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Original poster

Why would I be sent a wedding invite when I've already agreed with Bride that I can't attend?

136 replies

RollnRock · 21/04/2024 17:27

My niece, who lives in Ireland, is getting married in the summer.
As I'm living in the UK, she messaged me a couple of months ago to ask if I would be able to attend.
I said I couldn't as my husband, who is a teacher, couldn't get time off as the wedding is on a Friday during term time.
I could have attended with our kids but it would have cost over £2k just for the weekend (flights, car hire,hotel, food, not including present).
We are travelling to Ireland a few weeks after the wedding so I said we would see them then.

This week I have received an invite to the wedding in the post which has puzzled me.
Why would they send this when we've already told them that we can't attend?

OP posts:
SabreIsMyFave · 26/04/2024 23:28

Nanof8 · 26/04/2024 23:24

I sent wedding invites to people that I was sure wouldn't be able attend out of courtesy. Such as friends and family that lived in another country. Plus maybe she thought you might like a keepsake.
One of my overseas friends surprised me by being able to attend.
Just send back your rsvp with your official answer.

But would you send an invite to someone who told you - only a few weeks before you send your invitations out, that they wouldn't be able to make it?

That's a batshit waste of time.

elliejjtiny · 26/04/2024 23:32

It's a weird etiquette thing. My PIL wanted to send invitations to their friends who lived miles away who they hadn't seen for about 10 years, an elderly relative who lived in a nursing home and people who dh couldn't remember who they were. When I asked if they were likely to even come, MIL said they definitely wouldn't but it would be nice for them to have an invitation. I thought it was very bizarre but I just gave her a few invitations and let her get on with it. None of them came, or even replied.

Psychologymam · 26/04/2024 23:36

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 21/04/2024 17:38

So that you get the gift list.

I’m Irish - it’s very unlikely to send a gift list, it’s not really a thing we do (I’ve been to probably over 50 weddings and never gotten one). Its not really expected that you would get gift from someone not coming to wedding - particularly as British people mostly don’t gift in the same way as us (lived in the UK for several years so am aware gifts in UK are much smaller generally etc) it’s also considered polite to send the invite so people know they are welcome even if they’ve said they’re unlikely to make it - it would feel a bit rude not to especially as she’s family.

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Weddings
SabreIsMyFave · 26/04/2024 23:42

@elliejjtiny

It's a weird etiquette thing. My PIL wanted to send invitations to their friends who lived miles away who they hadn't seen for about 10 years, an elderly relative who lived in a nursing home and people who dh couldn't remember who they were. When I asked if they were likely to even come, MIL said they definitely wouldn't but it would be nice for them to have an invitation. I thought it was very bizarre but I just gave her a few invitations and let her get on with it. None of them came, or even replied.

That ^ is equally as batshit as sending a wedding invitation to someone who stated clearly (a few weeks before you sent the invitations out,) that they weren't going to be able to make it.

These same people very likely send Christmas cards to people they haven't seen for 20+ years, to the address that person had when they last saw them in 2004.... and then complain that that person hasn't been sending a card back for the past 15 years.

Very odd behaviour. Confused

elliejjtiny · 27/04/2024 00:24

@SabreIsMyFave yes, my MIL does the Christmas card thing too. Some of the people she sends cards to, she hasn't seen since 1984. And they were the ones who survived the great Christmas card cull of 2018.

SabreIsMyFave · 27/04/2024 00:29

elliejjtiny · 27/04/2024 00:24

@SabreIsMyFave yes, my MIL does the Christmas card thing too. Some of the people she sends cards to, she hasn't seen since 1984. And they were the ones who survived the great Christmas card cull of 2018.

1984?! Blimey, I bet some of these people are not even alive anymore! 😬

And there is hardly anyone now who has lived at the same address for more than 40 years. In the 1980s and 1990s, I used to know some people a generation or two older than me - born pre 1940, who had lived in the same house for 45-50 years. But they passed away two or three decades ago.

Nanof8 · 27/04/2024 05:02

SabreIsMyFave · 26/04/2024 23:28

But would you send an invite to someone who told you - only a few weeks before you send your invitations out, that they wouldn't be able to make it?

That's a batshit waste of time.

Show quote history

Actually I probably would just to make sure they didn't change their mind and also so that 5 years from now they can't ask why they didn't get an invite. 😉 I have family members that would do that. 😀

thebestinterest · 27/04/2024 05:06

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 21/04/2024 17:31

It's a threat. Shred it and post it back to show you won't be intimidated.

😂😂😂😂😂

thebestinterest · 27/04/2024 05:07

I’d say it’s a formality and not necessarily that she’s expecting a gift. Sorry you can’t be there to support your niece, OP.

sashh · 27/04/2024 06:13

I think it is a nice thing to do, she is involving you in her wedding.

AnImaginaryCat · 27/04/2024 07:00

Because she thinks you're a wagon and wanted to give you something to give out about. Though it could be a threat. Please seriously consider that.

Alternatively she already had the invitations for family addressed and stamped before you told her you couldn't go then just didn't think to extract it before posting?

Shame, she could have saved herself €2.20 in postage rather than making an ill-judged move to keep her aunty included.

FeckOffNowLads · 27/04/2024 07:07

She’s being polite and thoughtful -
and you’re being ungracious and arsey.

Whatsitcalled38 · 27/04/2024 07:10

Maddy70 · 21/04/2024 17:29

Because its a formal invite and you were on her list. Circumstances may change. It isnt a summons

This.

ShiftySquirrel · 27/04/2024 07:22

Politeness I think.
We sent invites to people we knew wouldn't be able to make it because of long term illness, being the other side of the world etc. It is still nice to be asked.

Psychologymam · 27/04/2024 08:02

RollnRock · 22/04/2024 13:05

I was planning on giving a present anyway when we meet up.
Just wondering what is a reasonable amount in these circumstances?
(People only do cash in Irish weddings)

Show quote history

Irish here - depends on how close you are - we had some people who couldn’t attend give us the standard gift (200) anyway, but more gave us a thoughtful small gift (approx 50) and some didn’t give us anything which to be honest we assumed we wouldn’t get gift if they weren’t attending - so no expectations!

rookiemere · 27/04/2024 08:02

I think she is being polite.

We didn't send an invite to close friends of DH as we knew they would be on holiday, I slightly regret that now as it is to show the person that you did want them there, even though you know they aren't able to attend.

On the gift front, surely you would want to send some money or gift to a niece who knows you well enough to want to phone and check if you can attend their wedding? People on here are so curmudgeonly about gifts.

rookiemere · 27/04/2024 08:03

Oh sorry just saw your third post. If you can afford it £100 feels about right, if not £50 would be ok.

Peclet · 27/04/2024 08:09

Irish weddings are big cash gifts- so if you can €200 is about right.

Dont come for me I don’t make the rules!

Alarmingghhh · 27/04/2024 08:10

Ita really lame you're not going tonher wedding. Find a way to make it work and go?
It's ireland we're talking about here not bloody Australia

borntobequiet · 27/04/2024 08:12

Runnerduck34 · 21/04/2024 17:40

Politeness and a formailty.
She would like you to attend, knows you probably can't but circumstances can change. Inviting you to indicate she would like you included.
Just send a regret card.
And in reponse to pp if was my niece I'd buy a wedding present regardless of attendance.

This.

CurlewKate · 27/04/2024 08:26

Because she's being nice? I know this is never the reason anyone does anything on Mumsnet, but do at least consider the possibility.......

DoorPath · 27/04/2024 08:27

I'd give £100 in these circumstances, or £150 if you can afford it.

CurlewKate · 27/04/2024 08:32

Do people really only give presents to pay for their lunch? What a very strange world some of us live in!

PurBal · 27/04/2024 08:33

It’s polite. I sent an invite to a friend in Japan in full knowledge they wouldn’t be coming. We had a long chat about it before I sent it.

CelesteCunningham · 27/04/2024 08:49

For a niece I'd send whatever gift you would give if attending the wedding - it's a good wish for their marriage, not reciprocation for hospitality.

In Ireland it would typically be minimum €200 for a niece and likely more, but we know that's not the norm in GB so just give whatever you can afford.

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