FGS how long am I supposed to wear widows" weeds for?

[Weighnow]

DH died 3 years ago. As is apparently common, all our couple friends have disappeared, but they seem to think because they were "close" with DH they're somehow entitled to an opinion on how I live my life.

As I lost all my friends, all the people DH thought would be there for me, I've had to pretty much build a new life from scratch and I've done well with it, making a nice group of mixed friends through various hobbies.

One is a divorced man similar age to me. We get on, both single with grown up children, so have more time than some of the others and we've spent some time out and about together. I don't known if it might develop in the future, but ATM were just friends, he's a nice man and he's been good to me, when I needed a friend.

Either way it's no one else's business and even if it was "something", it's been 3 years! However, apparently my behaviour is appalling and it upsets them because of how fond they were of DH.

I didn't even meet this man until DH had been dead 2 years, and I am absolutely certain he'd have been furious to see the way they've behaved towards me.

I'm not really asking for answers, just venting.

Confront them. Tell them exactly what you've said here.

See how they respond.

Then fuck em and enjoy YOUR life.

One of DH's core group of friends died about 18 months ago (around 50). His widow is welcomed at all the group activities, from BBQs at people's houses to trips to theatre or to watch sport, to holidays. No change. Equally it is understood that there may still be occasions when she doesn't want, or doesn't feel able, to come.

Pretty sure she feels the same way you do about all the other husbands in the group @Weighnow 😂, but equally I don't get any sense whatsoever that any of us women need to feel insecure about her presence. For the men there may be a small element of her being a lasting link to her husband and his memory, but mostly she is invited because we like her. Your joint 'friends' just seem a bit rubbish OP, glad you are finding new, better ones.

Sadly this is all too common a phenomenon. I run a women's social group and know several women who have experienced what you are dealing with. I also know several men who moved on to co-habiting/marriage within months of losing their wife and people say 'isn't it great he's found someone?' Men deserve (to be looked after) happiness, women should mourn for years.

As a widow of a little over year, I was astonished how quickly some friends, and relatives buggared off and left me to it. Bereavement really is a learning curve.

Do what makes you happy, OP.💐

Awful people. My DF died 3 years ago and after a year my DM who I very close to met a lovely man. She’s happy and I am delighted she has a friend and companion and indeed lover in her 70s. We all miss DF terribly but i know he would be so happy she’s not alone as am I. Those who care about you would never behave like this.

I thought you said they'd all dropped you? Anyway say it's been three years and you know your husband would have wanted you to keep living and enjoying life. End of.
I'm a widow too (when I was 47) and I get the opposite! For years people were constantly asking when I was going to start dating again (as if there was a queue at my door wanting to date someone approaching 50 with two primary aged kids). Fortunately they've stopped now.

Yes, thank you. If you're interested, regular flying is a very new thing for me, as part of this new life.

I was widowed at 34, DHs friends (who promised him they'd look after me) disappeared almost instantaneously!
I met someone after just over a year, neither of us were looking for anything serious, we've not long had a baby and are getting married soon.
If becoming widowed teaches you anything it should be that life is too short and you never know which day is going to be your last, you should be living your life and being happy, your H wouldn't want you to be unhappy & moping if he's anything like mine was, I know I have found love and happiness with his blessing, and it's nothing to do with anyone else.

I think it's true op that times like that really show you who your friends are. What awful people. Your DH would have been furious with them all I'm sure.

Definitely carry on with your life.

Dignified and in control is the way to go.

Not emotional.

You can do what you want. My mum lost her husband, my father after 35 years of marriage and met a new partner in 1 year. Well done Mum was is my response, whatever makes you smile. Just enjoy yourself, please x

It’s nothing to do with them. Forget all about them and go on being happy with your new friends.

It interesting because I don't think I'd ever have been the friend that drifted off, or judged, but seems that experience shows most people are.

I think most friendships aren't as close as we sometimes think they are. Most people seem to have friendships of convenience. Easy come, easy go.

If I like someone I'm not going to drop them because they're going through a hard time or our lives have changed, but I believe myself to be in a minority. Most people seem to have a degree of selfishness I find hard to comprehend. They're a friend only while it suits them and they're getting something out of it. Grief, difficult feelings or hardship of any kind isn't fun, so they're gone faster than you can blink.

When they inevitably make the "let's meet up" noises after you bump into them, you could always shut them up forever with "why would I want to do that? It's not as if we're friends" and watch those bridges burn.

Unless you're willing to sweep their behaviour under the carpet and pretend nothing happened for the sake of having them back in your life one day 🤷 because they might get a grip of themselves eventually and stop all the whispering judgement. I doubt they'll ever apologise though.

Should have put it to a vote. You would have got YANBU from me.

You're still here and entitled to have a life. I'd dread to think of my partner slowly walking around after I'm gone. Some time to greave, yes, but 3 years? You deserve a life.

How you live your life is no business of theirs OP. They can keep their opinions to themselves. I wish you well - carry on just as you are doing.

Oh boy is it different for men!

People can’t wait to get widowers fixed up again asap. How can the poor little man look after himself?

I think three years is plenty of time. Enjoy your time with your new friend and ignore them!

They sound like judgy people full stop and couply and exclusive so ignore all of them, they aren't your true friends. I haven't noticed anyone judging me, and I've been widowed, perhaps I'm oblivious! All my friends would be delighted if I met someone and it's me that isn't that fussed.

I'm surprised they care 3 years later, within the first year often raises eyebrows, beyond that, just leave them to it.

I'm sorry they are treating you like that. Like many have said, they have no right to. Ignore them as much as you can lovely.
Wishing you fun, luck and many happy times going forward!! Xx

Wait till they see the sports car I've just bought myself 😆

How do you know that people who are no longer in your life are commenting?

These people are no longer important to you.

You've built a new life. Just move forward with your new life and ignore these fickle people from your past.

🥰 love it!

How very dare you be going out spending money and enjoying life! Don't you know you are supposed to sit inside in a darkened room, rending your clothes and weeping for the rest of your life?

Enjoy that car, and whoever is in the passenger seat!
xx

Take control of your ife.