Handhold - Returning to work today when baby is 3 weeks old

[NorthernPoet]

Hi all,

It's 3am and I'm sat doing night feeds, and I'm staring at the suit hanging on my wardrobe door so thought I would ask for a handhold, plus any advice or tips you might have!

Long story short, I gave birth to a beautiful little girl 3 weeks ago after a very complicated pregnancy. I was told she wouldn't survive to 12 weeks, then 16 weeks, then 20 weeks etc. I was scanned once a week minimum, had multiple hospital visits and more consultants than you can shake a stick at! She is thriving now which is amazing but this pregnancy was unplanned and I am the sole earner so return to work today as I have no more 90% mat pay left.

I do want to add, I am not wholly irresponsible - this is baby number 4 for our family and we were done after number three (number 3 was born 7 years ago) but due to a medical issue following life threatening surgery, my contraception failed and she surprised us! Whilst I am pro-choice for every mamma, my decision was to go ahead with the pregnancy as that was best for my mental health. I don't want to hear 'you shouldn't have had her' so please keep those comments to yourself... I am besotted with my fighter and she has completed our family in ways I didn't think possible.

I am not ready in any way to return to work... I know my husband is an amazing father and she is in very good hands, but feel awful that I'll be in a suit, sat in an office all day and making chit chat, not sitting with my baby in bed, surrounded by cold cups of tea and empty feeds like most mamma's at this point...

Give me your advice and tips on how to navigate today please and get through without melting down, as well as survive the next few months as a new mamma of four xxx

When I had my DCs 30 years ago maternity pay was for 6 weeks. It was the norm.

As other posters have said, it will be tough but you'll get through it. What I'd advise is to be quite ruthless with yourself at work. Don't take on unnecessary tasks, leave on time, take your breaks, be very kind to yourself. When you are home, don't be tempted to make up for the time you're out of the house - try to relax.

Is there any opportunity to WFH at least one day a week? That would relieve the effort of having to dress up, commute, be sociable when you're so tired that smiling is an effort.

Is flexible working optional? Compressed hours?

Congratulations on your new arrival

@NorthernPoet

I think other people have made good comments so i wont repeat what has been said other than to say that could you have another talk with your DH about how he could work to suppor the family until
baby is a bit bigger?

Also just to send you 💐 - I hope you get through the day ok.

All those saying that DH needs to go to work, do you think they haven't thought it this? There are presumably good reasons why he does not work. There are probably good reasons why the OP doesn't drive too and as for claiming DLA, it's not that simple, in fact it is very complicated, they may not get it, it's not huge sums anyway. School transport isn't that straightforward either, even if you do get it it doesn't allow any flexibility on timings, or help with children needing to be picked up at short notice.

I wish you all the very best @NorthernPoet you are an amazing mum for doing this. In time it will get easier.

I have never come across an employee who offers more than SMP.

OP can you crunch the numbers through entitled to to see if UC can support you and then go part time?

I went back when my 4th was 8 weeks. It was very tough, but doable. I'll never regret it as it set me back on a career path that had been denied me in 2 marriages (80's and 90's).

Best tip I can give is take plenty of breast pads to work with you, and don't stress. You're doing what you need to do for your family and you are fabulous. 💐

@Bjorkdidit - this in spades! The lenses through which we view men/women and their expected roles in society is mind boggling! A man is viewed positively for doing one thing, and a woman negatively for doing the same thing. It needs to stop.

OP, you've got this! You are getting up and providing for your family, doing the right thing for your family, and that is absolutely amazing. You should be proud of yourself and how strong you are. Your children will be proud of you and what an amazingly strong mumma and role model they have!

Take good care of yourself and rest when you can as you are still recovering.

Sending love xx

Oh gosh OP I’m more concerned for you in this than your beautiful baby. It sounds like on number 4 your DH can do the baby stage with his eyes closed. Take care of yourself today. You are getting some visceral reactions from other posters because back to work 3 weeks post delivery just seems so wrong for your mental and physical and emotional well being, I hope it goes well for you and you can adjust back quickly and as others have said your DH will have to start doing the night feeds now unless you are BF.

Really? So why is this poor woman posting on MN in the middle of the night, clearly desperate for support? While he sleeps.

Anyone defending a father who actively plans for this to be the way he and his family get the bills paid has lost their moral compass.

You'll be ok op. Many have done the same and its been ok. I know (not personally, school mum friend of friends type thing) 1 who went back after 2 weeks and 1 after the 6 weeks because they simply had to and they all got through it despite all the gossipy naysayers.

Get through today, you'll all get into a rhythm that works and it'll work out, because it has to!!

I agree with @Bjorkdidit If it was the other way round, the man would probably go back to work after two weeks paternity leave and no one would bat an eyelid, except to insist that he did a fair share of the chores when he came home from work.

OP has presumably, a decent salary, which maintains her family. It works for them for her husband to be the SAHP. If they have two children with additional needs, who may need to be collected from school at short notice and she doesn’t drive, how is that going to work if he doesn’t do it. It’s really no different to being a SAHP as a mother, with the father working outside the home.

OP is confident that he can do the childcare, as he has been anyway. The trickier question is how to manage the emotion of returning to work with a small baby at home.

OP, it’s hard, but you’ll do it and it will get easier as it becomes the norm.

I did very similar when my DD was born 25 years ago. I got through it, because there was no alternative - DH stayed at home with her as I was earning significantly more (and still do). Now she's an adult, she's a strong, independent woman who has a good career and we have a very close relationship. I wish I'd taken up more offers of help from friends - I thought it was all up to me but it seems accepting a lasagne and allowing someone to fold my laundry was not admitting failure. Hang in there, OP and it will get better.

I wish you all the best op, this sounds terribly hard. Honestly, I think you should go off sick for at least a few weeks, you need to look after yourself.

You haven't explained why the situation of you being the sole earner and your earnings being so critical immediately has arisen so I'll reserve judgement on that part and on your husband.

Good luck today, OP. You’ve got this.

Side note, I’m utterly horrified by your employer and hope that they realise that they could step up and do more given your circumstances.

I could weep for you OP. 3 weeks postpartum is nothing....No doubt you've already started your working day as I post this. Can't imagine how you're feeling. Sending love and support to you. 💐x

Sending love OP. Hope today isn’t too hard on you 💐

@Bjorkdidit what a horrible judgemental post.

Are you seriously stating that a SAHD isn't and can't be a good father?

Good grief.

And how does OP do the school runs when she can't drive?

Ah you should be tucked up in bed with your baby xx I completely understand that you feel the need to work to keep the money coming in.I don't really have a lot of advice,but i would contact Universal Credit Survival on Facebook.Maybe you would be entitled to some money that will enable you to stay home for longer.Also contact Money Wellness.They are brilliant are giving advice.

Your dp needs agency work. You need signed off by your gp. Your baby needs you.

Your circumstances are what they are so all you can do is devote the entire time you are not a work to resting and snuggling with your baby and let DH pick up EVERYTHING else including the mental load

Of course not. I'm merely calling out the hypocrisy from those posters who are suggesting that the DH is being lazy because he doesn't work and should get a job, when he already has one, looking after a newborn and their other DC. My post is perfectly clear on that.

OP I'd delete this thread if I were you. You're only going to get piled on, with loads of criticism r.e. your DH.
A woman looking after a baby and 3 children, 2 of whom have SEN would NEVER be told to get an agency job. Not that it would even cover your loss of earnings, if you earn enough to support a family of 6 on a single wage. Most other mothers aren't the higher earners, unlike you.

You're doing great, safe in the knowledge that your baby has the best care possible from your other half. Whenever you feel like giving in , think of who'll feed your hungry children. You're a good mum

Op doesn't have any paid sick leave left (and isn't sick), that's not a particularly helpful suggestion I don't think if she can't afford to be off on SSP only.

Neither is saying employer could do more. Yes they could, but they don't have to (and that on its own doesn't necessarily make them a bad employer either).

Ignore everyone judging OP, they forget it’s a real human who has typed your post and not just a chance to have a go at someone.

It sounds like you’re all doing your best for your family unit, and although it’s tough you’re working through it together. Hope your first day is going well

Your DH needs to get a PT job. Can you go back to work but take one day off each week as a holiday? It must be so hard for you with your hormones screaming at you to be with your newborn.

I'm disgusted at the amount of people criticising the husband. Of course ideally mum should stay home longer (which is why I as a woman try not to be the sole high earner) but the OP and her husband have decided this works best for them.
She already has 3 children so clearly... She knows what she's doing.