DP living in my house, how to split chores / costs

[Isitteatime]

My DP has been living in my house for 2 years now.

I’m mortgage-free and my bills are fortunately quite low, he wanted a Sky package so he pays for this and £200 towards bills and food.

I don’t want to make a profit off him, but I feel that he’s at a big financial advantage by living with me and he’s not getting a true taste of the cost of living away from parents home (before moving in with me he lived with his parents his entire life), he’s also benefitting from me working hard before meeting him and putting a huge chunk of my salary into paying off my mortgage. I don’t know what I want to change, but because of this set up I feel a bit of resentment, like we’re not equal partners and that I’m subsidising his life as he has more disposable income to do all his endless hobbies. I guess an option could be to sell my place and buy somewhere bigger together, but I’d be spiting myself by getting into a mortgage again.

Also, a minor point but he is always super late transferring his bill money every month, I haven’t mentioned it to him because ultimately he does transfer it, but it’s another thing that’s making me feel less like partners with a responsibility to pay bills and more like a cheap board and lodge option.

Is anyone else in a similar position with a DP moving into their owned house, if so do you have a money set up that works well?

edited to add: title is misleading, I was going to mention chore share as well(as that’s another issue), but the post is long enough already!

Charge him half of all the household bills (and car if he's using that too) plus on top of the extra 25% discount you've lost in council tax subsidy.
Your bills might include insurance, chimney sweep, boiler servicing, water rates, gas and electric, food, council tax.

I'd also charge him £50 a week for general wear and tear. He's contributing to the wear of everything he's using. Then when things need replacing it's not just on you. It would be part of the total bill don't itemise this.

Get him to set up a standing order called 'housekeeping contribution' then it comes out of his account automatically and he can't just forget.

You'll feel better when your outgoings are more equal.

It's a bit mismatched right now.

Just read the bit about you booking holiday and paying!

Price up a trip, send him the breakdown with this contribution and tell him you are happy to book once he's transferred the money. Do not book before, even if you miss the holiday. It's his learning curve.

Sounds like he's swapped his mother for you.

In her house

Living with someone doesn't mean your house now becomes their house.
Their home perhaps but not their house.

I would find this behaviour so unattractive.

@lentilloved he is 41, he doesn’t own property no.

My student DD pays me £200 a month (including insuring her on my car) and I think she gets a great deal! She also buys quite a lot of food, does a decent amount of housework and other jobs around the house.

I let her live this cheaply because she is my child and I want to help her while she is studying. Any partner would be expected to pay a proper amount of money to cover their own living costs.

How did you land on £200? For that price, you’d be fighting off prospective tenants. £200 doesn’t even cover half of the council tax and gas bill in my house.

I think that he should at least pay 50% of all utilities, insurance and council tax. If you share a car then 50% of car costs. He should pay at least 50% of groceries (I say at least because I assume that he may eat more than you as a man)

You shouldn’t ask for contributions towards home improvements as he can later claim that back from you and you want to keep the house 100% yours.

I think that you should have him move back out tbh. What is the point of him? He is like a child and taking the piss and you are enabling him with the £200 (!!) contribution.

He’s 38.

My utility bills are quite low, 50% works out about £140, so he’s under paying towards food as I pay more than £120pm on food.

Like I said in my original post, I don’t want to make a profit off him, but it would go a long way if he covered more of our holiday costs or meals out (we tend to take it in turns to pay the bill), this would at least make me feel that he appreciates being able to live rent free and that he doesn’t take it (or me!) for granted.

If I ask him to do a chore in the house he’ll help, other than cooking which he says he can’t do, I wish I didn’t have to ask though, it’s contributing to me feeling more like a mum than a partner.

I think if I spoke to him about this he’d want to make changes- I don’t think that he would want to spilt up

Can he just take over certain bills? So gas and council tax come from his account, electric and internet from yours etc. Then he will set up direct debits and you don’t have to chase.

Or he transfers you £200 (more please, £200 is ridiculous) by standing order every month on the 2nd.

Or you set up a joint account and each put £x in per month and you buy food, meals out, holidays and bills from that. £x doesn’t have to be the same for each of you.

Same with chores - each of you has an area. You cook, he clears up. He good shops, you put away. He does laundry, you hoover. So there’s no “asking “ him, certain tasks are just his.

That doesn't sound good.
My house is mine - I pay the mortgage. I have two kids and don't want to share the mortgage with anyone. My lovely DP lives with us. He pays half of all the bills (though we are a family of 4), plus £200 'rent' money. He buys half of all the food for the 4 of us, pays for half the holidays for the 4 of us, fixes everything, does the garden up beautifully and makes himself a pleasure to live with. (I don't expect him to pay for my kids, he's made it clear he wants to. They also have a loving dad so he's not doing it to play dad).

This does not sound a good deal for you OP. I would feel resentful with that too. It's not good enough.

You don't want to make a profit off him but it seems you are making a loss.

And he can't be arsed to do chores or contribute because he doesn't feel you are worth it.

If that's what you are happy with then what's the problem?

Weird post, clearly OP isn’t happy or she wouldn’t have started a thread for advice.

I'm curious why you are accepting any of it. A man who has to be asked to do chores, mithered (which autocucumbered to mothered, also true) to pay a meagre share of expenses, can't cook, and leaves life admin to you. Lived at home with his mum making packed lunches. I'm not sure I would have gone out with him in the first place.

The fact that you did is interesting. I wonder if you have a script about you being a service bot. And that you're so worried about things being unfair to HIM when they are so clearly unfair to YOU.

I would not sell/move. He hasn't got the advantage, you have - you own the asset and he doesn't.

I think you're on an equal footing month to month actually as neither of you have a mortgage to pay and he can't accrue an interest in your property.

Split the bills 50/50, his sky package is additional to that.

Make him set up a standing order on payday, it's not good enough for him to transfer "eventually".

Set up an emergency fund you both pay into - for wear and tear etc. He should contribute to the general upkeep of his home imo.

On chores- he needs of course to do 50/50 and pull his weight- bet he's not is he!

He would probably love this because then he gets half the house

You sound like his Mum and he is your 38 year old teenage son. Nothing would give me the ick more. I don’t know how you desire sex with him.

When is he going to grow up and become and adult……… if he’s 38 and still acting like a child?

The answer is never.

Sadly, I agree.

I often feel like I’ve got a man-child rather than a partner

When I bring this up to him I think that he’ll say that he’ll pay more, but I’m starting to think that it’s reached a point where him paying more wouldn’t be the answer as it’s deeper than just the money aspect.

The replies here today have been helpful, thank you! X

How did you end up in this position?

Why would you automatically pay substantially more than half of everything and do all the chores?

Yes it’s less so the money aspect for me. More the not cooking, not doing 50% of the housework, you planning all the holidays and getting the money back after, moving straight in with you from his mum who still made his packed lunches for him, paying you late every month ……… just so unattractive.

Are there any aspects of your life/relationship where you are equal partners …….. or even where he takes the lead?

Everything you have mentioned so far is you being “the mum” and him being “the child”.

OP this is ridiculous.

My own son was paying more than twice that.

We don't need the money but equally he needed to understand that living costs money.

Living together, you sharing your house, the extra wear and tear should benefit both parties. He benefits by not paying the full cost if he rented his own place, you benefit by reducing your outgoings substantially as they are shared.

The only one benefiting here is him.

By a huge margin.

£200 a month all in for a grown man is absolutely ludicrous!

And BTW my son paid £500 willingly and considered it a bargain.

No, it’s always me.

Even when it comes to days out, I end up being the designated driver, which pisses me off, but his car is always full of his football crap over every seat other than the drivers and it stinks of smelly feet so I’d rather go in my nice clean car than in his. I really do have a 38 year old teenager dont I? 😧

you don’t seem to like him op
let alone love him
have some self respect FGS