Dh is in a mood, and said I've ruined his Sunday. Was I unreasonable?

[Winterysun]

We're part of a group of friends, some couples & a few singles. I worked yesterday, and soon after coming home I had a text from dh, saying him & and a few of the men had been for a cycle and stopped at local pub. A few of the men's partners were mow joining them, and did I want to meet them all there.

Tbh I'd had a fairly long day and wasn't bothered about going out again. But knew I'd enjoy seeing them all, so quickly made something to eat, showered and met them all an hour later. It was a really nice evening, only marred by my friend repeating to me what my dh had said to the group. He apparently said he'd 'better' text me, or I'd be upset with him for leaving me out! 🤔

I almost didn't have the energy to go FGS, so I'd hardly have felt 'left out'! I also went because dh sounded as though he wanted me there, not asked me because he 'had to'.

I said this to him this morning, said once I realised he'd asked me out of 'duty' I felt uncomfortable sat there, and I wouldn't have said that to the others about him, why did he about me?

He's turned round and said 'See? This is what happens with all of you, things get repeated and people get upset. Thanks for ruining today!' He's gone into town now, but I shouldn't have just let it go, should I?!

I don’t blame him for being annoyed. Your friend gossiped about him to you, you took her word without question and without knowing context.

If he'd said it as a "joke"-why didn't he just say that to Op?

'See? This is what happens with all of you, things get repeated and people get upset.

Who are "all of you" & "people" in this context Op?

I think it can be taken several ways.

Tbh I really don't like to hear partners say things like this, or being negative about their wives or husbands. I just find it a bit rude. Some people love it tho

But equally, if he's that type of person it could have been a joke and you could have easily laughed it off rather than take it so badly.

But he has to accept if he says things to the group chances are they will get repeated back

This.

He stropped because he meant it.

Well didn't that ruin your Sunday too.?

I wouldn't have made a big deal of it to be honest. It's just a turn of phrase and you're reading too much into it!

Hmmn. I wouldn't have put much credibility on "friend" saying husband said he'd "better text you, or you'll get upset".

Rule no.1. People only do what they really want to do.

If he didn't want you there, he could have easily reasoned it in his own head, that you'd had a long day. He didn't need to tell you other partners were now joining.

He absolutely wanted you there. Because it would have been easier for him to let it slide and not text you, or text you something different to discourage you from attending.

Who is "your friend"??? Because that is not a friend. That is someone who is rude, socially gauche or just crass.

Your husband got he wanted - you joining him. You were both having a lovely time. And then one comment from "friend"???

Yes, you muppet. Stick up for your partner. If you want to go the distance for a lifetime, you act as a team foremost. You don't let a comment from a twat spoil your whole evening.

I honestly think your response and believing more in your "friend" than your husband, is a dent in your relationship. Your husband valued you by wanting you there with him. Just how did you value your husband?

At first, I was thinking that it was the sort of male bravado remark, like calling you "the wife", or the "ball and chain", but it is really disrespectful behaviour.

I would have said something jokey about it to let him know you had been told.

However, his storming off shows that he really is a bit immature.

Based on what you’ve said I think you took this too literally and overreacted. He also overreacted to your overreaction though. Have you been getting on otherwise?

Who knows, he might be low-key criticizing you to the friend group to make you look bad like you're some harpie ball and chain.

Did the friend tell you this in front of the group, or did she tell you this privately?

Thanks again for all your messages. To the poster who asked what dh meant by saying 'Things get repeated and you all get upset', he meant us women. He's said before it's much more straightforward when it's just the men, they mainly talk bikes & beer and it's uncomplicated! I suppose the evening started out with just several of the men and escalated into partners too!

Yes, I felt tense on the Sunday too, would have thought an 'Oh sorry it was just male banter' and a hug would suffice, but no he stormed off! We generally get on fine.

And yes, my 'friend' told me in front of a couple of others who laughed, which made it worse! Maybe it's easier all round if us partners get together separately from the men.

Friend is a shit stirrer, husband is a Mardy, whiny shit who got caught out.

You have friend and husband problems

How did your friend hear about the comment in the first place? Had she and other partners already arrived before he decided to invite you?

Your friend decided to shit-stir, and you overreacted. Have you been upset before when he perhaps hasn't invited you? Because then he's right. Anyway, it's a friend problem. There was no reason to repeat that to you.

I can’t believe the amount of people acting like what he said was ok and your reaction and the way you feel is not valid!

There was no reason to say what he said. If he was joking why put you in the butt of that joke. And if not why did he not want you there!! No need to let all your friends know he doesn’t want you to come.

Then when you are an adult about it and speak to him about your feelings he dismisses you again and makes you to be a problem. I’m guessing he does this a lot. It’s easy to rug sweep to make your life easier but you will only end up feeling worse in the long run.

I’m sorry your husband was a jerk then acted acted like a child.

Your husband is a sexist pig who trash-talks you behind your back and then badmouths the women when one of them lets you know what your "D"H has said.

His behaviour is textbook First Rule Of Misogyny, blaming the women for ratting him out when if he'd spoken about you respectfully there'd be nothing to rat out.

I'm horrified by the number of posters who think that his behaviour is OK.

If your DH didnt want you there he wouldn't have texted you - end off! His remark, like others have said before me, was probably just a jokey remark, but your 'friend' decided to repeat it to you with a sinister twist - beware of stirrers like this, they obviously like to see friction between other couples for fun or to make herself feel better about herself. Apologise to your DH as soon as you can, and say you've had a think about it and realised you probably got it wrong and will try to ignore similar comments from 'friends' in future.

And yes, my 'friend' told me in front of a couple of others who laughed, which made it worse! Maybe it's easier all round if us partners get together separately from the men.

So you're 'friend' was only trying to get a laugh at your expense, not trying to warn you out of concern about what your husband said - who probably didn't mean anything serious in his comment and assumed all present were mature enough to take the slightly humorous comment for what it was, not use as a 'weapon' for their own amusement.

I think it's been blown out of all proportion. It is a totally standard turn of phrase/joke. I can imagine saying "I'd better text DH" but still wanting him there. But we have a good relationship, only you know whether there are already issues between you and DH which I'm guessing by your account of your interaction on the Sunday?

Your friend is bitchy and stirring. There was zero need to tell you that and you don't know how it was said, you're choosing to believe the account of a total shit stirrer.

I'm not surprised your husband would rather not go out with the women tbh. Things get stirred and repeated and now you're upset. He's not wrong, is he? Sounds like a load of drama over nothing.