Thought process of people who dominate conversations

[Mygobissmacked]

I’ve always wondered what people like you are thinking when you constantly interrupt others, or turn discussions into a monologue about you regardless of whether your point is relevant to the discussion.

Especially in a setting where a group has just met for the first time. Example: at a new hobby group Person A to B: ‘You’re a travel agent, that sounds fun. I’m thinking of going to a Spanish island and would like a mix of mountains and beach but not touristy, where would you recommend”? B: “Ooh I don’t think you could go wrong with Forme-” C really loudly “I make an amazing paella!! I add a secret ingredient and my friend said it’s the BEST they’ve ever had!!”

Not sure how many replies I’ll get from those that do it, but what is going on in your head where you think let me butt in even though I wasn’t asked or my comment has nothing to do with the conversation. Is it because you think you’re the most important person in the room and only your voice matters? Is it boredom? A need to be liked? Why?

I think neurodiversity sometimes the culprit (?)

If someone really wanted to share on connected-to-the-conversation-for-them paella idea, when would the right time be for them to flag it?

1. Never, not relevant and selfish
2. At end of associated travel conversation?
3. Later in conversation as an aside?

If someone has a ‘bursting’ idea or addition to make to a group conversation do you ration your ideas? Not give them?

Problem with option 3 above is you look like a weirdo, moment has passed?

I would guess that people like that don't realise they are like that, so don't have any thought process justifying it.
I have no evidence to back this up but I think that if you asked people to estimate what % of the words they spoke in a conversation, they'd underestimate, and wouldn't think they dominated.

A friend does this and I think it stems from a need to be liked (even though it results in the opposite)

We have a friend who does this a lot. I think with her it's because she thinks people genuinely need to know the minutiae of her story, and that it will be very interesting to them.

I think Cs just making conversation in a new group. Person A or B could still continue their discussion, oh yes paella is on of the best things about going to Spain etc etc.

I think there’s often a misconception that ‘interjectors’ are always braggarts. Group conversations, especially if more than about four of you, are tricky to navigate.

I do it. There's no thought process, I've just got lots of interesting stuff to say.

@MorrisZapp do you think people think you monopolise? Are you witty?

I have a friendship group of 4, one girl dominates every social gathering. We meet for brunches, lunches and 90% of it is her chatting doom and gloom. I know people are saying they don’t realise but she MUST. She must see that she has talked the most and no one knows how Sarah’s job is going or if Claire has moved. It drives me nuts. Last time we met I had ‘news’ that trumped her usual woes, but we spoke about it for 10mins because we spent so long on her news. Drives me mad.

I do it often, I have adhd and autism and I don’t mean to do it but I feel like conversations are like word association, someone says something and it makes my brain think of something (and how much it obviously relates to the conversation to somebody else can vary as sometimes the word association going on in my head has many tangents) and then I feel like I have to blurt it out. I try not to interrupt but I often do it without thinking. I am more aware of myself in conversations as I get older than when I was younger and do try and stop myself from being like this in conversations but there are still times I don’t catch myself until afterwards. I do hate the way I am in conversations and I do try and avoid social situations outside of my closest friends as best I can because I do know how awful it is for other people, I don’t lack self awareness completely I just often lack it in the moment so it’s only afterwards I can see how rude or awful I was. Luckily I have quite bad social anxiety now so I don’t socialise with too many new people and the friends I have don’t seem to mind or are used to me now, some know I have an adhd diagnosis and so I think give a bit of leeway.

I am aware that because very very few people know about my autism diagnosis and only close friends and colleagues my adhd one most people probably just think I’m rude which is why I do try and avoid socialising as best I can, but obviously it is hard for example at work where I have to talk to people and have to find the balance between making conversation and seeming rude for getting it wrong or avoiding people in the staff room etc but then looking rude and stand offish for not being friendly! Socialising often feels like a lose-lose situation and I do play over conversations and all the rude things I may have said afterwards (usually for days, sometimes for weeks or months) and do feel really bad about it but it’s like in the moment I just can’t get a handle on how to converse like a normal person would.

@Moveoverdarlin is she alpha in the group?

I did it to an extent as a teen. Then I realised that not everyone needed to hear all my stories however interesting they might be😆

I'm genuinely very witty and interesting. But yes, I do sometimes dominate and I often think back after an evening with friends and think christ, you did it again you idiot.

I go on an annual girls trip and we literally take turns to speak. I'm extremely conscious of letting others have the floor, I'm particularly good at this while sober.

If someone has a ‘bursting’ idea or addition to make to a group conversation do you ration your ideas? Not give them

Yes I understand that but I’m not talking about one offs, the people I’m referring to are those that interjects all the time every conversation. Even if it’s a topic they don’t know anything about or not relevant.

A lot of people with ADHD or ASD do this. We don’t mean to. I find it crippingly embarrassing. I hate myself for it so no need to be so critical. Just because the innate rules of socialising come naturally to you does not mean that there’s not a significant minority of neurodiverse people who are trying their very best to navigate them. I try really really hard but despite being medicate for adhd I still struggle with impulsive speech.

My DM does this. She feels responsible for the success of the conversation, as if it is her job to entertain the other person.

Impulsivity due to ADHD and a desire to be liked and accepted. Probably caused by low self esteem, not helped by having ADHD. A fun mix!

I have recently got to know two people like this, one a new work colleague and one is a mum of my child's friend. Every single conversation will very quickly revert to being about them no matter what the topic.

I've noticed it when I'm talking to them, but also when others are (so it can't just be that I'm incredibly boring...) sometimes to the point of rudeness. For example, once with another friend who was discussing a fairly serious health issue, but he was cut off so the person could witter on about their experience of a much more trivial concern. First friend just ended up sitting there silently, until I pointedly interjected to ask about his diagnosis.

I now play a little game in my head when I'm talking to either of them where I see how long it takes for them to start taking about themselves, or how many mentions of themselves they manage to make across the length of the conversation. Meanwhile, I just nod and let them ramble on whilst inwardly singing "It's all about you, it's all about you baby!" in my head.

I can relate to this. I'm expected to be chatty and entertaining so if there's a lull or a conversational cul de sac I'm usually first to come to the rescue. If I'm on poor form or not feeling lively, people look at me as if to say 'don't just sit there, say something'.

DH does this, with me and with others. It bothers me so I brought it up a few times.

We good-naturedly agreed that we would record a number of our conversations, and then pick a couple to review together (it was a bit of a joke/game).

We each estimated beforehand how much each of us had spoke, then reviewed the recording. DH estimated he spoke 40% of the time. He was absolutely shocked when we listed to the recording to find he spoke 90 to 95% of the time.

I've only just realised in the last couple of yrs I do this.
I part I have hideous anxiety that I've had therapy for so I do ramble on.
Also awaiting ADHD assessment as I often interrupt,getting thoughts bursting out which if I don't butt in will be gone.
Sometimes I just bang on as I'm super excited about something.
I'm working on it and stopping myself when I notice I'm doing these things more.

I'm ND and often find it hard to judge when there is a natural gap in the conversation because I'm bad at picking up non-verbal cues (body language, facial expression, tone).

There is also a desire to be liked and establish some kind of connection with others in the conversation. In your example - 'A&B obviously like Spain and Spanish culture; I need to show them I like Spanish things too, so they will like me.'

"Not sure how many replies I’ll get from those that do it, but what is going on in your head where you think let me butt in even though I wasn’t asked or my comment has nothing to do with the conversation. Is it because you think you’re the most important person in the room and only your voice matters? Is it boredom? A need to be liked? Why?"

OK OP, so you've had some very honest and heartfelt replies on this thread from some people who do this, and the struggles they face. What do you think now?

Needing to get the words out before their train of thought is lost?

It's the only thing out of the conversation that they can actually contribute to?

Trying to rescue the poor bloody travel agent/IT manager/doctor/teacher from having to spend their free time recommending holiday itineraries/setting up a home network/diagnosing a rash on somebody's arse/being grilled about why teachers have jolly old INSET days when they should be teaching the Darling Offspring of the Parish?