Handhold - Returning to work today when baby is 3 weeks old

[NorthernPoet]

Hi all,

It's 3am and I'm sat doing night feeds, and I'm staring at the suit hanging on my wardrobe door so thought I would ask for a handhold, plus any advice or tips you might have!

Long story short, I gave birth to a beautiful little girl 3 weeks ago after a very complicated pregnancy. I was told she wouldn't survive to 12 weeks, then 16 weeks, then 20 weeks etc. I was scanned once a week minimum, had multiple hospital visits and more consultants than you can shake a stick at! She is thriving now which is amazing but this pregnancy was unplanned and I am the sole earner so return to work today as I have no more 90% mat pay left.

I do want to add, I am not wholly irresponsible - this is baby number 4 for our family and we were done after number three (number 3 was born 7 years ago) but due to a medical issue following life threatening surgery, my contraception failed and she surprised us! Whilst I am pro-choice for every mamma, my decision was to go ahead with the pregnancy as that was best for my mental health. I don't want to hear 'you shouldn't have had her' so please keep those comments to yourself... I am besotted with my fighter and she has completed our family in ways I didn't think possible.

I am not ready in any way to return to work... I know my husband is an amazing father and she is in very good hands, but feel awful that I'll be in a suit, sat in an office all day and making chit chat, not sitting with my baby in bed, surrounded by cold cups of tea and empty feeds like most mamma's at this point...

Give me your advice and tips on how to navigate today please and get through without melting down, as well as survive the next few months as a new mamma of four xxx

Agree with the others about your DH. This should have been avoided by him picking up work sooner.

Also for a job to require a suit, it must be quite niche these days. Lawyer? Which makes me think you could be a high ish earner? It's time to cash in any savings and work out a different plan. Going back to work with a newborn ma well destroy you all.

Are you claiming all benefits and DLA etc for kids?

Everything will go well. Your dh is a home looking after the kids. Take care of you as you’ll be still healing from the birth. You are doing the best for your family.

What do you do? Why isn't your employer offering proper maternity pay?

You do know that many employers offer SMP only? It's not rare. And OMP packages vary wildly too, even if they're offered.

For all those criticising the OP's husband, he may not have the earning power of the OP, meaning that it's not as easy as him getting a job which can replace the OP's earnings. Is it ideal right now? No, not really. Is the OP's earnings potential a good thing for the household long term? It would seem so, as that's the informed choice they made before the accidental pregnancy.

Did people miss that OP can't drive so can't do the school run for her autistic children?

Or that she may get mat leave pay but it drops below 90% today so not enough for the family.

Or maybe her husband doesn't have the qualifications and experience to get as well paid a job?

This is what has to work for this family. They will all be fine. OP will find it hard but she will get back into it. DH and baby will be fine - baby will be loved and looked after by its parent.

It may not be how most of us have our families set up but let's try and support OP, not criticise her decisions.

OP

If this is the best option for your family, then so be it. I'm going to assume you have explored options to stay home and that there are none, Your baby will be with her father- safe, cared for, and loved.

Take care

Exactly this.

Many employers only give SMP.

OP is doing what is right for her family.

First of all congratulations 🌺

I went back to work when my 2nd was 3 weeks old. It was nearly 30 years ago when maternity benefits weren’t the same as they are today and we needed the money. Baby was fine and so was I and it all worked it out. Routine helped and bottle feeding.
I think you would be surprised at the number of women who return to work early.

I am sure you will be ok. Good luck.

Get signed off by your GP for stress and forward your sick note on to your employer. You need to rest after giving birth. Especially if you've had a baby in SCBU.

Why can't your husband go to work?

Sending lots of luck and support, you've got this!

I'm not sure you'll get what you want from this thread OP from the replies.

It sounds like OP and her family have worked out what they need to do together (from what she's posted)

Sending good luck and strength

She has already said. Her husband is a SAHD as she has autistic children that often need to be collected from school. Would be difficult to find a job around that.

Shocking to read but some women have much better earnings potential than men!

Who would have thought it?

When DH and I married we had near identical, fairly low, salaries. Within a very few years my salary was double his and continuing to rise. Different industries and different careers meant that when DC3 was born it made sense for DH to be SAHP.

Being SAHP doesn't make a man lesser any more than it does for a woman.

The only thing I would say is that our experience was that there was less support for male returners to work than female.

But more unusual nowadays for what sounds like a fairly niche, high pressured employer to only offer SMP. With talk of contract renewal sounds like she may be a lawyer (could be wrong) and very few law firms only offer SMP these days - I accidentally ended up in one 🤦🏼‍♀️
I don’t really have any advice OP other than maybe get your DH to do the night feeds. If the shoe was on the other foot and he was working whilst you were on mat leave, you’d be expected to do them, so it’s no different. I hope it goes ok x

Just to wish you the best of luck today OP. It will be tough, but you are doing what is best for your family in difficult circumstances.

I hope you have a smooth first day back 💐

I've worked at many law firms with no OMP (or a long qualifying period before you can get it). I was at one with SMP only when I had my kids.

I know many are introducing better policies now, but some need dragging into the modern age!

As much as you don’t want to, you have to do it and that’s that. Even with all these suggestions, it’s too late to implement by this morning. Neither you nor your baby will die. She will be well cared for, which is all that really matters. It will be tough, yes very tough, but the alternative was not having her and you could not do that (understandable). Just push ‘I don’t want to’ out of your mind. Don’t waste time on something you have no power over.
Make sure your contraception is watertight moving forwards and whatever happens, don’t take this out in your DH and other children.
Good luck!

I would go off sick x

Good luck OP, you’ve got this. It’s hard but it is OK and very normal for a baby to spend the day with one parent whilst the other is at work, and then to spend evenings and night with both parents. You’ll miss her and likely be distracted to start with but it will feel more normal after a few days. But she’s lucky to have you both.

As to some of the PPs - you can’t just go off sick, especially if you aren’t sick! How do you pay your bills if you do that! I returned to work at 3 weeks post partum with my first baby and my longest leave ever was six weeks. It’s not done for fun - it’s done because those are the max times available before keeping a roof over our heads and eating was going to become a problem. In fact with my first it was already a big problem and the leave I took over the pregnancy and birth left me in dire financial straits.

best of luck op

Good luck op.

I did something not too different and had to return to work part time when my baby was still in NICU - I swapped shifts sitting with her with her dad. It's hard but it's completely doable - you'll surprise yourself with how strong you are. In a way, work almost refreshes you for time with baby. Also, it's just a few months with night feeds (I also did three hourly pumping at work) and then by about 4/5/6 months you get into a much better rhythm and you'll feel much less tired. Remember, your baby won't remember a thing either.

An employer who isn't offering enhanced maternity benefits to OP is unlikely to offer her enhanced sick leave benefits.

Too many narrow minded posts on this thread.

OP is where she is. I have no doubt she and her DH have worked through the different scenarios and this one is the best for their circumstances.

What OP needs now is a hand hold and reassurance that this will be okay.

@NorthernPoet this will be okay. The first week will be tough but once through it the following weeks will get easier.

Hang on, if the OP was staying at home looking after a newborn and 3 other DC, 2 with SENs while the DH was going to work, she'd 'have the hardest job in the world' while he was opting out of parenting by going to work for an easy life, but because the OP is working she's the one who's hard done by and he's lazing around and should get a job.

All of this. And worded a lot more tactfully than I would have managed.

It will be tiring OP, but you will get through it. First days are always the toughest.