Dh is in a mood, and said I've ruined his Sunday. Was I unreasonable?

[Winterysun]

We're part of a group of friends, some couples & a few singles. I worked yesterday, and soon after coming home I had a text from dh, saying him & and a few of the men had been for a cycle and stopped at local pub. A few of the men's partners were mow joining them, and did I want to meet them all there.

Tbh I'd had a fairly long day and wasn't bothered about going out again. But knew I'd enjoy seeing them all, so quickly made something to eat, showered and met them all an hour later. It was a really nice evening, only marred by my friend repeating to me what my dh had said to the group. He apparently said he'd 'better' text me, or I'd be upset with him for leaving me out! 🤔

I almost didn't have the energy to go FGS, so I'd hardly have felt 'left out'! I also went because dh sounded as though he wanted me there, not asked me because he 'had to'.

I said this to him this morning, said once I realised he'd asked me out of 'duty' I felt uncomfortable sat there, and I wouldn't have said that to the others about him, why did he about me?

He's turned round and said 'See? This is what happens with all of you, things get repeated and people get upset. Thanks for ruining today!' He's gone into town now, but I shouldn't have just let it go, should I?!

It seems to point to another issue. In a happy loving secure marriage this comment could be laughed about. Not in this situation. Sending a hug OP. It's rubbish when you can sense something is off but not what.

agree

YABVU.

if this happened to me, I would have laughed and said to the friend “well yes I would have been annoyed, as I wouldn’t want to miss out on seeing you all”. I literally wouldn’t have minded at all and it wouldn’t have thought anymore than it, other than to tease my husband in return at some point.

tbh it sounds like your husband feels “damned if I do damned if I don’t”, as you’ve managed to get upset even though he did message you.

He was disrespectful about you and you found out. It sounds like it may be something he does often but that may be an unfair assumption.

You found out and asked him why he had said it.

A reasonable person would have realised he had put you down to maintian his status within his friendship group, which is a shitty thing to do and apologised.

The fact that he hasn't apologised but has turned on you in anger as a reaction to being found out speaks volumes. If this is a one-off, maybe he will think about it when he has calmed down and apologise. If this is common behaviour and he always turns his bad behaviour round and blames it on you like this, you'd be wise to consider whether you want to stay in the relationship. It's likely to get worse as you both get more mature and further committed.

It was a normal run of the mill comment. The OP was being over sensitive. But his reaction to being pulled up on it was also over sensitive. God knows how they manage in every day life!

He sounds like one of those blokes who refers to his wife as "the old ball and chain" in front of other people. This is probably the mentality of his friendship group. He doesn't like that you've called him out on his disrespect because he wants to be one of the guys without it getting back to you.

I also don't like that your friend thinks it is funny. Does she think she is a cool girl or something? She was wanted there, but you were only invited out of obligation.

It was a normal run of the mill comment.

It was an unpleasant, mysogynistic comment. It shouldn't be accepted as run-of-the-mill and the OP was quite right to challenge it calmly the next day. This 'ball and chain' attitude belongs in the 1970s.

What a childish thing for him to do. I'd have been passed off too, it's all very "urgh better message her indoors".

Then he turns it round you and man babies about a comment ruining his Sunday. How pathetic.

Context is everything. He could have been saying that jokingly to not look like an idiot if you replied and said you didn't feel like coming out etc. Pride and all that. Honestly its more on your friend for being a shit stirrer. Never take it from someone else, only go on what you see and hear yourself.

Also agree he's had a wierd over reaction though. How do you guys cope day to day ?

I’m with you OP. He was being a bit off talking about you like you are a ball and chain with his friends . The friend was shit stirring to tell you. You could have waiting til you got home and not risen to the bait.
DH totally overreacted saying you had ruined his day.

He should just try not making derogatory comments about you behind your back if he doesn’t want it to happen again.

It's a funny, flippant comment made between close friends who know he loves you and is joking.

You sound hard work. Imagine the person you love more than anyone in the world having to watch their turn of phrase around you to this extent. Sorry, this sounds like exactly the sort of joke me and my husband have together. I agree with other posters that you sound like very different people.

This. OP admits to being annoyed if he hadn't text her, and then is annoyed at him saying she'll be annoyed if he doesn't. The man can't win, and she literally proved his point.

Your friend was shit-stirring, but your h's reaction ('now you've ruined today') was ridiculous. Is he 5?? Can he usually manage to discuss things on the occasions when you disagree??

I'm with OP here. Too many men use this "'er indoors" and "ball-and-chain" rhetoric to describe their wives and it's really contemptuous and misogynist. The idea that the man will be in trouble or needs a "pass out" for the evening is an example of this misogynist rhetoric that paints women as coercive controllers when usually it's the other way around.

He's in a strop because he's been ratted out for his contemptuous treatment of OP and is now displaying the First Rule Of Misogyny by blaming the OP and the (implied female) in the group instead of himself for the OP's justified distress. He is punishing OP with the silent treatment by storming off out and guilt-tripping her by accusing her of ruining his whole day. This is fact what we call "DARVO", Deny, Accuse, Reverse Victim and Offender: he ruined the OP's evening but he is trying to make himself the victim and her the offender who ruined his day.

His use of the term "this is what happens with all of you" makes me think that his contempt is part of a pattern of behaviour. I suspect that "all of you" refers to only the women in the group and not his male cycling buddies.

If my partner spoke about me like that and then stropped when I called him out on it, he'd swiftly become an ex.

Megifer yes of course its all the man's fault. Not the shit stiring friend or sensitive op. Take your agenda elsewhere. If he hadn't had invited you would have said the exact same thing.

‘I’d better text her or I’ll be in trouble!’ Yea it sounds bad, but is it possible he has a point? He is in trouble even when he DID text you!!

You have to admit though, this ‘friend’ is NOT a friend, so be wise to that.

Yea its the person who said the stupid remarks fault. Who happens to be a man.

And I'm the one with the agenda? 🤣🙄

Was it a man? I thought it was a woman who repeated back this information?

Probably because his wife is constantly analysing ever sentence to find fault and to point how how he Should have said it instead

Every

What a load of drama over nothing

Agree, and I pity those replying who think it's fine and normal for a spouse to act like you're a dead weight, and that if you ask for more respectful treatment you're out of line. I couldn't imagine ever talking about my husband so disrespectfully, and I'd be sad and embarassed if he did about me!

Ok, my friend shouldn't have passed it on but he spoke in quite a negative way about me, I don't like that.
You don't know how he spoke about you. You know your interpretation of someone else's account of how he spoke about you.

You really can’t hear in your head a group of friends each calling and texting people and chatting and your DP saying cheerfully and jokingly, maybe as a way to break up a conversation to do it ‘oooh right, better text Wintery, don’t want her to be left out’ while being 100% happy to ask you and be glad you were going?

I don’t blame him for being annoyed. Your friend gossiped about him to you, you took her word without question and without knowing context.