FGS how long am I supposed to wear widows" weeds for?

[Weighnow]

DH died 3 years ago. As is apparently common, all our couple friends have disappeared, but they seem to think because they were "close" with DH they're somehow entitled to an opinion on how I live my life.

As I lost all my friends, all the people DH thought would be there for me, I've had to pretty much build a new life from scratch and I've done well with it, making a nice group of mixed friends through various hobbies.

One is a divorced man similar age to me. We get on, both single with grown up children, so have more time than some of the others and we've spent some time out and about together. I don't known if it might develop in the future, but ATM were just friends, he's a nice man and he's been good to me, when I needed a friend.

Either way it's no one else's business and even if it was "something", it's been 3 years! However, apparently my behaviour is appalling and it upsets them because of how fond they were of DH.

I didn't even meet this man until DH had been dead 2 years, and I am absolutely certain he'd have been furious to see the way they've behaved towards me.

I'm not really asking for answers, just venting.

Outlawed now, thank Heavens, the ritual of Sati expected a Hindu wife to throw herself on her DH's funeral pyre, in a roundabout way your dubious friends think the same way, as a good, devoted wife your life must be over as your DH has passed away. It's OK for men to find a new woman because they can't cope with all that domestic lark but women should stay at home and console themselves with their DGC and honour their DH's memory. I say Fuck them @Weighnow you've found a pleasant man to spend your time with and maybe one day he'll be more, you've grieved and now your life should go on.

Stuff them. They are nothing to you.

From my personal experience, some people are DESPERATE to tell widows how to live their lives. Either they should be over it and should be taking up a social life again or they are taking up their social life too soon, or they should be going to support groups (I was pushed to join a bereavement choir...I mean have you heard me sing?) or any permutation of the same plus many other interferences which might have been well meaning but were definitely thoughtless. as @ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie you have one life, live it for you.

Fuck the lot of them @Weighnow. Congratulations on finding a lovely person, and one who is far more deserving of your friendship than those muttering miseries. I was a young widow and now feel that I have to make the most of my life to honour my late partner and the years he didn't get to have.

What has happened in your life that you are giving these fake friends any room in your head? Why do you think you should listen and not just say, it's none of your business especially as you've not stuck around to support me.

I am so sorry you have lost your husband and I absolutely hope this man does turn into something!

@Lemonylemonylemon thank you, he was. He was a very, very difficult man with a whole host of issues, but he tried so hard to be a good person and leave a positive impact.

" I am absolutely certain he'd have been furious to see the way they've behaved towards me."

I'd say exactly this if they ever grew the balls to actually say something to your face. Otherwise, just blank them (and smirk to yourself at their miserable marriages) next time you see them.

I am completely sure your DH would be happy with you spending time with your widowed friend, someone who can understand what you're going through, in any capacity, rather than spending the rest of your life alone.

6 months after, DH's brothers dragged me out, told me it was time to get my hairbrush and makeup out again and start living. Told me he'd be furious if I wasted my youth. It took them a while longer to believe them, but it's what I needed.

Yes, this is why I seem to have been spending more time with male friends, they're much "nicer" to me.

Thinking about it the only two women who are still around from "before" are a very long term single woman and a woman in the kind of rock solid marriage we all envy, they really are amazing together, still at it like rabbits after 30 years, still laughing together and so supportive of each other's endeavours, so maybe it is only women who don't feel threatened who can be friends with widows, although lol at the idea that I'd want their husbands or would be a threat if I did 🤣

People are odd. They are clearly in the wrong and I guess it‘s a case of ignoring/rising above unless it is put to you directly.

Not to excuse them, just a pondering really: I have a friend who is re-marrying 6 years after her DH died. I’m really happy for her but part of seeing her in a new relationship made me miss her DH and my friendship with him. It highlighted that not only is Bob gone, but “Jane and Bob” has gone too. I’d never voice this IRL and I am truely happy for her. I’m not sure that makes sense, I guess grief doesn’t and it must be even harder for the person re-marrying.

They don't sound like friends to me OP. When my BiL died my sister's friends were really good. She still got invited out to events with their joint friends and when she wanted to stay home alone they eg. not go to BBQ because she was sad they dropped off cooked food and a bottle of wine for her. They also made themselves available to her to go on holiday with, out for cinema etc when she was ready. She was like a zombie, as she could not sleep for 6 months. After 2 or 3 years she was definitely more herself and building a new life but your friends sound awful. Your DH would have expected better for you I'm sure. Take things at your own pace and pay no heed to them.

I wouldn't be too sure about that last bit tbh

I know you aren't interested but if you, by chance, were, you could quite easily be a "threat".
Newly single women - especially within a closed friendship group - are like catnip to a certain type of married man.

I guess because you're familiar, easily accessible and vulnerable. I have some experience of this and it was truly and horribly eye opening.

The women in question probably know their husbands well enough to be aware that this might be a possibility at least. You did say their marriages weren't great.
I wouldn't be at all surprised if that wasn't at least part of the reason they abandoned you.

The idea of me with any of their husbands makes me feel quite unwell 😆

Someone warned me that when you become a widow, some other women give you a wide berth because they think you might be after their man. I thought they were talking nonsense - but now I am not so sure.

I was widowed young,we had been in a big group of couples,they all disappeared except 1 person.People like that aren’t worth giving headspace to.

I think it’s less that than that the worst thing (or one of them) they can think of has actually befallen you, and you’ve lived through things they don’t want to even think about. Combined, for some who are unhappy in their marriages, or with being divorced with a possible suppressed envy that you’re ‘free’ without having had to divorce, or deal with an affair, and they’re ashamed of that ugly combination of feelings.

Which I realise doesn’t make it any easier for the widowed person who loses friends.

If they've disappeared from your life, how do they know about your new man friend? I would not give a flying fuck what they think, get on with your life and don't give them a second thought! Their opinions are totally irrelevant.

I remember a very similar thread a few years ago . So much so I checked date on your post .

so your not the first or last . You knew your Dh better than anyone else… I doubt he wanted you sat at home just wallowing in memories .

They let you down - Their opinion doesn’t matter

@LandArt DH had a heart attack in 2006. He survived it and hasnt smoked since the day of the attack (but does gripe that he still misses it) and his best friend who was also his best man at our wedding has only visited him twice since. his friend has a smoking drinking lifestyle and DH thinks part of it is hes scared the same thing is going to happen to him.

What utter dickheads they all are. Definitely not friends. Perhaps they enjoy pitying you? Or have nothing better to do than gossip? Whatever, I'd block them, get on with your life and ignore their opinions if they filter through to your orbit via someone else. I'd question the someone else's motives in telling you, too. As soon as DH died you were single. What you did/do and with who is nobody else's business. I'm sorry for your loss and glad you have at least this one good friend in your life.

Live YOUR life ! Ignore them. Do what makes YOU happy.

A widowed friend of mine was judged terribly for meeting a new woman and having his first child a year after his wife died. He went through hell with what happened to his wife and personally I was glad that he’d found happiness and comfort with someone else but a lot of people weren’t.

im widowed myself and my sil told me that I didn’t need anyone else ever and if her aunt who lost her husband at my age (44) and spend the rest of her life on her own (aunts in her 70s now) then I could do it too . Fuck that 😂.

Ive lost friends, I don’t get invites anywhere now, everyone seems to socialise in couples or they somehow worry I’m going to pinch their husbands.. no thanks.

luckily I’ve made new friends since my dh died and they are understanding and supportive

It interesting because I don't think I'd ever have been the friend that drifted off, or judged, but seems that experience shows most people are.

It's been on my mind the last few days because I think they'll be at a thing I'm going to today. It's very tempting to ask if there's anything anyone wants to say to my face, but I guess that won't leave me looking good.

Tell them you are off to Nepal /Iona / some churchy place to a silent retreat where you can ponder and contemplate the life you had with dear DH for several weeks - just to see the response.

It’s so depressing to hear how so many women don’t show solidarity at times of bereavement and divorce and makes me wonder what values friends actually have. I really don’t get how they could be so cruel OP and massively admire your guts in surviving and creating new friendships. Have a pithy response ready for these flakey acquaintances when you see them and embrace your next life stage with joy. Don’t give them any precious headspace.