What would you reply to this message?

[Yurnsli]

Hi everyone,

I just got this message from my ex-husband that quite frankly pissed me off. I don't know what to reply.

For context, my ex-husband and I are legally divorced and have been separated for the last fifteen years.

My son insisted I let him move into the annex temporarily as he doesn't have money and nowhere to go.

I stupidly accepted.

He has no money as far as I'm aware, although he's been very evasive and secretive around a trust fund he and his sister got from his father's inheritance.

He refuses to apply for any financial help or get his retirement money and refuses to move out of the house. Although our daughter offered to help him find a place and help him get his finances sorted.

I feel I have no choice but to give him money and do his shopping.

I left to travel to my pregnant daughter's to help her out as she is currently alone with a toddler and is due in the next couple of weeks. I am quite skint myself at this point and only left him and my son with enough to cover essential shopping and did a full shop as well.

He texted me this:

"Unfortunately, when you left, you didn't leave any money for me. This means I cannot buy food or cigarettes.
Can you think of a solution to this problem?"

I find it very cheeky but don't know how to reply.
I'm tired of this situation and want to get rid of him to be honest.

Sounds like you put yourself in this situation by allowing people to walk all over your boundaries.

My son insisted I let him move into the annex temporarily as he doesn't have money and nowhere to go

I stupidly accepted

You let your son talk you into this? How? Why?

I feel I have no choice but to give him money and do his shopping

This made me so angry to read, of course you have a choice. You are choosing to give in & be a martyr.

He texted me this:

Unfortunately, when you left, you didn't leave any money for me. This means I cannot buy food or cigarettes. Can you think of a solution to this problem?

Was he like this when you were married? The solution is get the fuck out of my house you freeloading fuck stick.

I'm tired of this situation and want to get rid of him to be honest.

Yes but you won't!! Please for the love of god get this total waste of oxygen out of your home/annexe.

Why can't you evict him?

Oh god he’s acting like you’re still together

Yep - in my view this is the best advice. I don't think discussion with this kind of person works, he'll just be more manipulative.

@Yurnsli , you need/deserve to reclaim your dignity. You are not a bank, hotel, nor are you a servant for your ex.

Your son needs/deserves to see you set some boundaries to stop his father treating you with such blatant disrespect. You don't want your son set up to be taken advantage of by his dad.

You can text your ex: "I need you to move out next week. You have the next few days to organise where you will move to." Don't enter into any discussions with him about it and don't let him know that you are planning to change the locks.

In an ideal world he'll move out asap (like a normal person would!). But if he shows no signs of moving or wants to delay and keeps demanding money from you, then you are absolutely entitled to put your plan in place without him (or your son) knowing.

Have boxes ready to put his belonging outside your house or drop to a mutual acquaintance. Arrange a handhold - a friend to come over/be on the phone, or post on MN. Call Women's Aid if you are feeling wobbly. Be prepared to call the police if he becomes a nuisance. Support makes difference and there is support for you because your ex does not have any rights to be in your house!! Your ex is able to find temporary accommodation elsewhere.

Getting him out of your house ASAP is the kindest thing you can do for you, your son and your ex. Your ex will continue to take advantage of you because he thinks you don't have the guts to stand up for yourself. But you need to, because the current situation is degrading for everyone involved and no one is going to do anything about it if you don't.

Why not just message back and say you are free now to live in independent life. I'll expect you to be gone by the time I get home.

I hope you have lodged a clean break order with your divorce. If not, get to a solicitor now.

You give him money for cigarettes and while he's at the shop buying them, you change the locks.

This!

Solution to this problem
hmmmmm I’d write back
F**k off mate grow up and get a life you ponce, but If your looking for a solution it would quit smoking and new diet 😂

This is a good one.

Does he have access to the house? Are there things he could take from the annex if you asked him to leave immediately? If no I’d tell him if he’s not out by your return you’ll be asking the police to remove him because of the financial abuse that he’s committing against you. If yes then when you get back give him one weeks notice and tell him exactly the same thing. At the same time tell your son exactly the same thing. This cannot go on.

His reply: I am very much looking forward to sorting out these issues, to the point where l can declare myself free to live an independent life.

Does he even realise you are divorced ? How long ago was the divorce, surely that was the point when he was free to live an independent life ?

So, you are divorced - therefore he has no claim on the house. You have been separated for fifteen years, so I'm guessing your son is 16+.

It really is time to cut those ties. He will have to find a way to find his own independence. I'm guessing he's expecting you to continue to subsidise him - be prepared for that, and do not let it happen.

I do understand what it is to have a useless ex and to continue to do more than should be required, for the sake of the children. Been there, done that - but not to this extent. And not for nearly so long.

Good luck getting rid of the leech.

I feel like I've read a similar post a while back. Have you posted before and he is still with you? You need to just kick him out. It's your house and tell your son that you are not fascinating this anymore.

I wouldn't tell him about his imminent eviction, it gives him time to steal, sell, break into the other part of the house & do the same. & read up on squatters rights.
Id wait till he was out, & change the locks. (Id do this on a day the council is open as a final gesture!)

He sounds so entitled.
Give him 24/48 hours to move out and get the locks changed.

Sounds like he's going to try and coerce you into paying him off. Just call the police to get him out of your house

He is free to live an independent life now. He is a free citizen and his circumstances are a product of his life choices.

He has to go.

I think I’d reply to his second message saying something like:
Just to manage your expectations, there’s no deal to be done here, I have given you enough of my time, money and attention. You need to leave. Please reflect on how you are going to achieve this whilst I’m away.

As others have said you need to wait for him to go out, change the locks and bin bag his stuff. Catch him on the back foot.

Honestly I’m having trouble believing this is real.

He is going to talk you into giving him a significant amount of money so that he can be 'independent'.

We are all advising you to toughen up and stop being taken advantage of. Good luck.

Oh god, he actually blames YOU for the fact that he is useless? Not sure why I am surprised. Maybe because you separated so long ago.

Good luck OP.

He expects you to give him money for a house as it isn't fair that you not only have a house you have an annexe too!!

He thinks you're going to pay him to leave. I wouldn't bother replying. I'd go to see a solicitor. He isn't a tenant because he hadn't paid any rent. He's a guest. You should be able to give him written notice to leave and just change the locks after that because he's trespassing. If you've taken money then you'll need to evict him. I'd get him out ASAP. Entitled prick.

I declare you free. Now fuck off and don't bother me again.