Thought process of people who dominate conversations

[Mygobissmacked]

I’ve always wondered what people like you are thinking when you constantly interrupt others, or turn discussions into a monologue about you regardless of whether your point is relevant to the discussion.

Especially in a setting where a group has just met for the first time. Example: at a new hobby group Person A to B: ‘You’re a travel agent, that sounds fun. I’m thinking of going to a Spanish island and would like a mix of mountains and beach but not touristy, where would you recommend”? B: “Ooh I don’t think you could go wrong with Forme-” C really loudly “I make an amazing paella!! I add a secret ingredient and my friend said it’s the BEST they’ve ever had!!”

Not sure how many replies I’ll get from those that do it, but what is going on in your head where you think let me butt in even though I wasn’t asked or my comment has nothing to do with the conversation. Is it because you think you’re the most important person in the room and only your voice matters? Is it boredom? A need to be liked? Why?

In my experience -

Nerves/anxiety
Neurodivergent so find social cues and how to interact more difficult
Narc
A dickhead

Some people keep their lips moving so they never have to feel their feelings or be alone in their head. The misery braggarts are the worst IMO. So rude and selfish to rant on about their perceived problems, treating the rest of the group like an unpaid therapy session! I have left groups due to individuals like this who no one seemed able to make them shut up and take turns speaking or maybe LISTEN for once in their life. That type of person really ruins the group for everyone.

I know someone who does this. His heart is in the right place but its infuriating and rude, in his case. I belive for him it stems from insecurity and unmedicated bipolar, or whatever its called now. He only really does it noticabley when hes on one of his manic phases.

I had this the other day in a work context and I wondered "really? What is your thinking in doing that?". It was in an online lecture, there was a strict time of only an hour and the speaker said that they would have a few minutes at the end for questions. He said we could put the questions in the chat box, or raise our hand and turn on our microphone to speak. I put a question in the chat and it was answered. Several others had also put questions in the chat, but one woman put up her hand to speak, so he went to her next.

She proceeded to talk for a full five minutes about something she had done/thought which was only loosely related to the subject at hand. No question, just her observations in the form of a mini lecture about her own experience to everyone else. Not particularly interesting or instructive, all about herself, and barely relevant to what had been an interesting talk which had, as we could all see in the chat, generated quite a few interesting questions.

After her contribution there was no time for anyone else's questions to be addressed. I suppose she didn't come away from the session thinking she had been a self-centred arse, but I just don't understand people like that.

This is me! I think I have ADHD. I seem to have a social circle of other friends with ADHD and we all do this simultaneously to each other and it’s fine - we laugh about it.

I actually went over this in therapy and did some talking exercises. There is a physical lump in my throat when I have to hold my thoughts. I am constantly battling with myself NOT to do it. The more engaged I am with you the MORE i do it. It’s just like my mouth and brain are connected.

I know it’s rude and I try really hard not to - I am just enjoying the convo. If it makes you feel better I spend ages mentally replaying most social interactions in my head and wondering if I spoke too much/behaved badly/interrupted.

I have ADHD and I do it. My thought process is usually

'Hmm she's talking about her sandwich...I should tell her about my sandwich to keep the conversation going, my sandwich has chicken in it...I might forget to say it, must remember about the chicken....I'm going to forget it, must say it, must say now before i forget....'

Which results in a conversation that goes

"Yeah so I was eating my sandwich and this guy comes over and starts telling me about this exhibition which sounds fabulous, it has..."
"I HAVE A CHICKEN SANDWICH"

My ND relative is like this sometimes. They really struggle with two way conversations and are anxious in group situations, so will pick a subject they know and overcompensate by splurging it all out in one go. It's not deliberate, their other default position is to say nothing. They can't win really! Some people just like the sound of their own voice of course. It's not always a conscious choice though.

This is me as well - in my case it's a case of getting a bit overenthusiastic and really wanting to make my point then and there. I am a lot better now than I used to be though, and only tend to do it with people I know really well, and often catch myself doing it and apologise!

I think it is very different to people who dominate conversations and make it all about themselves though, I'm perfectly happy to go back to the conversation when I've made my point.

@Withswitch so people mistakenly think you are not listening or following the conversation?

It’s about self awareness if you do it, this mitigates the inappropriateness to some extent. Using humour, apologising with a smile. Etc. Where ADHD meets autism can be more problematic.

I took an elderly lady to a lecture. In the Q&A she dominated & rambled off topic. Very on the ball generally & this surprised me & I cringed for her. In the end the lecturer got very terse with her. She just didn’t see it

Is that you Mother? It certainly has the stench of your hobby: “Sitting in Judgement” about it.

So how about we reverse roles today and make you and your actions accountable to a group of people who cannot be satisfied, but will sit in sanctimony with the fake, passive aggressive, bemused schtick.
We know (Mother and/or OP) how much you enjoy rubbishing people for what they say; how they say it; the embarrassment they cause you by speaking at all; their defective character if they choose not to engage.

Do you think no one here has lived under your type of regime. I talk to people as an explicit rejection of everything about your ilk.

Yep and I just come across unbearably rude but it is so difficult to control. Like a pp said I either do it or I have to stay silent and then explode in conversation when I get home.

Yes I found the tone of the OP quite horrible too. It's why I worry so much about what kind of life my lovely, struggling, misunderstood relative will have around intolerant, narrow minded attitudes like this.

If I don't interrupt I'll never get the chance to speak is probably what's going through my mind - it happens too quickly to reflect. I think it come from my upbringing.
I spent a few months in Spain and everybody interrupts there :)

DP, I am almost 100% certain, has ADHD (other family members are diagnosed). He interrupts constantly and even changes the subject in the middle of what I'm saying. All the thoughts in his brain are jostling for the exit route through his gob😆 He does try not to interrupt, but I can see he is absolutely bursting at the seams to say what's in his head. It puts me on edge and makes me flustered, so I end up talking very fast and tripping over my words. He also starts randomly talking about some actor or news story or whatever and doesn't pause for breath until it's all out, regardless of whether I'm dying of boredom. I know why it happens and I try very, very hard to be understanding, but I have to admit, it is hard.

That's the fault of whoever was chairing, I presume the lecturer himself.

Ooooo that's interesting @JustPleachy

What was the outcome? Was he embarrassed/shocked? Has he changed his conversational skills?

@Withswitch I understand the "chicken sandwich" situation and have to stop myself doing this. I often have a list in my head of things I would have thrown into a conversation at the end. I actively remind myself that people like being asked follow up questions to force myself to listen.

I struggled to make friends until I was in my 20s as I'd either say nothing or interrupt lots. Now I try to only pick relevant parts from my list (but it's a struggle).

I wish we communicated telepathically in a mesh of thoughts so we didn't need to line conversations up in logical orders.

@Withswitch does alcohol help or hinder?

For those that struggle is ‘writing’ easier? Do people say your texts are too long?

Those that struggle do you find you fit more effortlessly with generally fascinating, fun super interesting people? Struggling more with the reverse? Sometimes I suspect I am guilty of creating my own entertainment ;)

I can do this, also an AuDHDer. I'm better at stopping myself as I get older.

It can also be a way of showing empathy. Someone may be talking about something happening to them, and you scramble round in your brain to find something similar to show that you understand. Unfortunately, it can come across as negating their experience but that's really not the intention.

I'm very open about my neurodivergence and happy for friends or colleagues to reign me in. They just say my name a few times, smile at me and I can then pause and get back into the room so to speak.

Basically, it's because we want to relate to others. We just have a different way of doing it.

For those that struggle is ‘writing’ easier? Do people say your texts are too long?

This is interesting! DP (who, I mentioned above, probably has ADHD) writes texts that are like essays. He is oblivious to the world around him as he writes them. They are very long and stuffed full of information. If he sends one of these to his brother (who is actually diagnosed with ADHD), his brother doesn't read it properly because he gets bored after one sentence. Then he replies about something completely different which drives DP up the wall😆 He and his siblings all talk at cross purposes when they're together. It's like word soup. I get very confused.

I know somebody who just rabbits on. It’s very boring.

she had pet subjects
Her fabulous hair
Her fabulous nails
Her fabulous figure
How clever she is
How beautiful she is

It’s beyond tedious.

I had such a similar conversation to this recently with a friend. The truth is nobody wanted her to "rescue" the conversation as it meant no processing time and possibly slower conversation from other people. I've really grown to appreciate lulls on conversation as it gives some other people chance to get their turn.

I have a friend who does this. He lives alone and I think spends so long not being able to talk with others that he forgets the art of conversation.
He’s lovely though so no one minds.