Handhold - Returning to work today when baby is 3 weeks old

[NorthernPoet]

Hi all,

It's 3am and I'm sat doing night feeds, and I'm staring at the suit hanging on my wardrobe door so thought I would ask for a handhold, plus any advice or tips you might have!

Long story short, I gave birth to a beautiful little girl 3 weeks ago after a very complicated pregnancy. I was told she wouldn't survive to 12 weeks, then 16 weeks, then 20 weeks etc. I was scanned once a week minimum, had multiple hospital visits and more consultants than you can shake a stick at! She is thriving now which is amazing but this pregnancy was unplanned and I am the sole earner so return to work today as I have no more 90% mat pay left.

I do want to add, I am not wholly irresponsible - this is baby number 4 for our family and we were done after number three (number 3 was born 7 years ago) but due to a medical issue following life threatening surgery, my contraception failed and she surprised us! Whilst I am pro-choice for every mamma, my decision was to go ahead with the pregnancy as that was best for my mental health. I don't want to hear 'you shouldn't have had her' so please keep those comments to yourself... I am besotted with my fighter and she has completed our family in ways I didn't think possible.

I am not ready in any way to return to work... I know my husband is an amazing father and she is in very good hands, but feel awful that I'll be in a suit, sat in an office all day and making chit chat, not sitting with my baby in bed, surrounded by cold cups of tea and empty feeds like most mamma's at this point...

Give me your advice and tips on how to navigate today please and get through without melting down, as well as survive the next few months as a new mamma of four xxx

Yes this

Nobody is forcing OP out the door. I have a huge amount of sympathy for their situation, but it is their choice as a family that she goes back to work, because that is what keeps their household running. As for going on benefits, it does not sound like OP is in minimum wage type role where this would even come close to keeping the bills paid. Nor would SSP, and if they are the type of employer to only give SMP, they are unlikely to have an enhanced package elsewhere.

OP asked for a handhold and advice on how to get through going back so soon, not for their entire family set up to be overhauled. She clearly trusts her H to be able to look after the children.

Nothing could have been changed in time for today anyway.

Fathers haven't had to give birth, don't have to heal from that and don't breastfeed.

Just offering the hand hold that you asked for and hope that all has gone well on your first day back at work.
Also, huge congrats on the birth of your beautiful baby

It sounds really tough but you'll get through. Here's a handhold.

FWIW, I returned to work when my baby was 12 weeks and I was still breastfeeding:
This was totally the norm 30 years ago, I know that's a bit longer mat leave than you have but this was with both of us needing to earn so I had to hand my precious baby over to a childminder. Tbh I'd have chewed off my arm for the luxury of living on one wage and having my dh at home looking after dd.

Once you get into the swing you'll be fine.

True, my DH did.
Amazingly his c-section scar had completely healed over, his breasts weren't leaking milk at random times, his body hadn't drastically changed shape at all in the last nine months, his hair wasn't falling out in clumps when he showered. He hadn't had weeks of post birth bloody discharge.
It's almost as if he hadn't actually been pregnant, given birth and then needed physical recovery time from this.

A bit longer? Try 4 times longer!

@Bigearringsbigsmile yes but my point is that many people nowadays can barely believe that 30 years ago women routinely returned to work after 12 weeks Mat leave - I've seen all sorts of comments on MN like 'I couldn't possibly do that!' 'Impossible if you're breastfeeding!' (it isn't) 'I couldn't leave my baby at 12 weeks old with a childminder', 'at 12 weeks I could barely walk and my body was a mess' 'couldn't get out the front door before midday'
Etc etc etc
..... it will be tough but the OP will manage. At least she won't have to get the baby out to a childminder before going to work as her dh is a SAHP

My heart breaks for you. Noone should need to go back so soon. I only had 4 months off which sounds like a lot compared to your 3 weeks.
Are you physically OK? You said it was a difficult pregnancy. Can you take sick leave? Would you get paid?
Is wfh an option
Can you husband pick up part time hours so you could cut yours?
I have to say, and it prob isn't helpful but I felt resentful towards my husband when I had to go back so soon...I think your husband needs to step up.

Huge difference between 3 and 12 weeks off.

Horrified by what most Employers do? Even those that do give EMP only go to 12 weeks

Is EMP Enhanced Maternity Pay? Many employers in the UK offer enhanced pay for 4-6 months, some for 9 months and very few for the whole 12 months.

Are you entitled to some UC that can tide you over for a few more months?

@NorthernPoet How have your first two days been? Have been thinking of you and sending a hand hold!