FGS how long am I supposed to wear widows" weeds for?

[Weighnow]

DH died 3 years ago. As is apparently common, all our couple friends have disappeared, but they seem to think because they were "close" with DH they're somehow entitled to an opinion on how I live my life.

As I lost all my friends, all the people DH thought would be there for me, I've had to pretty much build a new life from scratch and I've done well with it, making a nice group of mixed friends through various hobbies.

One is a divorced man similar age to me. We get on, both single with grown up children, so have more time than some of the others and we've spent some time out and about together. I don't known if it might develop in the future, but ATM were just friends, he's a nice man and he's been good to me, when I needed a friend.

Either way it's no one else's business and even if it was "something", it's been 3 years! However, apparently my behaviour is appalling and it upsets them because of how fond they were of DH.

I didn't even meet this man until DH had been dead 2 years, and I am absolutely certain he'd have been furious to see the way they've behaved towards me.

I'm not really asking for answers, just venting.

That's awful. If they cared about your DH at all they should be happy his wife is okay and has managed to carry on with life after such a sad loss.

They sound like total tossers.

Bollocks to them OP. If they couldn’t be bothered to support you, they can’t have been that fond of him.

They are envious of your freedom OP. Sorry for the loss of your DH.

Who are you hearing this from? Honestly, I’d give it to them with both barrels about how disgusting their behaviour to you has been and, if they cared so much about your late husband, then I wonder if they care about how disappointed he would be by their treatment of you. Bunch of arseholes. You keep going the way you are, you’re doing nothing wrong.

How have they disappeared but still are able to give you their opinions?

Either way, absolute wankers.

Agreed!

Well at least you know where you stand with them, which is as far away as possible. They sound very unpleasant, and not the sort of people you would want as friends anyway.

We still mix in the same wide circles and they're at events I'm at sometimes. I've noticed it's not just that they're not around anymore, but they're being off with me when I try to be polite/friendly. I asked a mutual friend if they knew what the problem was.

Yes, how is this disapproval being conveyed?

But irrelevant to you, however it’s expressed. You have every right to make a new life for yourself, including new relationships, if and when you want one.

A friend’s widowed FIL remarried his wife’s best friend a mere four months after her funeral, and while his kids struggled, they kept schtum, attended the wedding and did their best to reconcile themselves.

Maybe envy... If they end up on their own they aren't nice enough to meet a nice man like you have!
And they know it... Nasty people.. Not your friends... Feel no guilt op.

I don't known if it might develop in the future, but ATM were just friends, he's a nice man and he's been good to me, when I needed a friend

Tempting to say "look them in the eye and say "I needed friends, he was there when others disappeared"" but tbh, better not to give them space in your head.

Divorce and widowhood both teach us rapidly who our friends really are. Its often not the people you expect. Three years down the line of disconnecting from you they can just fuck off.

They're not worth any of your energy or headspace. I'd be tempted to feed back that true friends would have been there for you and their (weird, outdated) opinions on you are irrelevant to you. There's the possibility they may be embarrassed they deserted you and are just using this as a way to make themselves feel better without realising they sound Victorian.

PS - might be worth asking for this to be moved to Bereavement to catch more of the posters with direct or recent experience of this. Its a pretty recurring theme.

That's exactly what I want to say to them.

There's also a mischievous part, that quite likes the idea that they think I'm shagging this nice man, who's frankly much more attractive than any of their husbands 🤣

It has occurred to me that's it's jealousy. After being a close friendship group for more than a decade, I know quite a bit about their marriages and they're not all happy. It's still a bit rich to be jealous of someone who's DH died though.

Extremely strange behaviour from adults

They are the ones behaving badly, not you. Also FWIW my nanny died just before my first birthday and my grandad got married again just after my 2nd birthday.

My mum was quite shocked that I'd taken my wedding ring off 6 years after my husband died 4 months after having met a new man. She wanted to know if I was going to Marry him!! I did eventually but not at 4 months.
My church was full to overflowing at my husband's funeral but don't know where they went after that.
Sorry for your loss and hope you are managing to build a new life alongside your grief.

Vent away OP! They disappeared and you've done brilliantly moving on. Plenty of people posting on MN who could do with taking a leaf out of your book

They’re being really awful. I mean, I judged a cousin when his wife died. But he remarried after less than a year and married a woman who had come to his wife’s funeral wearing pink. So, I judged that one! But didn’t say anything to anyone. But it does show that I’m a bit judgy and I wouldn’t judge you at all. You’re doing exactly what you should be doing. You grieved, you built a new friendship and you’re coming out of the fog and thinking of your future. You’re doing everything right.

Interesting that it's the women who seem to be judging you OP, I imagine they're all feeling a bit threatened that you were going to go 'after' their husbands (yeah right) and also a bit jealous if any of them are unhappy that you've maybe got a second chance. After all, how dare you!

Seriously? I find this very weird.
it also feels a bit hearsay-ish.
surely no one would seriously say that sort of thing directly or want you to know they thought that.

im dating a widower where it had only been less than a year when we first started seeing each other. We’re keeping it light and we haven’t socialised with their joint friends really as I’m aware people that were close to her might feel weird about it. But they wouldn’t express it.
his family have all been really supportive and glad he has a smile on his face!

I think it's different when it's the man who was widowed, people somehow seem to think it's good that he's found someone, in a way they don't for women.

My experience is people absolutely will tell women if they don't think they're doing widowhood right.

Ha ha don’t they just. None of us have ever got widowhood right.

These people were never true friends of your husbands and are not yours now.

I know it's hard not to be hurt by such comments but their opinions are worthless.

I am sorry for your loss and that your friends are making it harder for you.

A widowed friend of mine is going through similar. She lost her H in horrendous circumstances and didn't expect to meet anyone again, but she has. Her lifelong friends are angry with her and acting as if she is being disloyal to them for moving on. I have only known since she was widowed so I don't have that same 'baggage' of memory.

I think she would entirely agree that divorce and widowhood show you who your true friends are. I agree with this, having been to the brink of divorce, when H and I started reconciling, the 'friends' dropped off the face of the earth because they didn't agree with my choice.

You have one life, live it for you. We all deserve to love, to be loved and to be happy. Grab it with both hands.