Dh is in a mood, and said I've ruined his Sunday. Was I unreasonable?

[Winterysun]

We're part of a group of friends, some couples & a few singles. I worked yesterday, and soon after coming home I had a text from dh, saying him & and a few of the men had been for a cycle and stopped at local pub. A few of the men's partners were mow joining them, and did I want to meet them all there.

Tbh I'd had a fairly long day and wasn't bothered about going out again. But knew I'd enjoy seeing them all, so quickly made something to eat, showered and met them all an hour later. It was a really nice evening, only marred by my friend repeating to me what my dh had said to the group. He apparently said he'd 'better' text me, or I'd be upset with him for leaving me out! 🤔

I almost didn't have the energy to go FGS, so I'd hardly have felt 'left out'! I also went because dh sounded as though he wanted me there, not asked me because he 'had to'.

I said this to him this morning, said once I realised he'd asked me out of 'duty' I felt uncomfortable sat there, and I wouldn't have said that to the others about him, why did he about me?

He's turned round and said 'See? This is what happens with all of you, things get repeated and people get upset. Thanks for ruining today!' He's gone into town now, but I shouldn't have just let it go, should I?!

Yes to be mocked or lied about, have words put into your mouth, have your DH make up hypothetical situations or purposely incorrectly predict your reaction in front of friends, even in jest, to the point where you have to explain what was said wasn't true is public humiliation IMO.

Yes you should have just let it go, it was a complete non event and you’re being overly sensitive about a flippant comment. I would translate what he said as him wanting you to be there because everyone else’s OH’s were there too and he felt like a lemon without you

Not very nice of the friend to repeat it. Also, tone of voice is lost in the repeat. I would let it go.

He should have replied, aww no love I didn’t mean it like that! Of course I wanted you there!

And given you a big hug. Instead he’s fucked off sulking like a twat.

Yes, because he got called out for making jokes at her expense which makes me wonder if this is a regular occurrence.

I agree

Surely it’s just a turn of phrase? I went out yesterday and left DH in charge of taking something out of the oven; when I asked one of my DDs if he had done, she replied “Yes - he said he’d have to flee the county and get a new identity otherwise”. He wasn’t trying to imply to our daughter that I was an unhinged, violent bitch - it was a jokey remark. I’d have taken your DH’s comment in the same light, I think.

It may be that he thought you'd be tired from work, so may not feel like going to the pub but "I'd better text her" just in case she does.

It may be that he thought you'd be tired from work, so may not feel like going to the pub but "I'd better text her" just in case she does.

But no need to add that he'll be in trouble if he doesn't.

I highly doubt that this would have bothered me at all.

I wouldn't have wanted to go out again straight after work, so would have declined the invitation. But it's nice to be thought of, surely.

Your "friend" was shit stirring and should be pulled up sharply on it.

Your DH has definitely overreacted. Ruined his Sunday!

I can't really see what he did wrong? He said something perfectly normal, and you've gotten annoyed and blown it out of all proportion.

So yes, I think it's fair enough for him to think you've spoilt his Sunday for no reason.

@Winterysun

I think you may have overreacted and your friend may not be such a good friend.

The context is all. DH could have meant that he'd 'be in trouble' because he thought you'd want to be there and would be unhappy to have missed seeing your friends. Contrariwise, it could be a complaint about 'the old ball and chain'.

Only you know which is more likely and whether or not this 'friend' is a shit stirrer. And whether or not you often put a negative spin on innocent or well meaning things your DH says.

It a well used phrase wouldn’t of thought anything about it let alone drag it next day

I think everyone is getting worked up over nothing.

I'll put a few things straight - I'm no drama queen, far from it tbh! I also don't expect to be included in everything dh does. In fact he sometimes moans that my Saturday work impacts on things we could do together. (It's not every week, but it sometimes clashes with things)!

We also have separate friend groups, not just this one and I'm fairly introverted, quieter than dh I suppose, and my friend who repeated this is one of the more extrovert of this group. I feel she thought it was funny and thought nothing more of it, but I don't like to be talked about as if I'm a controlling drama queen when I'm not, and I've let dh know it! I really enjoyed catching up with everyone, until I heard this comment which spoilt it for me.

No, dh didn't go out with friends today, just picked up sone bits from town. He's been normal since and it hasn't been mentioned again. At least he'll know not to refer to me like that again, though!

'I'll text Winterysun and see if she wants to come' is nice.
'I'd better text her otherwise I'll be in trouble' is NOT!

So op is ‘dramatic’ and her friend is a ‘shit stirring bitch’ but the actual man who said something a bit derogatory and has stormed out in an man-child tantrum is the ‘poor man’? Baffling.

A lot of pick-me responses on here. I think I’d be pretty irritated by his overblown reaction too and no, you absolutely shouldn’t have to ‘leave’ things that piss you off just to avoid upsetting the fragile male ego. (Tbf I knew he’d be a prick as soon as you mentioned cycling!)

agreed.. with friends like this, who needs enemies eh? you over reacted

Your DH didn't do anything wrong and your friend is shit stirring

'I'll text Winterysun and see if she wants to come' is nice.
'I'd better text her otherwise I'll be in trouble' is NOT!

Why do you feel like he meant it in an unpleasant way, though? It seems like a very normal, run of the mill comment to me.

I think this is one of those “context is everything” situations.
It could easily be something my dh would say, and it would be true, I do get a bit of FOMO and freely admit that if dh had an impromptu pub meet-up with our joint I’d want to be in invited. He would say it with warmth and fondness because he loves me and if someone told me I’d laugh and say “too right”.
Do you feel it was not said with fondness @Winterysun? Is there an underlying resentment or tension for you? You clearly feel what you feel but it’s worth reflecting on why you do.

I agree with pp about context.

But also saying that Op would be upset to be left out-that's a bit infantilising isn't it?

If these things happen fairly regularly & it wasn't a once in a lifetime opportunity!

I wouldn’t be annoyed at your partner but I would be annoyed at your friend for shit stirring.

Why add in 'I'd better, or I'll be in trouble'!

Maybe because he often is?

it’s a throwaway comment, a turn of phrase. You’ve completely overreacted.

Maybe the way it was said the friend thought that Op deserved to know?

Or they knew/were hoping a row would happen?