FGS how long am I supposed to wear widows" weeds for?

[Weighnow]

DH died 3 years ago. As is apparently common, all our couple friends have disappeared, but they seem to think because they were "close" with DH they're somehow entitled to an opinion on how I live my life.

As I lost all my friends, all the people DH thought would be there for me, I've had to pretty much build a new life from scratch and I've done well with it, making a nice group of mixed friends through various hobbies.

One is a divorced man similar age to me. We get on, both single with grown up children, so have more time than some of the others and we've spent some time out and about together. I don't known if it might develop in the future, but ATM were just friends, he's a nice man and he's been good to me, when I needed a friend.

Either way it's no one else's business and even if it was "something", it's been 3 years! However, apparently my behaviour is appalling and it upsets them because of how fond they were of DH.

I didn't even meet this man until DH had been dead 2 years, and I am absolutely certain he'd have been furious to see the way they've behaved towards me.

I'm not really asking for answers, just venting.

I too am a widow, remarried to a widower. When we met, it had been 3 years since my DH had passed and 1 year since his wife had passed.

I heard there had been comments about "too soon" for me, but not him! Talk about hypocrisy!

You won't ever keep everyone happy, so just keep yourself happy.

Its misogyny behind this because id bet a pound to a pinch of shit that if your DH had been the one widowed they would not have reacted like this

Proves my point beautifully

Almost like the man is 'irreplaceable' but the woman isn't ... I've never understood this attitude.

I am fairly sure if thing had happened the other way around and your husband had lost you, his freinds would be fairly quickly finding single people they knew to invite to group things hoping they’d hit it off or even signing him up for dating sites telling him you’d want him to be happy and not be lonely.

Theres some weird double standard when it comes to male and female widows. Like men Need/Must have/Deserve companionship and happiness but women should spend till their dying day faithful to their dead husband. It must be a social script we play as a society out but aren’t even aware is there. Perhaps because historically women were property so belong to a man in perpetuity even after said man’s death but a man can acquire new property if his wife dies as his ‘asset’ is no longer present?

boils my piss a bit tbh.

people are judgemental arseholes! Feel free to get rid of the millstones that like to comment.

These people aren't your friends, don't even give them headspace.

I'm sure you loved your DH immeasurably, but he's gone now and what do they want you to do? Never have another relationship? As if that's what he would have wanted!

You crack on, you're lucky to have found new friends and someone a bit special, so embrace those people and leave the others in the past.

Ignore them, they don't get to have an opinion. Well done on taking care of yourself and rebuilding your life, your ex friends can fuck off xx

https://www.thefrickpittsburgh.org/Story-Memory-and-Mourning-Death-in-the-Gilded-Age

Even by Victorian standards (presuming your ex friends arrive for functions in their time machine) you’re well within respectable limits and I’m pleased to say the rest of the world has long since moved on from these mores. I’m sorry for your loss and glad to hear you’re back dancing. Life is so short and happiness is precious.

Very interesting thread. Becoming a widow is traumatic enough without other people's prejudiced judgement. Good luck and blessings to you OP and anyone who forms a new loving attachment after such terrible loss.

But considering society's prejudices do exist, and families, especially adult DC's, often have trouble with a bereaved parent, especially their mum, forming a new romantic attachment, does anyone have any idea how long would be considered 'acceptable'?

After three years it is noones business if this stays a friendship or becomes a relationship. Or somewhere in the middle like a FWB arrangement.

I thought from the title you literally meant widows weeds and was staggered that you'd dressed as such at all (duh me!).

Anyway, pretty much as everyone has said - don't give them any headspace.

I didn't have any disapproval (of which I was aware anyway) when I started dating again just over a year after DH died, and those who had supported me (SIL, some of my friends, most family) were delighted for me.

Live your life, you already know how short it can be x

I'd give them no thought, OP. It doesn't sound like they are decent friends so I'd simply acknowledge them with a nod at social functions and let them make all the running to me if they wanted to.

If the subject came up I'd be extremely cool with them about how few people were there for you after DH died and you could have done with support.

Have you posted about this before? It sounds familiar. Obviously, your friends are being horrible and unreasonable.

I'm dating a widower, and people very definitely did tell him it was 'too soon'. It's not just women that get these comments. He told me he'd just tell them they were bell ends and it was up to him when and who he dated.

Ignore, if you can, OP

Although not comparable to the death of your husband, I found some similarities with divorce.

I was initially surprised how certain people reacted/continued to act, however one very good (male) friend pointed out something I hadn't considered;

As a single female you're a perceived 'threat' or competition to their relationship. You're not in a relationship so you're no longer safe to be around their husbands.. I say this as an astoundingly average woman who possesses no super-powers over men, and have known several of my 'friends' husbands and partners while they were single/before meeting their wives etc.

It shows you who your real friends are that's for sure. An emotionally expensive way of effectively removing the dead wood though...

Even the Victorians only made you mourn for a year!

When my dad died, my mum waited a year before thinking of dating someone new, just so that she'd know she wasn't on a rebound or trying to replace him, or dating out of fear of being alone and responsible for her own life for the first time ever (teen bride).

She ended up waiting three years. I dislike the twat she's married, but he makes her happy. Dad would have approved of her being happy.

Before my dad died, he told me he hoped that when he died everyone would be properly devastated with snot and tears (so he'd know they'd cared), then they'd get over it and be happy again, whatever that took. Because if they didn't get over it, if they carried on living a partial life, then they'd have been worse off for having known him. Which is truly horrific.

If they're worth the head space, you could ask them if they believed your DH would have wanted you unhappy and lonely and ultimately worse off than if you'd never met him?

Arseholes.

It sounds familiar not because she's posted before but because it happens often!

Losing your husband sorts out real friends from the others - I can vouch for that.

None of their business. You move on with your life in the way and in the time frame that suits you.

Your dad sounds absolutely wonderful.

OP, I’m sorry these people are being such shits. I wish you all the happiness in the world as you rebuild your life.

What a bloody cheek! They can all fuck off.

I'm glad you are managing to rebuild your life in a proactive, healthy way. Bloody good for you.

I'd give them all a little wink and a smile when you see them next and let them make of that what they will.

Fuck them! Honestly it's ridiculous. My Dad remarried 5 years after my Mum died. My SIL is about to remarry after five years of widowhood. That is perfectly ok! Are you supposed to be dressed in black and weeping for the rest of your life because I'm damned sure they wouldn't be if it were then.

The person I did judge was the OW who ran off with my husband. Hers had been killed in an RTA. I suspect they were having an affair before that but they were living together very shortly after. Foul, the pair of them.

Unfortunately, no matter how you behave after a bereavement, some people will not like it. You are either too dramatic, not grieving publicly enough so you mustn't care, moving on to quickly, refusing to move on, and on and on it goes. Do what works for you.

I think it's different when it's the man who was widowed, people somehow seem to think it's good that he's found someone, in a way they don't for women.

Not always. A male friend of ours was widowed a few months ago. The other day another woman within our friendship group was expressing great concern about the possibility of him letting grasping women get their claws into him.