DP living in my house, how to split chores / costs

[Isitteatime]

My DP has been living in my house for 2 years now.

I’m mortgage-free and my bills are fortunately quite low, he wanted a Sky package so he pays for this and £200 towards bills and food.

I don’t want to make a profit off him, but I feel that he’s at a big financial advantage by living with me and he’s not getting a true taste of the cost of living away from parents home (before moving in with me he lived with his parents his entire life), he’s also benefitting from me working hard before meeting him and putting a huge chunk of my salary into paying off my mortgage. I don’t know what I want to change, but because of this set up I feel a bit of resentment, like we’re not equal partners and that I’m subsidising his life as he has more disposable income to do all his endless hobbies. I guess an option could be to sell my place and buy somewhere bigger together, but I’d be spiting myself by getting into a mortgage again.

Also, a minor point but he is always super late transferring his bill money every month, I haven’t mentioned it to him because ultimately he does transfer it, but it’s another thing that’s making me feel less like partners with a responsibility to pay bills and more like a cheap board and lodge option.

Is anyone else in a similar position with a DP moving into their owned house, if so do you have a money set up that works well?

edited to add: title is misleading, I was going to mention chore share as well(as that’s another issue), but the post is long enough already!

“living in your house”

ie

DP and I live together

this relationship dead in the water anyway

I’ll go first - cocklodger.

I think you need to look into his savings and pension and insist that he pays interest if his payments are late. If he has nothing saved, do you want to carry him forever?

Sorry that he sounds like a freeloader. Long-term it will irritate you and lead to the end of the relationship. Best to re-evaluate now whilst he has no claim on your house.

That covers food, as the average cost of food is now about £48 per person per week, now what about bills and council tax ?

I d also get legal advice and get him to sign something that says he has no future claim on your house, as the longer you live with him, the more likely he is to be able to claim.

but, cocklodger alert. No reasonable human contributes so little.

and half the chores. Need you ask this one ?

My adult DS pays double that to live in my house with me, and I think I just about break even in terms of his contribution towards food and bills. However I wouldn't mind subsidising him because he is my son and I want him to be able to save. He also contributes fairly regularly by doing top-up shopping, or ordering takeaways for us all.
Why are you subsidising DP?
If you want the relationship to continue,I think you should calculate what the bills actually come to, and tell him needs to pay half of that by standing order, as a minimum. If he has never lived away from his parents house, maybe he doesn't understand what is required, so spell it out once. If he still doesn't behave like an adult, then you'll have to end it.
And I'll point out that as he is living rent free in your house, he should be frequently treating you - nights out, maybe the odd weekend away, little presents etc. If he isn't, then it suggests he doesn't appreciate the contribution that you are making to your joint lifestyle.

If you're mortgage free and bills are low, then 50% of food and 50% of utilities would seem reasonable. Is this more than the £200 he's currently paying? Perhaps also a direct debit into a savings account in lieu of not paying "rent" as such, so that he'd have security if you split up and he needed to find his own accommodation. He currently is effectively a lodger, and doesn't have any security at all, where as you have total security (perhaps focus on that being the benefit of having paid the mortgage yourself in the past).

It’s a no from me.

The inky way this could vaguely be acceptable is if he pays for “luxuries” such as holidays and other treats with the money he is saving.

the lateness with money though, that’s pretty shit and tells you a lot about how little he respects you.

I fear after 2 years you’ve kinda missed that boat with addressing this…. He needs to move out. He’s not going to change. He’s a cock lodger.

He’s freeloading.

No excuse for late payments, he simply does not respect you. I bet he always pays his Sky package on time.

IMO in lieu of mortgage/rent payments he should be putting something into a joint savings account monthly, to save for rainy days, emergencies, better future, for the two of you. You can top this up too of course, but he should be actively willing to step up for the partnership that you’re in and provide something.

He should have his own savings too, not sure if he does. But sounds like if you kicked him to the curb his answer would be to run home to mum anyway.

He’s a cocklodger, non?

When my kids get older I’ll be expecting more than £200 a month off them, what a fucking joke - and he’s always late with it? What’s his salary? And just add it in with this post, what’s the chore situation? Any kids involved (bloody hope not!)

If you hadn't worked hard to pay off your mortgage and still had mortgage payments, you would be expecting more from him.

t's not right if he has more disposable income than you. I would say he should pay £200 for the bills plus £200 for food at least. Plus £200 for wear and tear of property. Assuming that if things break you would need to pay for it to be fixed. So £600 seems fairer. £200 you keep for house maintenance.

He should have a standing order set up to pay you each month. No excuse for the lateness and you nagging him.

he should be paying half of all bills. Gas, electric, water, food, council tax etc.

it can’t be helped that you had a house before you met him and it shoundnt be held against him but as long as you legally are set up to protect yourself in the future incase you split just carry on.

id want to see from him that he was possibly saving money he would he spending on rent or mortage and being vocal about how it could be used to move somewhere bigger etc or even on a family holiday.

don’t feel you have to tip toe around difficult subjects. The best approach is clear and calm conversation.

he is tardy with agreed payments, stashing his dosh,
will meet someone who doesn’t require rent or chores,
then he will leave you, saying you always seemed to be
demanding money - these tales always follow the same
trajectory
which never ends at a crock of gold

1. If you are earning a similar amount, I think he should pay half of bills and utilities, unless there are any someone exclusively uses and wants. List them, and total up the cost.

2. Again, food/household items bills should also be spilt in half, assuming no one is an excessive eater and any individual treats are roughly the same. Eg he wants chocolate as a snack, and you don’t snack, but you use a more expensive shampoo/conditioner than him. This list can be approximate as each weekly shop differs. but just check there are no glaring one-sided contributions.

3. Practically, I suggest you make a list of all expenses on your house - Council tax, upkeep, maintenance, furniture etc. If he was in rented accommodation, these would be covered by the landlord as part of his rent, however the landlord would also take the cost of them into account in setting the rent amount, so if you absorb the cost of these yourself in full, it is fair you get subsidized in the same way a rent would. This is NOT him getting a claim on your home. Perhaps 1/3 of these costs would be appropriate? A choice for you.

4. I would also get him to sign something (solicitor drawn up) saying he has no claim on the house in the event you split. Make this crystal clear and water tight.

5. I forgot to add - discuss and agree these with him and then have him set up a direct debit to transfer this money to you the day after he is paid. Have him do it on this banking app in front of you at the end of the discussion.

Why is he incapable of setting up a monthly standing order?

Does £200 really cover half of ALL household costs? Have you added it up? What about holidays, days/meals out etc - how are they split?

If you're also hinting at an unequal share of chores, from a guy who's only lived with his mother, I'd think he's a definite cocklodger.

OP, your description of your live in lodger with benefits as a Partner
is something of a Misnomer

£200 a month ??? not a week? £45 a week board and lodging
whilst responsibility, chores, utilities, adult real life free
plus you lose your CT single person discount
is this a fair assessment
what was the question?

I am insanw position (but 14 years now)

He pays no rent as I don't want him toys e ANY CLAIM on ny property.

He pays half all the other bills plus 50% of food (works out around £425 per month including share of food when eating out)

So both better off -me from sharing bills and him from being rent free.

so not necessarily a cock lodger. but he should be paying half bills/food

I’m in your situation except the other way around, I moved in with my partner in Sept 2023 who owns his house with no mortgage.

At the very beginning we opened a joint account and worked out all expenses.. bills, food, subscriptions, rates, food, fun money for dates etc, holiday savings. The figure we came to was £1500 and we each pay £750 on payday. It works as everything is covered and dates, eating out etc etc all come from the joint account.

The rest of our finances are separate right now.. I do have my own house which is rented currently although I’m selling it. So I have my own savings and will have proceeds of sale should anything change with my relationship - although I don’t think it will!

You shouldn't accept your current arrangement, it does have to be fair.

This is how I’ve been feeling, that we’re in cocklodger territory. He’s on quite a low salary, but even after paying his measly £200 + sky per month he probably has a lot more disposable income than the average person.

I’m sure everyone guessed it, he doesn’t help out with chores very much and he doesn’t contribute to house maintenance costs, we agreed to refresh the living room last year, we had it redecorated and bought new furniture and a sofa, he didn’t offer a penny towards the costs - maybe he shouldn’t have to pay towards the decorating, but I thought he could’ve contributed towards or bought items of furniture or sofa (obviously if we split, he would then keep the items that he paid for).

He leaves all holiday / trip bookings to me so I end up front loading all the costs and spending money, after we’re home from the holiday he’ll ask how much his half is and he’ll transfer money to me. I can’t be bothered going through my bank statement checking the price of everything so I often just say a figure that sounds about right (which is usually estimated down to avoid ‘over charging’ him).

Ask him when he's going to propose and watch him run for the hills.

Did his mother do more or less than you are doing for him?

He's using you.

He moved out of home (where I imagine his parents probably charged him more because £200 per month is laughable) and moved in with a new mummy - you.

He isn't acting like your partner, he's acting like your child and a leech.

Tell him he needs to live on his own for a bit, in a place funded by himself, with bills and food paid for by himself and cleaning and chores done by himself before he can truly understand what it is to be a grown up and have a grown up relationship.