Thought process of people who dominate conversations

[Mygobissmacked]

I’ve always wondered what people like you are thinking when you constantly interrupt others, or turn discussions into a monologue about you regardless of whether your point is relevant to the discussion.

Especially in a setting where a group has just met for the first time. Example: at a new hobby group Person A to B: ‘You’re a travel agent, that sounds fun. I’m thinking of going to a Spanish island and would like a mix of mountains and beach but not touristy, where would you recommend”? B: “Ooh I don’t think you could go wrong with Forme-” C really loudly “I make an amazing paella!! I add a secret ingredient and my friend said it’s the BEST they’ve ever had!!”

Not sure how many replies I’ll get from those that do it, but what is going on in your head where you think let me butt in even though I wasn’t asked or my comment has nothing to do with the conversation. Is it because you think you’re the most important person in the room and only your voice matters? Is it boredom? A need to be liked? Why?

for me it's shyness, which I know sounds weird, but I find gaps in conversation pretty awkward and overcompensate!

This made me smile 😊
I don't think that's what most posters are talking about though. I've known a few people who are just waiting for their turn to speak because what they have to say is so much more important. They have no interest in what I'm saying and they aren't actually listening

I swing between too anxious to join in and so keen to get a pertinent (ish) fact into the conversation. If I feel I have been too enthusiastic/cut off someone else/or otherwise annoyed people I will say 'Don't mind my waffle, I don't get out much!' or some such thing. I've got better over the years; don't seem to annoy many these days.

Guilty of this but I am making a real effort to listen . Mine comes from being talked over and shutdown as a kid .

I think ADHD and social anxiety.

I do this but in my defence I have worked as a dentist for thirty-five years and it is out of habit since conversation is somewhat one sided at work. Also talking about mundane every day events tend to have a calming hypnotic effect on patients.
However, I find it easy to chat to people in social situations. My DF was a well liked easy to talk to man and I once asked him how he managed to chat to all and everyone. His tip was that people love talking about themselves so you just keep asking questions. It makes them feel interesting and you learn a lot about them particularly if they show no interest in you.

That's a very spiteful opening post.

Nobody is perfect. Including yourself op. Including me. I've always absolutely tolerated on this on the basis that they're not actually doing it to be spiteful, I've always just assumed it's a thought in their head that they're worried they will forget if they don't say it immediately. The kind thing to do, if you are able to hold thoughts in your head, is to go with the person who cants, topic.

I know a couple of people like this in work. No matter what you're saying if i'ts more than a one on one conversation they'll interject before you've finished speaking. It's annoying, especially as I'm quietly spoken and they're naturally loud, so people hear their voice above mine. So half the time I just trail off mid-sentence and let them talk, and people's attention is switched to them. If I forget the word I'm looking for an pause for a couple of seconds, that's it, I've lost them and they just talk instead. I can't be bothered with the effort of shouting above them. They do it because they are more senior to everyone else and I think like the attention really. It's tricky because if I wait for THEM to finish talking then they're halfway out their room back to their office, so a lot of the time I have to call them back to finish what I want to ask them. It's just their personality. They are good fun a social gatherings if you're into that sort of thing.

People like that have no self awareness so will read the op and never think of themselves.

I don’t think it’s spiteful. It’s really frustrating to be talked over all the time. That is a valid frustration, as is the frustration of not being able to contain one’s speech / read social cues. One set of people doesn’t have the monopoly on feelings of frustration, or some sort of moral right to it that others don’t have.

Some people can’t help dominating conversations, and those people are well represented on this thread and on MN and on the internet in general, and have given helpful accounts of their experience.

There may be other people, however, in the OP’s life who are just solipsistic bores who like the sound of their own voice. Those people also exist!

There are SOME people who absolutely don't like anyone saying ANYTHING at all while they're speaking. And I mean anything. So a "oh, you poor thing, that must have been awful" said in empathy and in a quiet voice so you're not drowning them out, results in them suddenly speaking much louder which is clealry a message to tell you to shut up and be silent while they're talking. Like you would with a child.

People are weird.

Except many people have and have offered some insight.

I do this all the time and I'm ASD.

I wasn't non-verbal as a child but I spoke extremely quietly and people almost never heard me. When I was 10 I accidentally spoke really loudly one day while cracking a joke, and people heard me and laughed, and I loved the feeling.

After that I practised and practised and got better at talking and turn taking.

However, I'm still pretty crap and tend to talk too much and dominate the conversation. At the school gate people used to chat to me once, and then every time afterwards they just pretended that they couldn't see me.

I don't really manage to make friends very well, but I do quite well as the chairperson of voluntary organisations. I've had a lot of jobs like that and I am quite good at it.

I'm a biomedical research scientist by profession and have won awards for robotics design, so I'm not an idiot, but small talk is really really challenging for me.

BTW, OP, Yes people who dominate conversations will definitely answer you on this, but good luck if you want to get a word in edgeways. LOL!

Also I have an ASD friend who used to be even worse than me and we found out that he was almost completely deaf. He is much much better since we got him a hearing aid.

I have another ASD friend who carries on talking long after everyone has left the room. That's a shame for him I think.

I have never added so many "Thanks" within one thread before. (Backs away, amused but slightly concerned).

🙊🕊💐

I once sat next to a guy at dinner who was ASD and he never spoke at all. I got completely panicked by all the long silences and ended up talking non-stop about yachting for an hour. I've never even been on a yacht.

I also used to have a pub friend who was ASD and could only form sentences if there was someone at the table who would reliably talk over him all the the time. If there was complete silence he couldn't talk at all and just stuttered incoherently. I got on like a house on fire with him, and we were both able to listen and talk at the same time, while discussion two entirely different subjects.

Sorry I can't stop talking on this thread now. Some one will have to brick me.

I'm not sure about all the time, I hope not, lol. But I'm hyper extrovert and get a bit carried away, asking questions, then blabbering on. It's certainly not conscious but I think it's through my extreme anxiety. I'm kind of overcompensating maybe. I also find a very reserved, very 'british' polite group who only make really awkward small talk absolutely excruciating, so I guess it's a bit cultural as well. I hope I don't dominate but I fear I can do if others are reserved.

In your example, no one is dominating the conversation. Three people chip in with what they feel is relevant to the chat. You might not like that C is a bit boastful or a bit off-topic but they aren't dominating unless they then don;t shut up.

I know people who just monologue, who you have to literally shout over, saying their name several times just to get a word in edgeways that you have to leave the room as dinner is burning/they have got the date of your meet up wrong so all the plans they are making won't work for the actual day etc etc. You can't even chip in with basic info because the monologue just runs on and on.

@Mygobissmacked BTW the trick to fixing this problem is to say "Okay, that's great, stop talking now. " while holding the flat of your hand up as a stop sign.

You can do that over and over again if necessary.

Finally say "NO, really, STOP!" quite loudly, if necessary.

You recipient will thank you.

I have a friend who goes into long monologues mostly about people I don't know, and I'm not quite sure why she does it. I think she is a bit scared of comfortable pauses / silence in conversations or doesn't like talking about herself, so just takes on these big long narratives about other people's lives. I find it strange. She is a charismatic, confident, funny person with lots to give to a conversation, and I just feel like saying "I invited you round to my house and have cooked us a nice meal so we can catch up - I don't want to hear about your mates I've never met!!".

In this example though you weren't adding to a conversation about sandwiches, you were so desperate to say your thing that you didn't listen properly then talked over her.

I'm autistic and DH is ADHD so I'm not unaware of Neurodiversity, but not listening properly is just rude. It's a skill that can be learned, and it will improve your communication no end.

There really isn't any excuse for blurting random irrelevant thoughts at people when they are trying to talk to you.

I don't disagree. I genuinely try, I really do. Working with people in person I've had to start being silent or only asking questions . Anything more and I know I'll launch into something irrelevant.

I have found for example hybrid working helps because I will type out what I want to say and have it there so I don't forget. And by the time I've done that it's actually not relevant but the other person at least sees me nodding along.

It does make me cringe a lot, I spend hours/days worrying about every time I've been to work or at a social occasion like pp said.

I actually think it's got worse with age though as when I was younger I was a lot more shy.

I do this sometimes and it's a lack of confidence and worrying about keeping the conversation going. I try not to, and if I've caught myself interrupting once I try not to do it again, or if I do do it again, I apologise and ask them to keep talking.

I do know of someone who does it, and it feels like you're in an one-sided interrogation because they'll shoot a question then immediately go into a long monologue about their opinion. I come out exhausted!

Your post comes across as extremely rude.

The post you are commenting on was clearly self-aware and appologetic.

That was a "reading between the lines" fail from you. You need to listen more.