Handhold - Returning to work today when baby is 3 weeks old

[NorthernPoet]

Hi all,

It's 3am and I'm sat doing night feeds, and I'm staring at the suit hanging on my wardrobe door so thought I would ask for a handhold, plus any advice or tips you might have!

Long story short, I gave birth to a beautiful little girl 3 weeks ago after a very complicated pregnancy. I was told she wouldn't survive to 12 weeks, then 16 weeks, then 20 weeks etc. I was scanned once a week minimum, had multiple hospital visits and more consultants than you can shake a stick at! She is thriving now which is amazing but this pregnancy was unplanned and I am the sole earner so return to work today as I have no more 90% mat pay left.

I do want to add, I am not wholly irresponsible - this is baby number 4 for our family and we were done after number three (number 3 was born 7 years ago) but due to a medical issue following life threatening surgery, my contraception failed and she surprised us! Whilst I am pro-choice for every mamma, my decision was to go ahead with the pregnancy as that was best for my mental health. I don't want to hear 'you shouldn't have had her' so please keep those comments to yourself... I am besotted with my fighter and she has completed our family in ways I didn't think possible.

I am not ready in any way to return to work... I know my husband is an amazing father and she is in very good hands, but feel awful that I'll be in a suit, sat in an office all day and making chit chat, not sitting with my baby in bed, surrounded by cold cups of tea and empty feeds like most mamma's at this point...

Give me your advice and tips on how to navigate today please and get through without melting down, as well as survive the next few months as a new mamma of four xxx

That is awful. I hope you are doing OK at work today.

Could you not take even a few weeks on the government maternity pay? I'm in Ireland our employer doesn't have to top up our mat pay at all for any amount of time, and mine won't.

This seems like a huge risk for your mental and physical health OP. I've never met anyone who went back to work so soon. I would consider all possible options to stay at home longer with your baby. Your uterus will not have healed yet, this isn't a role that can be swapped over to a man, as they don't go through pregnancy and birth.

Did you miss the part about the baby being three weeks old, @Bjorkdidit?

To add, as a fellow Mum of autistic DC, speak to the school/LA regarding taxis.

Agreed, and OP was posting asking for support and a hand hold, not opinions on her marriage and family set up. She therefore hasn’t gone into full detail (and why should she have to) on why this works for them.

Yet still people are making snap judgements, and posting “advice” saying her DH needs to get a job etc, when even if that was the best option - and it doesn’t sound like it is at all - it’s a bit late now so a useless comment!

Just sticking the boot in for the sake of it

I went back full time at 6 weeks, 3 months and 4 weeks respectively.

Each time after C section.

I found my mental health improved. I was/am good at my job. DH is a much better housekeeper than me.

Some posters need to wake up. The world is more than their own narrow experience.

• lots of women earn more than men to the point where it is more economically sensible for the woman to go out to work and the man be SAHP
• many employers do not offer flexibility to allow a parent to go part-time without it being a career killer
• many employers do not pay more than SMP or SSP. Just going off sick because returning to work is going to be hard is a sure fire way to find yourself out of a job.

Ouch OP, that's going to be hard but remind yourself that she is with your DH and he loves her very much. Such good news that she is here and healthy and by going to work, you are making sure your family are all safe and looked after.

A poster up thread gave very good advice. Set your boundaries clearly with your employer. You are back at work because of their shitty maternity leave policies and you will be doing your hours, no more until the baby is 3/6/9/12 months old.

Do you want to keep breastfeeding? I'd also put the boot in by passively aggressively asking for a suitable location [not the loo or a broom cupboard] to be provided to express and refrigerate milk. To be honest, it's a complete faff though and I found it really hard to relax and get "let down" in an office environment so I'd personally move to formula within a reasonable time frame for you.

Lastly, can you afford to purchase extra leave? Even if you've missed the cut off for this year, it might be worth booking out blocks now especially if you've carried any over. I wouldn't use it for a 4 day week as in your job you'll do the 5 anyway. They'll only properly cover the job if you are gone for a week or more at a time.

You can do this and your beautiful baby will be there at 6pm for cuddles and smiles

Honestly get signed off sick- see your GP.

I hope today goes okay for you OP. I don't judge you or your family but I do judge any society where it is considered acceptable for women to be back at work three mere weeks after giving birth.

I can't believe your work place are doing this. Can't your husband gets part time work? Can't you get a loan and use that for a few months at least? Or just go on benefits or something.

Also I thought the law was that you can have a year off unpaid??

Have you ever thought that a woman's body needs time to heal after giving birth, let alone after a traumatic complicated pregnancy ? It would be perfectly reasonable to take some sick time for goodness sake. Three weeks is nothing ! I am hardly being narrow minded for thinking a woman should put her health first.

@Ottersmith why do you assume that OPs DH getting part time work would be enough for their family to survive on? Women can be high earners too

OP has clearly stated she can’t afford to take more time off. She’s asking for a handhold and some support, not “solutions” from posters who can’t even be bothered to read her posts.

i am sure your GP would sign you off?

He doesn't get to leave the entire family income to a three-week postpartum mama, just so he can do school picks ups!!

of course he “gets to” if that’s what the family have decided is best in all circumstances

But if she doesn't get sick pay, they won't be better off anyway.

Of course, if the OP takes sick or unpaid maternity leave, it will free her DH up to get a job.

And the OP will be at home 'doing the hardest job in the world' caring for a newborn and older DC with additional needs, while her DH gets to swan off to work every day to have a rest without a care in the world....

Best wishes to you, OP.
I went back to work when DS was 6 weeks old. That was the norm at the time.
You'll cope - especially with a supportive DH.

You are entitled to a year, yes. You don't have to take it. You only legally have to take 2 weeks post birth (or 4 weeks if you work in a factory).

Yes, but presumably the OP cannot survive on sick pay, else she would be taking longer maternity at SMP rates?

If you are off sick a year after your baby anyway I believe pay defers to SMP rather than SSP...

As I have a woman's body (and was back at f/t work 4 weeks post CS) of course I understand. However I also understand the need to continue bringing in an income. OP has said she was very ill so possibly does not have any full pay sick leave entitlement left.

Bemoaning the situation does not help OP. Her salary has to feed, clothe and house six people. I am guessing she is in the type of role where P/T is not an option.

I have been in that situation and understand it very well.

Hope your 1st day back is going OK OP. I agree with others that your DP should be taking over night feeds if he can - if you can express or if you are bottle feeding. If bf then can he do the settling back to sleep?

I hope your employer is understanding and giving you some space to recover physically. And somewhere to express if you are working on site and bf.

3 weeks is unusual in the UK currently, though 6ish weeks more typical in the US so hopefully some posters there will be able to offer solidarity and advice.

If this is the arrangement that works for you, with DH at home and SAHP for your older kids and baby then good luck to you all.

To pp's commenting on her employer forcing her back - that isn't the case (though I imagine if they offered an enhanced maternity pay package she would be taking longer than the 6 weeks).

To pp's who are expressing shock at this - vote with your feet and don't work for employers who don't offer longer enhanced leave!

Horrified by what most Employers do? Even those that do give EMP only go to 12 weeks.

I’m very aware of the rules. I would, as a responsible employer, ensure that in the OPs circumstances, she had more flexibility. Employers are able to do this. They can make exceptions. They should make exceptions.

This is what happens to most fathers..they are expected to put up and shut up..

No, most fathers don't go back to work 3 weeks after giving birth. Infact, none of them do.