DP living in my house, how to split chores / costs

[Isitteatime]

My DP has been living in my house for 2 years now.

I’m mortgage-free and my bills are fortunately quite low, he wanted a Sky package so he pays for this and £200 towards bills and food.

I don’t want to make a profit off him, but I feel that he’s at a big financial advantage by living with me and he’s not getting a true taste of the cost of living away from parents home (before moving in with me he lived with his parents his entire life), he’s also benefitting from me working hard before meeting him and putting a huge chunk of my salary into paying off my mortgage. I don’t know what I want to change, but because of this set up I feel a bit of resentment, like we’re not equal partners and that I’m subsidising his life as he has more disposable income to do all his endless hobbies. I guess an option could be to sell my place and buy somewhere bigger together, but I’d be spiting myself by getting into a mortgage again.

Also, a minor point but he is always super late transferring his bill money every month, I haven’t mentioned it to him because ultimately he does transfer it, but it’s another thing that’s making me feel less like partners with a responsibility to pay bills and more like a cheap board and lodge option.

Is anyone else in a similar position with a DP moving into their owned house, if so do you have a money set up that works well?

edited to add: title is misleading, I was going to mention chore share as well(as that’s another issue), but the post is long enough already!

As it's my house I pay for all household purchases

The tv I thibk we shared but stuff like a sofa. I would pay for as it's always going to stay in my house. Same with a washing machine. It's about keeping it clear that's it's my house and he does not contribute anything towards it or its maintenance.

I do organise all holidays but that's as I am a planner and enjoy it and he doesn't (but pays half and I mostly do what I want to do this way)

Yep! She was still doing his packed lunch for work every day too. She’s a lovely lady, but she’s done her DS no favours as he’s a bit out of touch with the real world when it comes to how to run a house and the costs involved.

Oh OP your updates!!! I hope seeing it written down has shown you this is no man.

You have a pet cock - time to rehome!!

£200 a month for food and bills? And few chores? I'll move in with you and I'll do chores!

£200 a month doesn't cover food and bills. I eat more than that in a month and I'm small! He needs to pay half the bills, half the groceries and half the incidentals (laundry detergent etc). Wherever he was living he'd have to pay more than he is now.

Or get rid of him. As it is you are out of pocket having him there.

For starters you've lost 25% saving on council bill, aside from the extra costs of water (a tenner a month perhaps), electricity etc

He's not an adult. He's a manchild who has moved in with a new mummy.

He’s paying you £6 a day. £6. WTF

£200 a month barely pays for his food, let alone any bills. How unattractive-I think I’d be asking him to go back to mummy!

i would say half the bills at the very least - and that's if u want to keep living with him as it doesnt sound great!

i'd also be minded to see how much a room in a shared house is or a lodger is in your area and then think about a partial additional contribution to that

i wouldn't suggest any decoration costs because he could start having an interest

I have a mortgage but it's in my name. I pay my mortgage and associated house costs for example house insurance, furniture, decoration, appliances etc. It's painful (financially) but I don't want any difficulties if we were to break up, I would expect him to move out with no claim on my house.

We both pay into a joint account (I pay more proportionally because I earn more). Out of this comes all the shared bills, food, couple activities like meals out, and we save towards holidays. FWIW he pays £700 and I pay £1100 into the joint account, although we may need to up it as costs have been going up.

Our personal money goes towards personal savings, and personal spending such as commuting costs, books, gym membership etc. It's quite tight but I think it's fair.

We both try to pull our weight around the house. He does more cooking, I do more cleaning and tidying. He probably spends more time on household chores.

How old is he?

and why isn't he paying 50% of all bills, food etc

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress

how old is he? does he own a property?

Op I'm going to be kind and say he just doesn't understand responsibility yet and you are going to help teach him.

Be clear, blunt and ask for exactly what you want.

Definitely hike up rent!
Say exactly what it's for and that you want a direct debit for it.

Have you sat and worked out the total outgoings for the household? Or was the £200 a random figure?
When it comes to booking holidays show him the booking page tell him what half would be and once he’s transferred his half you will book it. Shouldn’t have to be like that but if he waits till after the event that’s unfair on you

Is he in his 30s/40? You say you worked hard to have no mortgage so I am guessing you are around this age. I bet he didn't pay his mum anything and she did everything for him.

1/2 bills
1/2 house work
no rent
I wouldn’t and haven’t taken rent in this situation

I worked so hard for my house why would you risk someone having a financial claim to it for the sake of a few hundred pounds a month that’s costing you nothing

the fact that his mother makes him a packed lunch for him every day op…. how can you even lie in bed next to him let alone consider building a life with him 🤢

Well, I have no idea what your bills are like, but mine are roughly £1000 a month without the mortgage, so I'd be wanting £500 off him for that.

Food for the two of us is probably another £400 a month.

He's carrying on like a teenager, and it's really unattractive. I'd have got bored and just told him to go home to his Mum long before now. I'm not interested in immature deadbeats.

He's late handing over the pittance for Sky and food. He's a lodger with a cock.

Yes, but YOU are allowing this! Honestly, what the fuck are you doing? You are allowing him to take total advantage of you. It's astounding that you have let this happen. You are just his new mum, not a partner. This relationship is a sham and you should kick him out now before this carries on to the point you're broke.

You seem very aware of not over charging him. How much has everything gone up by him moving in?

Right. You, like his mum, are also doing him no favours. He needs to understand that he’s not pulling his weight financially or practically, and that it’s hard to respect a man who treats you like his mum.

However it may be too late. You may need to be telling him that sadly it’s over, and that he needs to be much more responsible and proactive if he wants an adult relationship.

The big thing I’m struggling to understand is why he has more spending money than you?

And I suppose he will need to think about whether he’d prefer an equal relationship with less spending money, or staying with his mum again.

She was still doing his packed lunch for work every day too.

There will be no retraining this one. Sorry.

God how old is he? Who expects to be housed and fed for £200 per month! Our bills other the. The mortgage are about £1500 - so I'd be expecting half of that in your situation.

I suggest you need to sit down with him and talk him through the bank statement. Being charitable he might not know how much everything costs if he's never had to pay bills before. If he moans though then I'd be sending him back to his mum!

He's a cocklodger and a lazy man child. I'd get rid.