Thought process of people who dominate conversations

[Mygobissmacked]

I’ve always wondered what people like you are thinking when you constantly interrupt others, or turn discussions into a monologue about you regardless of whether your point is relevant to the discussion.

Especially in a setting where a group has just met for the first time. Example: at a new hobby group Person A to B: ‘You’re a travel agent, that sounds fun. I’m thinking of going to a Spanish island and would like a mix of mountains and beach but not touristy, where would you recommend”? B: “Ooh I don’t think you could go wrong with Forme-” C really loudly “I make an amazing paella!! I add a secret ingredient and my friend said it’s the BEST they’ve ever had!!”

Not sure how many replies I’ll get from those that do it, but what is going on in your head where you think let me butt in even though I wasn’t asked or my comment has nothing to do with the conversation. Is it because you think you’re the most important person in the room and only your voice matters? Is it boredom? A need to be liked? Why?

Interesting. I know someone like this as well, you struggle to get a sentence out because you can feel her waiting for you to finish to then dive in and take over.
Over bearing and dominating and always about herself.
I went to new York, no question about my visit first just straight into hers.

When people do that I usually end up glazing over & thinking about something else until they’ve finished.

That's not me being rude, it’s because having someone monologuing at me for ages begins to feel actively uncomfortable and it’s the easiest way to deal with it.

@AdalineStephen my mum is the same. Plus she seems to think it’s her job to make sure the conversation is ‘correct’ - that everyone is fully informed of every possible variation, that every little error anyone (usually my dad) makes must be corrected, and proven, at length.

i have been / am guilty of interrupting at times. I’m partially deaf and often the only part of the conversation I can be sure of is my part - so I will carry on talking purely so I know what’s being said. It’s not great. I also talk over quietly spoken people sometimes, for the same reason - to me I either don’t hear them or they are mumbling and I have to concentrate very hard to hear what’s being said. It’s less tiring to just take over the conversation because at least I know what’s being said 🤷‍♀️

something that hasn’t been mentioned much hear is listening. My mum doesn’t listen: she’s too involved in correcting what others say, or saying it better, or explaining everything in minute detail, or interrupting to point out something random she thinks we need to see 🙄. I don’t always hear, and listening requires a special effort but it’s so important. I find when I focus less on me and what I’m going to say and more on the speaker and really listening to them, conversations are much smoother and more useful.

Some people just love the sound of their own voice. They're simply not interested in what others have to say...my mother in law is like this.
I don't think she is neuro divergent. Nor is she a 'dickhead'. I think her frame of reference is limited - she wants to talk about particular things such as who has died locally or her upcoming holidays. The give and take of a conversation isn't there with her. Years ago I would try to have balanced chats and would get frustrated with her. But I've mellowed over the years and just let her chat now...just say 'mmm' and 'oh really', etc.
And I think she would be shocked to hear that she dominates conversations or that I think this - perception is fascinating.

I went for drinks with some school mums and there are a few women who are VERY chatty. It's extremely difficult to get a word in unless you're prepared to speak over them and cut them off. I was sat there and realised that I hadn't said a word in over an hour. I don't go to the drinks anymore, I have no interest in just listening to people talk.

I have a friend, who is an artist, who does this, a lot. It's impossible to watch anything on TV with her as within minutes something will remind her about herself and she'll go into monologue mode.

Her conversational narcissism is off the scale and she gets bored quickly if the conversation isn't about her. Socially, she can be quite entertaining especially to those who meet her for the first time and haven't heard her stories.

Her art work is very Tracy Emin-esque, full of subjective, dramatic confessions, thoughts and emotions all relating to herself. Listening to her recount some trip to the corner shop to buy milk becomes some ordeal or drama. She can be quite exhausting listening to her if you aren't in the right mood.

She's got much worse as she has got older as she has more history to tell...'In the 90s, blah, blah, blah.' She can't stop herself... to the point that she'll tell anyone her life story, at bus stops, in shops, in queues, etc... it's almost like verbal emotional diarrhoea.

I don't know why she does it. Watching and listening to her, it looks almost compulsive. I wonder if she feels she has to be 'ON and entertaining' all the time, whether it is addictive talking about herself or whether she thinks people find her of immense interest because she is an artist or she's just filling a void of some sort.

A lot of posters mention social anxiety as a reason for dominating / interrupting.

Part of the trouble with social anxiety is there’s a tendency to approach every encounter on a singleminded mission to extract acceptance / approval from others. Whether that’s by means of making sure there are no gaps in the conversation, or trying to entertain everyone, or whatever you imagine the universal trick is to making people like you.

But ultimately it’s about mining every social situation for a desirable feeling (belonging, approval, being ‘good enough’ etc), rather than actually being interested in the people you’re talking to. So instead of listening, you’re manically performing the actions that you hope will get you the response you’re after, to manage your anxiety.

And people feel this, and feel the lack of genuine curiosity or interest in anything about them apart from their ‘approval’ or ‘acceptance’. Which means there’s not much realistic prospect of a fulfilling, reciprocal friendship.

Incidentally, lots of people I know who struggle with this don’t particularly enjoy socialising, often find other people boring and superficial, and prefer their own company, exploring their own thoughts and interests. I wonder if they’d feel happier recognising that they’re just not actually very interested in other people, and they don’t really want to do all the stuff that having friends involves, and that’s OK and they can feel freer just to opt out of social things.

Good post. People think that their shyness or anxiety ‘excuses’ the behaviour, but the fact is, the effect on the other person or people is pretty much the same as if the shy/anxious person was just too self-obsessed or arrogant to notice the other people as individuals with their own needs — what they are encountering is someone entirely focused on themselves and the effect they are having, and who simply doesn’t see the other people because they’re too busy thinking ‘How am i coming across?’ and ‘Do they like me?’ And yes, it comes across as a lack of interest and engagement, because the shy/anxious person is, in fact, thinking primarily about themselves.

I think this is possibly behind quite a few of those who struggle with friendship.

I think those of us who grew up in very big families feel like silence is an atmosphere.It was for us when mum was in one of her moods.
Sometimes I think it is a verbal stim as holding it in feel like I may burst.
Sometimes it is just a distraction from where we are.
Some people like it and hide behind the chatty colleague who will chat to anyone.
Others hate it..
Insightful thread though.

@Bunnyhair that's an interesting take

😂