Thought process of people who dominate conversations

[Mygobissmacked]

I’ve always wondered what people like you are thinking when you constantly interrupt others, or turn discussions into a monologue about you regardless of whether your point is relevant to the discussion.

Especially in a setting where a group has just met for the first time. Example: at a new hobby group Person A to B: ‘You’re a travel agent, that sounds fun. I’m thinking of going to a Spanish island and would like a mix of mountains and beach but not touristy, where would you recommend”? B: “Ooh I don’t think you could go wrong with Forme-” C really loudly “I make an amazing paella!! I add a secret ingredient and my friend said it’s the BEST they’ve ever had!!”

Not sure how many replies I’ll get from those that do it, but what is going on in your head where you think let me butt in even though I wasn’t asked or my comment has nothing to do with the conversation. Is it because you think you’re the most important person in the room and only your voice matters? Is it boredom? A need to be liked? Why?

Op,what was the thought process behind your post? What is your aim? Was it to vaguely chastise people you don't even know? Why?

I had a boyfriend who did this (not for long). I think he genuinely had no social awareness. He wouldn't notice that he was the only one laughing at his 'jokes'. He wouldn't notice that I'd taken my phone out and started scrolling. He wouldn't notice that I'd stopped even giving him the courtesy of an oh really. He was literally a human radio.

One time he patiently explained how the congestion charge worked to me for an hour. No matter how many times I told him that I knew all about it because it was my job to know about it, he continued gracing me with his half baked facts about how it worked.

It won't surprise you to know that he then narrowly avoided getting a fine by failing to register to go into it and was only saved that because I stepped in.

I should have let him get fined, in hindsight.

I agree loneliness or inability to share can lead to info dumping.
Often it can be just a desire to connect.
So many ADHD people responding I feel justified in my wanting a diagnosis.

Nothing ‘narrow-minded’ or ‘intolerant’ about it. Other people aren’t obliged to make endless exceptions for a monologuer, regardless of why they do it. My father is likely to be ND, though not diagnosed and now in his 80s, and will harangue total strangers in car parks about his dental treatment for twenty minutes. I just tell him to stop. My godson, with a diagnosis of autism, set himself to learn, very consciously, in his teens, how to understand social cues, and how to tell he was boring someone. I remember sitting with him and acting out the part of someone trying to get away from a monologuer, exaggerating my body language etc.

I'm tee total, partly because of talking too much at work events. In hindsight maybe it doesn't make a difference though!

I write for work (researcher) and I am bizarrely very succinct and often my biggest challenge is writing more. I am also fantastic at editing my colleagues' work to get rid of all the unnecessary bits.

I'd never thought of that juxtaposition before!

@Mabelface yes! That’s it, advice & own experiences to try & lessen another’s emotional turmoil & pain. Not oneupmanship, how do the neurotypical offer emotional support in similar circumstances?

@Withswitch I think us ‘afflicted’ are often unusually smart ( & modest ;) ).

Although looking at my circle often doesn’t translate to top scores in public exams.

I have a colleague that does this, in every team meeting, in every conversation. It's incredibly wearing and hinders proper conversation. She knows she does it but doesn't seem able to stop. It makes any collaborative working with her near impossible.

Re: monologuers, I find some of these endlessly fascinating if witty or well informed.

I used to do this. I still do but at 50 I’m now better trained. I’m in a c-suite position so accidentally I’ve managed to get to a role where I’m expected to dominate meetings and conversations and I do wonder sometimes whether it is part of a self-fulfilling prophecy.
However for me, I do know that I do it especially when I am really excited by a person - I like them a lot, they are interesting, funny, kind whatever - it’s like my way of showing them love. It’s so odd as I have to force myself to hold it in. Otherwise I’m an arse. It’s taken me decades.

I agree with this. I have a lovely friend who does this constantly and I feel like she just can't help it sometimes. She's a really kind, caring individual but she just always dominates any conversation. But we love her and we know it's just her way.

Another one with AuDHD who does this. I have tried to train myself not to, and am usually quite good. Though I’m happiest with good friends who are also neurodiverse where we can collectively go off on tangents and finish one another’s sentences.

Great example of how you can make something someone's said all about you (its all about you baby.. as pp said!)

Yes

My dad did this and maybe it was ND and maybe it wasn’t and I’m sure he couldn’t help it. It didn’t make it any less painful though!

This, but is interesting how some posters are seemingly saying 'how dare you not accept being monologued at! If you don't shut up and accept this you are a cruel, evil person. Your thoughts and feelings on things don't count.'

I think they are often nervous and want to be liked. They are looking to connect with others and the interruptions are.their enthusiasm

I am a bit like this- tend to overcompensate by talking too much

I do this. For me it's nerves/anxiety and I'm also quite lonely and never get to chat with people. So when I do, I'm keen to share.

I try really, really hard not to and will often overanalyse afterwards and get very anxious about having done it and people thinking I'm annoying. I'll usually end up crying about it and vowing to never socialise again as they probably hate me.

It's not fun :(. It's so odd. You'd think being introverted and socially awkward I would just sit there quietly, but no, it's the opposite.

I have friends like this, ADHD. I like it as I just can’t think of anything to say.

That sounds really hard for you

Me too 😂 I think some of it is I am so hyper aware of everything that’s being said none of it washes over me. I have an awesome memory. I can recite conversations very precisely which is incredibly useful in my role were accuracy is important.

It gets more difficult the more comfortable you get around someone doesn’t it? It’s taken me a long while to realise that the friends I gel with the most are ND.

There’s a school mum like this. Specialist school. This particular mum is clearly ND. Talks all the time and seems to have an anxious compulsion to prevent anyone else from speaking. It’s as though someone else trying to say something makes her panic and she just talks loudly over them. Can’t let anyone leave the conversation either. She will follow people out of the car park still talking a mile a minute at them, with seemingly no awareness how oppressive this is for others.

She clearly can’t help it, but it is so stressful to be around her. She seems to want friends but have zero interest in other people except as receptacles for her torrent of words. I often wonder how she and her DP managed to get together and what their relationship is like.

I worked with someone lots of people moaned about because she was a monologuer, I used to like meeting her because it was relaxing not having to do much work in the conversation! I just said 'yes' 'no' and asked a few questions.

In her case I have no idea why. She has a kind heart though, so her monologues were nice ones.

I give too much detail in written communication too. But I often review and take half of it out.