Dh is in a mood, and said I've ruined his Sunday. Was I unreasonable?

[Winterysun]

We're part of a group of friends, some couples & a few singles. I worked yesterday, and soon after coming home I had a text from dh, saying him & and a few of the men had been for a cycle and stopped at local pub. A few of the men's partners were mow joining them, and did I want to meet them all there.

Tbh I'd had a fairly long day and wasn't bothered about going out again. But knew I'd enjoy seeing them all, so quickly made something to eat, showered and met them all an hour later. It was a really nice evening, only marred by my friend repeating to me what my dh had said to the group. He apparently said he'd 'better' text me, or I'd be upset with him for leaving me out! 🤔

I almost didn't have the energy to go FGS, so I'd hardly have felt 'left out'! I also went because dh sounded as though he wanted me there, not asked me because he 'had to'.

I said this to him this morning, said once I realised he'd asked me out of 'duty' I felt uncomfortable sat there, and I wouldn't have said that to the others about him, why did he about me?

He's turned round and said 'See? This is what happens with all of you, things get repeated and people get upset. Thanks for ruining today!' He's gone into town now, but I shouldn't have just let it go, should I?!

IMO you've massively overreacted and it sounds like your "friend" is a bit of a shit-stirrer.

Personally I think he's been really dismissive of your feelings. However, I've just come out of a relationship with a controlling and manipulative narcissist

i agree

I'm sure I've read this thread before, unless my mind is playing tricks on me.

He sounds quite juvenile like he wants to act cool and funny in front of friends by saying that but ends up sounding stupid and mean.

I never understand how people get upset over minor trivialities and then make such big dramas about them. Life is short - just live and let live, and accept that sometimes we all do mildly stupid or annoying things. Everyone would be so much happier.

Your ‘friend’ stirred the pot and you’ve overreacted. I can imagine your DH is fed up of all the unnecessary drama.

Unless there’s lots of backstory - are you a person who thrives on drama?

As an isolated incident - you appear to be massively over reacting to the kind of things lots of blokes say which are mildly annoying. Him saying you've ruined his day also seems an over reaction. So maybe there is more going on here, with you two not getting along in general.

The much more mystifying role in this is the shit-stirring friend. What does she get out of it? Is there form for drama in your friendship group?

It's the husband who's been a bit dramatic I think

He wanted you there, that’s why he text you. The phrase is a fairly common one (rightly or wrongly), usually gets a little laugh and is dismissed. Couple banter.

Your friend is not a friend, that’s a shit stirrer who wanted you be pissed off and cause strife. Does this “friend” have form for this?

Now you’re upset and your husband is upset. You two need a chat to clear the air. He needs to know that you don’t like being referred to as that, you need to reassure him you won’t overreact. Both of you now know to watch out for the shit stirrer.

I'd keep my eye on that "friend".

OP, I'm with you. It's about your husband having your back, and wanting to spend time with you. He's made you feel like it was out of obligation at best, and that you'd be a nightmare if you didn't receive an invitation, at worst, which sounds like it's not the case usually. Agree with PPs that the friend was looking for drama, or planting the seed in your mind that your husband didn't actually want you there. Sorry you've been made to feel shit. X

Has it occurred to you he said that because he wanted you there but didn’t want to look soft? He said it as banter, the friend is a shit stirrer and you are WAY too sensitive.

Friend is a bitch. No reason to report on this. It sounds like something anyone would say. It's not anything to take to heart.

That said. He sounds like a mardy bum for saying you ruined the Sunday. You're both as bad as each other: you for bringing it up and him for overreacting.

yes

Because it’s a jokey comment said to friends . You are way too prickly

Did you have plans for today? Has he used this an excuse to strop off into town and go drinking with his mates?

I'd maybe go with the idea that it was a jokey comment. Without being there and hearing how it was said none of us can be sure.

But his reaction this morning is way OTT. There's something deeper going on. How is your relationship generally right now?

I'm on your side OP.

I have known men like this. They like to show off to the group at the expense of their wives or girlfriends. I think it's partly 'jokey' to play the act of the hen pecked husband for laughs but it just makes you look like some kind of bunny boiler. Public humiliation is not fair and not funny, especially when there is no truth to it in fact quite the opposite.

Is this a regular behaviour? Because it would wear thin on me constantly having to defend or explain my stance when DH has said something stupid. You were right to pull him.

Yes, this. Unless he's usually really disrespectful, I wouldn't have thought he meant anything by it.

And, he was right in a way. He has got into trouble. So he's aware of the need to walk on eggshells around you and from your attitude I can see why

this

Yeah I wondered that. If there was some truth in the joke. That this behaviour isn’t unusual for her and it’s what he has to deal with.

Public humiliation good god, what hyperbole.