Thought process of people who dominate conversations

[Mygobissmacked]

I’ve always wondered what people like you are thinking when you constantly interrupt others, or turn discussions into a monologue about you regardless of whether your point is relevant to the discussion.

Especially in a setting where a group has just met for the first time. Example: at a new hobby group Person A to B: ‘You’re a travel agent, that sounds fun. I’m thinking of going to a Spanish island and would like a mix of mountains and beach but not touristy, where would you recommend”? B: “Ooh I don’t think you could go wrong with Forme-” C really loudly “I make an amazing paella!! I add a secret ingredient and my friend said it’s the BEST they’ve ever had!!”

Not sure how many replies I’ll get from those that do it, but what is going on in your head where you think let me butt in even though I wasn’t asked or my comment has nothing to do with the conversation. Is it because you think you’re the most important person in the room and only your voice matters? Is it boredom? A need to be liked? Why?

It really wasn’t. It was direct but polite, and informative.

I think I am the same as you, except not really an extrovert, more of an introvert that turns a bit extrovert as I try to keep the conversation going due to feeling awkward around gaps in conversation. I completely agree with you about polite "british" culture, I find it excruciating too! I wish I lived in a more open and friendly society, I fit in much better in some other countries that are more so. I am also naturally curious about other people so often ask questions to keep conversation going, but also to learn about them. I try not to be intrusive but I think if you show interest in others it is the polite thing to do (provided you're not being prying or too intense). But I often find that people in conversation ask zero questions back which I find very offputting and a bit rude TBH. I get if they are trying not to pry but I also think everyone should show a little interest in the person they are chatting to, some questions are part and parcel of a two way conversation. In these situations I tend to overcompensate more.

Agree with this 100%!

SO I HAVE THIS GREAT STORY , LET ME TELL U ABOUT IT.....

Lol!!!

Yes I have my answers. What I can see from just this thread people can be (mostly) placed in three groups:
ND people who find it difficult reading social cues or controlling what they say - understood
People with social anxiety - understood
Selfish dickheads - do not understand

I grew up with a mum who was life and soul of the party, hated any kind of attention that was on my sibling and I and always brought things back to focus on her. A team member at work always monopolises meetings and our days in the office and this is causing issues at work. She’s not ND ad this is something she definitely would have told us. Someone above said to say stop really loudly or put your hand up. My line manager did do something like that once and the colleague burst into tears and made an HR complaint about bullying. Morale in our department is low because of her. When a I wrote my post it wasn’t from a place of spite or intolerance. The people around me are causing me to feel hurt, rejected, frustrated and invisible but from some of the above responses I can see it’s a me problem. So I’ll just have to put up and -literally- shut up.

Snap.

I have a friend that dominates conversation, be it in a group or 1-2-1.

I do wonder if she’s neuro-diverse as she never picks up on social cues that she’s doing it. It’s also really boring.

I’d love to know the answer to this! A couple of people I know who do it acknowledge they talk too much - but it’s like they’re proud of it or something. I always feel like saying ‘if you know you talk too much then button it, FFS’ but I don’t and instead seethe inwardly which obviously achieves nothing.

@Angrymum22 I ask open questions but people don’t seem to like it? Poss they feel it borders on interrogation?

The 20 somethings & younger I’ve found rarely ask questions in social groups, meeting new people (?)

So shut up, be kind and spoken over?

I can understand your frustration OP. I, generally am more self aware in a professional setting. I’ve had feedback before, delivered constructively and it helped me to work on things.

As with anything personal development is important professionally. Disappointing your colleague makes your meetings more difficult.

No it was rude. You have also portrayed your view as fact, which it isn’t it’s your opinion. I had a different interpretation of their post.

Not liking a message is not the same as it being rude.

Fair enough if it was ‘fgs why don’t you shut up about your sandwich, no one cares!’ but it wasn’t.

My mum is so bad at this that I’m lucky to get three consecutive words out before she interrupts to tell me her story about what I was trying to say, or guess how my story ends, or say whether she would want to do the thing I’m talking about. It’s so frustrating I don’t really bother trying any more, I just let her monologue while I do something else. I think she probably does have autism, she is very bad at reading social cues. She is also genuinely very self absorbed, and I think quite lonely.

I've noticed recently that literally almost everyone I speak to, apart from a couple of lovely mum friends, ends up monologuing at me. I don't know what it is about speaking to me that inspires everyone to talk over me, but there you go.

The art of being generous in conversation is undervalued. Parents should impress on their kids how important it is to listen, ask questions, never monopolise and know when to shut up.

That made me smile. Are you quite a warm, maternal person who people open up to?

Maybe they should also he’s teach empathy. They’re not robots.

A family member does this constantly - it says to me “I’m not listening or interested in what you’re saying, I’m thinking of what I’m about to say” ……. Butting in on the conversation and making it about them because their story is more important, more interesting ……
In their company these days I “grey rock” and don’t bother saying my stuff when they’re around.

Who in the media or which well known figure is brill in the art of conversation? Who is the greatest conversationalist?

Sorry I was quite blunt in that post and could have communicated better (ironic!). I was actually trying to be helpful because I've found I can learn a lot of these skills and by actively making sure I listen to inform what I say, then I stop going off on tangents or conversely holding people to what I think the point is despite them having a different avenue to explore (my rigid autistic thinking at play there).

It's definitely hard and we all have our own challenges, plus NT people haven't got it all sorted either.

I was once accused of dominating by a relative who will ring up, speak at you about herself for the whole conversation, abruptly say she needs to go now and then quickly ask 'you ok?' before hanging up. I think she objected to having a balanced conversation - she knows nothing about me, as she never asks me anything about my life.

The people around me are causing me to feel hurt, rejected, frustrated and invisible but from some of the above responses I can see it’s a me problem. So I’ll just have to put up and -literally- shut up.

I’m not sure if you are aware, but that comes across as rather passive aggressive. Your boss has tried and made a dogs dinner of it, but are you able to handle and steer difficult conversations?

Do you think she is amenable to the message you are trying to give.?

my dh, ds and dd all have adhd and they can sometimes witter on a bit. But, the worst offenders I know at this are (almost certainly) not adhd.
if it was adhd it would be more stream of consciousness type content. The particular people i feel are very annoying are those who (like some other posters have mentioned) make it all about themselves. One person might be talking about something quite significant but the other person butts in with an only vaguely related story of their own and won’t shut up. The motive basically is because they don’t like the attention the other person is getting, it’s insecurity or at an extreme could be narcissism. It’s often a competition, to be the biggest victim or the best at everything too.

My DH does this. Until recently I regarded it as just DH being DH, but then I saw the list of ADHD symptoms and he ticks almost every box. Now it all makes perfect sense!