FGS how long am I supposed to wear widows" weeds for?

[Weighnow]

DH died 3 years ago. As is apparently common, all our couple friends have disappeared, but they seem to think because they were "close" with DH they're somehow entitled to an opinion on how I live my life.

As I lost all my friends, all the people DH thought would be there for me, I've had to pretty much build a new life from scratch and I've done well with it, making a nice group of mixed friends through various hobbies.

One is a divorced man similar age to me. We get on, both single with grown up children, so have more time than some of the others and we've spent some time out and about together. I don't known if it might develop in the future, but ATM were just friends, he's a nice man and he's been good to me, when I needed a friend.

Either way it's no one else's business and even if it was "something", it's been 3 years! However, apparently my behaviour is appalling and it upsets them because of how fond they were of DH.

I didn't even meet this man until DH had been dead 2 years, and I am absolutely certain he'd have been furious to see the way they've behaved towards me.

I'm not really asking for answers, just venting.

I explained that the first time someone asked.

We still bump into each other at various events and it feels like they're "off" with me, rather than just having drifted away. I asked a mutual friend if they knew what was wrong.

This. You don't say how old you are, but do these so-called friends expect you to give up living?? My dad dies aged 61, mum 87, but 30 years of her life were spent in great company with a lovely widower. My sister was not happy, but I loved him for the way that he made my mum's later life so good. You go girl!

They are not friends. I went through this myself, remarried after 2 years to a wonderful man who initially became my best friend after others gradually abandoned me. We've been happily married for 15 years, my life has moved on and new friends have been made. You can't let chances go to appease people who are not really in your life any more.

You do what feels right for you and to hell with their opinions - they're not the ones who suffered the loss. They don't get to have an opinion.

Your grief and life is nobody else's business. If they were so friendly with DH then they would have been there for you. Live your life. My friend lost his wife and met someone 12 months later. They've been together 11 years now. People had their say but he didn't care. He did what made him happy. You do you. They're not walking in your shoes.

I've read somewhere that mourning during two years is perfectly normal, but it's also perfectly normal to move on after about two years. Less than two years you could still be struggling with your loss, more (a lot more) than two years and you could be so set in your new habits of living solo that a new relationship is doomed in advance. So yes, I agree with you that having a close friend, a relationship that maybe could grow, is what is best for you. Those that don't agree don't have your best interest in mind.

Oh I get it from the other side. It's been 6 years for me. My late husband passed in 2018.

I will not remarry. I will not date. I have no interest. No one can replace my 2nd husband who was and is my soul mate, best friend, the dad he didn't have to be to our 4 and grandpa to 5.

I've had the "oh haven't you met someone else," "you can never say never," etc.

I flipin' can. For me, I'm a married widow, and that is how I will remain. I've come up with a few statements to shut people up. I have a good life I have rebuilt. Ot doesn't have to involve a man.

Some people just need to stick their nose into your business. I would remove them digitally wise and hi and bye them when you see them out.

Not their business. Not their lives. Good luck to you.

I started dating 18 months after DH died. My view is that people have no idea of what it’s like to be on your own until it happens to them so they are not entitled to judge!

As you say, you know fine well you aren't behaving in any way inappropriately. They aren't friends, haven't offered you any support, why give them another thought? I wish you every happiness for the future x

Arseholes.

Fellow young widow here. I started dating at 15 months AND I had a baby and toddler.

Thankfully if people had opinions they didn't dare voice them.

They are arses. Hope you get to snog the nice man soon!

@Weighnow I was married to my first DH for thirty years before he died (suddenly - plane crash). I remarried eighteen months later and lost a set of friends in consequence who thought this was disrespectful of my dead husband. In fact he and I had always agreed that if one of us died the other should feel free to move on with life. I loved him and I miss him to this day, but I've now been happily married to my second DH for almost 22 years and the only people I felt were disrespectful were the people who passed judgment on my actions. Luckily not all my friends were the same.

I'd change your circle of friends. Unfortunately people will always have an opinion and you have zero obligation to live your life to their expectations. you're an independent adult, no need to get validation from anyone.

So I have to give up my new friends too?

If you live in a small town and are about much, you're always going to bump into people fron your past with shared interests.

Wow. When you think it seems to be ok for men to be back shagging days after their wife dies…
I’d play the make them feel like the assholes they are angle. When they token ‘how are you’ you gush ‘oh I’m great! No really, it felt like living a half life for a couple of years, that I was barely here at all. You wouldn’t understand - I am sure you miss <dhs name> but your life continued without missing a beat- I never saw you again after that after all. But now I’m finally happy again and I’m so grateful. I was wondering if that would be it forever. So I’m really great :)’

Ask them to walk a mile in your shoes OP. That's what I said in the same situation. I started dating my DH2 only 9 months after my beloved DH1 died. His death taught me that life is short and I was not going to wait around for others opinions to change! 15 years later the opposers of my second marriage are STILL upset which just shows how much it is a them problem not a me problem!

ive read this before

You’re right… I know someone who’s wife died after a long battle with cancer.. he met someone extremely quickly and everyone including her parents were really pleased for the widowed husband and said he deserved to be happy again!
In contrast I have an old school friend who nursed her husband through cancer, after he died she posted all the usual things on social media about loosing her soul mate etc…. Then after a short time just posted normal stuff about walking her dog, being proud of their son etc… she actually had people tell her to her face that she wasn’t sad enough and was being insensitive by posting happy things on SM…. Apparently women should remain depressed forever after loosing their partner, but men are allowed to move on and be happy!

In all honestly though @Weighnow, you don’t need to justify yourself to these people, it doesn’t matter what they think, In your shoes I’d have told the other person that these ‘friends’ had dumped you long before you made new friends and that actually your DH would be ashamed of how little support they offered you after his passing! But it’s too late to respond now and frankly i would block them all on social media and on your phone too… when you see them out and about I’d not even look at them, just look the other way or talk to the person with you about what’s happening next week and walk by them like they’re strangers! I wouldn’t give them anymore of your time!
Don’t let them make you feel bad about living, they are not important enough to care about what they think!

They mean ditch the old ones… don’t think they understand that you already have.

Go have fun! Look out for yourself obviously, usual precautions for any dating scenario but see where it leads. There's no rules, sometimes people are ready pretty soon others it's longer. My friends biggest regret in life is she didn't date when she had the opportunity a year or so after her husband died out of loyalty and his the one she still thinks got away! Another friend met her second husband at a support group for people who had lost spouses to cancer recently ! (That was 30 years ago now)

You sound fabulous and what you’re doing is a natural progression. Realising that you don’t have the life you used to have and carving out a new one for yourself. If I’m ever in your position, I’d want to do exactly the same. What’s more if it was my husband that survived me, I’d want the same for him too.
Live your life, and don’t spare a moment more worrying about what that shower think of you.

People can just be really unpleasant can’t they. As a pp said they’re likely jealous of your freedom too. You’re doing absolutely nothing wrong are you. Keep on doing what makes you happy. Wishing you the best and ignore or avoid these people

I've lost friends, I don’t get invites anywhere now, everyone seems to socialise in couples or they somehow worry I’m going to pinch their husbands.. no thanks.

That about sums it up. The pain of being surrounded by coupledom never stops; the hand-holding, the gentle touches on the arm, the shared knowing smiles. They all rub salt in the wound, because that is what is lost. Inevitable of course. I have lots of friends in couples and they are lovely to me, but when they go out or have a BBQ it is with other couples and I am left out. I am sure it is not done with malice; it is just how it is. I go out with several other widows or divorcees.

My best friend is going through something similar. People who she thought were close friends have turned their backs on her, bitching to others. These people weren’t there for her when she really needed them. Her grief is hers alone and how she chooses to move forward is also her choice.
Enjoy whatever comes OP. You deserve the good times.

I wonder if it is because some people think men can't manage on their own or it is women's job to look after a man..