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Original poster

DP living in my house, how to split chores / costs

112 replies

Isitteatime · 12/05/2024 10:23

My DP has been living in my house for 2 years now.

I’m mortgage-free and my bills are fortunately quite low, he wanted a Sky package so he pays for this and £200 towards bills and food.

I don’t want to make a profit off him, but I feel that he’s at a big financial advantage by living with me and he’s not getting a true taste of the cost of living away from parents home (before moving in with me he lived with his parents his entire life), he’s also benefitting from me working hard before meeting him and putting a huge chunk of my salary into paying off my mortgage. I don’t know what I want to change, but because of this set up I feel a bit of resentment, like we’re not equal partners and that I’m subsidising his life as he has more disposable income to do all his endless hobbies. I guess an option could be to sell my place and buy somewhere bigger together, but I’d be spiting myself by getting into a mortgage again.

Also, a minor point but he is always super late transferring his bill money every month, I haven’t mentioned it to him because ultimately he does transfer it, but it’s another thing that’s making me feel less like partners with a responsibility to pay bills and more like a cheap board and lodge option.

Is anyone else in a similar position with a DP moving into their owned house, if so do you have a money set up that works well?

edited to add: title is misleading, I was going to mention chore share as well(as that’s another issue), but the post is long enough already!

OP posts:
MILTOBE · 12/05/2024 19:37

Oh come ON, ffs. You're being ridiculous. He pays £50 pw and his Sky package? He's 38 for god's sake. And of course he doesn't want you to split up! Why would he? He's living with you and paying as though he's a teenager on an apprenticeship. You pay for his holidays. You drive him everywhere.

Come on. He's not the only one who needs to grow up. You do, too, as you don't seem to be using any commonsense at all.

And if you tell him to go, he'll propose. That will be to secure his housing. You would pay for the wedding and then afterwards he'll carry on paying £50 a week (and costs will have risen by then).

Don't be silly - go for an adult relationship instead.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/05/2024 19:39

his car is always full of his football crap over every seat other than the drivers and it stinks of smelly feet

Shock
Original poster
Isitteatime · 12/05/2024 19:49

lentilloved · 12/05/2024 19:36

you don’t seem to like him op
let alone love him
have some self respect FGS

I can see how it’s coming across like that.

Other than him lacking in independence and relying on me too much, he’s actually a nice person, fun to be around, very loving and affectionate and a bonus is that he’s very handsome.

I do love him, I’m just in a bit of a negative headspace thinking about the money / chore situation. If I could find a way for him to change and for the relationship to be more of a partnership and to feel more equal then I’d 100% want to stay with him.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 12/05/2024 19:53

OK one last try:

DH we need to talk about some aspects of our relationship. [wait to see if he knows what]:

When you pay me late, don't do chores unasked, and make me the admin/driver etc. it makes me feel used and sad. Because I want to have an equal relationship with a partner. Can we work out what our expectations are and stick to them? This part is really important, it needs to be unasked, without me having to be in charge of you thinking about being equal.

He then gets to say anything he doesn't like. And you work on solutions. Together. He doesn't stick to it, you dump him. No second chances.

ComfyBoobs · 12/05/2024 19:57

Live separately?

thedendrochronologist · 12/05/2024 20:04

I moved into my DH house (which he built) it my home but I don't own it even though we are married
,
I lay £227 for bills (gas ,lec ,water ,sky, internet, insurance window cleaners) and each pay £225 to joint account for food and dog food.

I paid for a new en-suite and we share all the other costs such as new patio and decorating throughout (we have web together 9 years) furniture and so on

I do all the cleaning and laundry and he does all the dog walking most of the cooking and food shopping meal playing and holiday booking. I and

I work part time 4 days term time (teacher with tlr) and I am ever grateful we can do this as he built our home. I went part time as we had fertilu struggles and sadly no DC

Original poster
Isitteatime · 12/05/2024 20:15

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/05/2024 19:53

OK one last try:

DH we need to talk about some aspects of our relationship. [wait to see if he knows what]:

When you pay me late, don't do chores unasked, and make me the admin/driver etc. it makes me feel used and sad. Because I want to have an equal relationship with a partner. Can we work out what our expectations are and stick to them? This part is really important, it needs to be unasked, without me having to be in charge of you thinking about being equal.

He then gets to say anything he doesn't like. And you work on solutions. Together. He doesn't stick to it, you dump him. No second chances.

Thank you, the way that you’ve worded what I should say to him is perfect!

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 12/05/2024 20:23

@Isitteatime

Don't leave out the money, because what he is contributing is a bloody joke.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 12/05/2024 20:28

Do you enjoy being his new Mum?

determinedtomakethiswork · 12/05/2024 22:11

Other than him lacking in independence and relying on me too much, he’s actually a nice person, fun to be around, very loving and affectionate and a bonus is that he’s very handsome.

The thing is I'm sure we could all be fun to be around and a lovely person if we were paying £200 a month for everything all in. And of course he's good looking. He has no worries! He can spend money on himself and not even think about where his holidays and rent are coming from. We would all be so much nicer if we lived like that!

Aquamarine1029 · 12/05/2024 22:33

It's interesting how he supposedly has all of these wonderful attributes, loving, affectionate, even handsome, yet no other women has ever managed to snatch this prize of a man up. Hmmmm, I wonder what it could be?

He's a mummy's boy, lazy cocklodger, that's why.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 12/05/2024 23:03

He's 38, can't cook, can't clean (but can when asked to), apparently can't adult!!

However, he can adult can't he, because he's holding down a job and not expecting his boss to parent him, just you, because you're doing it.

A frank conversation about expectations and a determination to act if they're not met.

Handsome or not, it's not something I'd be tolerating for long

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 12/05/2024 23:06

Please do not marry him.

Just what exactly is he doing to enhance your life ?

Codlingmoths · 12/05/2024 23:11

I wouldn’t respect him. I bet he respects himself so where the fuck does he get off saying I can’t cook? Can you read? Have you any developmental issues that put your mental age below 12? You can cook. Find a recipe, follow it, use your brain. If it tastes shit, try another recipe. He doesn’t respect you is what’s going on here. He thinks you owe him for the privilege of his company and he owes you nothing in return but begrudgingly does the minimum he sees you requiring. Slow, late and with some childish comments. I couldn’t keep him around at all.

but if you want to give him a chance to change, tell him to get out for a week, he can come back if he wants to have a month trial where he cooks 5 days a week (this is more than fair since you’ve cooked for 2 years, you dont have to eat his cooking) pays including bills and transfers the day before they are due, doesn’t need asking and if he passes trial he has 4 days to set up the standing order. Book yourself a holiday, not for him, he can come on the next one that he organises.

LifeExperience · 13/05/2024 00:09

How can you find such a weak, dependent, tight, lazy man sexy? Doesn't being his mummy give you the ick? I would lose the pathetic man-child today.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 13/05/2024 00:25

He's got from his parents home to a parent/ man child relationship with you
You're starting to sound resentful, frankly after 2 years you must have more patience than most
What is actually in it for you?
He brings nothing to the table( not even a soapy cloth to clean it!)
Even if you do think it's worth a serious conversation, at 38 it's unlikely he will step up
You've done well to buy your house, why compromise and share it with him
You can do better

uncomfortablydumb53 · 13/05/2024 00:26

He's gone

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 13/05/2024 00:31

He is 38 ?
wow and he never left home until he was 36 and that was to move in with you ?

he lived at home for 36 years !!! wow !

FlickDrink · 13/05/2024 00:39

Oh dear OP, what were you thinking 🤦🏻‍♀️. How could you have let this go on so long.

Do you want kids? Sometimes I think some women put up with low quality men because they feel,they need to settle down and have kids.

You need to work out why you've allowed this to happen.

FlickDrink · 13/05/2024 00:40

uncomfortablydumb53 · 13/05/2024 00:26

He's gone

OP ?

lentilloved · 13/05/2024 07:19

Other than him lacking in independence and relying on me too much, he’s actually a nice person, fun to be around, very loving and affectionate and a bonus is that he’s very handsome.

you’re his sugar mummy OP

Sounds to me like a quid pro quo situation

Original poster
Isitteatime · 13/05/2024 07:58

Codlingmoths · 12/05/2024 23:11

I wouldn’t respect him. I bet he respects himself so where the fuck does he get off saying I can’t cook? Can you read? Have you any developmental issues that put your mental age below 12? You can cook. Find a recipe, follow it, use your brain. If it tastes shit, try another recipe. He doesn’t respect you is what’s going on here. He thinks you owe him for the privilege of his company and he owes you nothing in return but begrudgingly does the minimum he sees you requiring. Slow, late and with some childish comments. I couldn’t keep him around at all.

but if you want to give him a chance to change, tell him to get out for a week, he can come back if he wants to have a month trial where he cooks 5 days a week (this is more than fair since you’ve cooked for 2 years, you dont have to eat his cooking) pays including bills and transfers the day before they are due, doesn’t need asking and if he passes trial he has 4 days to set up the standing order. Book yourself a holiday, not for him, he can come on the next one that he organises.

I had a chat with him last night. He was quite defensive, actually blamed me for being “domineering” in the relationship, I really don’t think that I am (or at least I don’t want to be!!), I explained that I don’t want to always be the decision maker and having to take the lead, but he leaves me with no option because he doesn’t contribute to anything without me having to ask/nag him. I told him that I’ve had enough and that if he isn’t prepared to step up and treat me as his partner, instead of his skivvy then he’ll have to move out. I also told him that the £200 is a joke and that he wouldn’t be able to rent a bedroom in our area for that amount.

It was getting late so we will discuss more later, his initial reactions and comments wasn’t great though so it may result in us finishing anyway, there wasn’t much acknowledgement of what’s wrong in the relationship, there was a lot of blame and excuses.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 13/05/2024 08:29

I wonder how you being “domineering” makes him late in settling up on bills…

SheilaFentiman · 13/05/2024 08:29

Sounds like you gave him some good home truths OP

determinedtomakethiswork · 13/05/2024 08:49

He's blaming you now! You couldn't make it up. He's 38 years old paying £200 a month and being driven about. You are literally his mother!