transport.

Can you learn how to drive or is this not possible because of your neurodiversity?

Blimey OP, you are one tough woman. I cannot imagine being up at 3am feeding my 4th DC and staring at the suit I have to put on in a couple of hours.

I'm guessing with your 3 older kids DH is doing a bit more than just school pick ups? Like housework and general life admin?

Simply saying "he needs to find work" doesn't solve the problem of YOU having to work. It sounds like your job is all-or-nothing... so to an extent him earning a bit extra might not change much for you as a family.

Very tricky. Hang in there, I think you're amazing.

You can do this.

Similar to you, I went back to work at 4 weeks after DC3 was born. DH became SAHP to all three DCs. Previous to that I went back at 6 weeks and 3 months respectively with DCs in fulltime childcare.

This is now 24 years ago.

Yes it's hard but honestly it was the best decision for us. DH was in charge of running the household. This meant all shopping, laundry, cleaning and cooking. He saw it as his job and he did it well.

Having one parent at home gave us so many opportunities and freedoms.

DCs are now adults. One married, one getting married this year. We are close as a family.

best wishes OP. This week will be the hardest but you will get into the routine.